Love Blind Eyes
by thirteen-forty-two
Summary: "If this is love, if this is love, then I would run far, run fast from me." Shizuo x Izaya - M for strong themes and some sex - Repost
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I've decided to reupload this to my *new(ish)* account here, because even though I'm the one who removed it from my OLD account, I know that a lot of people have been wondering where it went and have trouble finding it on livejournal's DRRR!kinkmeme. This should make it easier, so I figure why not? Uploading is fun, right!

So, before you start a shit storm and tell me "YOU DIDN'T WRITE THIS!" Shut up. Yes, I did.

A huge part of why I'd taken it down before was due to some pretty nasty trolling on a pretty vast majority of my fics, but I think by removing stories like that to AVOID trolling is the wrong answer to these problems. I've learned how to better accept my trolls because, hey, I don't really like this fic myself, but if you're getting a good, hearty laugh out of it, well, then at least I've given you a reason to smile today. And that makes me happy. I like seeing people happy, especially when they're so miserable and deprave that they have to go harass people they don't know to feel some sense of pleasure.

So please, take in this story how ever you'd like. As long as you're enjoying it your opinion is your own and mine is mine.

Looking back on this story, I wrote it before Hachimenroppi became an alternate that people really paid attention to. Now, I kind of feel like this is a story based on assumptions that this "side" of Izaya has more control than the others. While some people see the alts as individual characters, many others see them as segments of Shizuo and Izaya's personality. I almost feel like Love Blind Eyes is a TsugaruxRoppi fic, and I don't even ship the pairing. Lol

Oh well. I did my best and the results have paid off quite nicely.

So thank you. ALL of you, who have taken the time to read this fic and share your thoughts.

I'll be updating it once a day just in case of new readers. I don't want to overwhelm them with 33 2500+ word chapters.

Thanks!

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><p><em>There comes a point in every person's life when they find themselves feeling completely hopeless, right? So what makes me so special? What makes me so different? I might act like one cocky, arrogant, proud fuck, but I know the truth. I know that I am nothing of the sort.<em>

_As a matter of fact, I'm alone. I have always been alone. And nobody in this world is coming to save me. For all the mayhem I've spread… the lives I've destroyed… the hearts I've broken… Shit. I don't deserve sympathy. I don't deserve love. I know that. Everyone knows that._

_Rain has a funny way of washing through human emotions in the same pattern that it washes through dirty streets. When all is said and done, the same grime still lingers, yet some how, things still feel… different. Like something has been removed from the scene. And this something, it mattered once; yet it matters no longer because the rainwater doesn't have a sense of direction. Therefore, there is no path to follow… no trail to lead you back to what you've lost._

_Recently, I've experienced the power of this sort of "cleansing."_

_So I've failed to see the point of life altogether. I don't know what it means to be alive; nor do I respect the time I've been given. These things that once mattered… they don't mean a thing… You don't mean a thing to me anymore._

_Tonight, I'm getting lost. Tonight, I'm saying goodbye. Goodbye to Ikebukuro. Goodbye to Tokyo. Goodbye to Japan. Goodbye, Planet Earth._

_I'll see you in hell._

_With my remaining love,_

_Orihara Izaya._

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><p>Intense nausea tore through my body on a rampage, summoning me from violent dreams. Coughing, I began to choke on the upset rumble coming from my stomach as it raced up my throat, gagging me without relent. I rolled over, consequently falling from the bed; on to the hard floor, and began to heave immediately. There was nothing in my stomach. I could feel the emptiness as it tightened, writhing wildly. Unable to remember my last me, I probably hadn't eaten in days, yet the dry heaves could not subside for the life of me.<p>

Just what, exactly, had happened?

My mind flashed back and forth between images of pill bottles and hard liquor. Smoke and neon bar lights. The violently fast pace at which they struck me tore me down, making my stomach feel worse. I could still taste the chemicals.

"Izaya-kun?" a voice was just short of a screech, as a particular spazz in a white coat burst through the door.

Struck by panic, Kishitani Shinra - a long time friend, and possibly the most annoying doctor ever - found me on the floor. Still choking; desperate for air in my constricting lungs.

"Hey! Hey!" he placed a hand on my back, rubbing away the nausea just enough to slow the attempted purging. "Easy now. Do you know where you are?"

"Hell," I coughed, now beginning to shiver. My throat was on fire from neglect. I knew better than to be sarcastic; however, I already knew where I was. The question that remained was, "How did I get here?"

Pulling the blanket down from the bed, I was surprised to see Shinra actually acting like a real doctor, and not an overly-obsessed-with-the-unnatural nerd. He frowned. "You need to get back in bed. You are extremely ill."

"Huh?"

"Can you stand?"

Deeply inhaling, I grabbed Shinra's outstretched hand, stumbling as he pulled me up. I closed my eyes, feeling that dizzying wave of nausea try to break through again. I did as told, desperate to get off my feet as my knees began to quiver. Arguing seemed pointless. I was too weak… too exhausted… to do anything.

"I'm supposed to be dead," I told him, deciding on honesty. "I wanted to be dead. I _want_ to be dead."

"I know… and that's why you're here. Simon found you," the doctor answered my original question.

"Simon?"

Shinra reattached the IV to my arm, wiping away a stream of blood. I had to have torn it out when I fell… "Yeah. He found you on a fire escape a few blocks down from Russian Sushi. And he handed me the note in your pocket when he got you here. What were you thinking, Izaya-kun? Suicide? That isn't like you."

I shut my eyes, sighing for a lack of anything real to say. How could he ever understand the anvil weighing down my heart. Despite her lack of a real human head, Shinra had love from a beautiful woman. Shinra had respect from his friends. Shinra was polite and friendly. He was not vindictive. He had never tried to instill fear in his peers. He, in every way possible, was my opposite. So how could he ever comprehend the pain which guided my empty life into darkness?

Quite honestly, suicide was _exactly_ like me.

All of those times I spent chatting with those groups… that girl… all of it… Yes. I was manipulative. Yes. I was misleading. But somewhere among it all, we were all after the same thing. Admitting it was made easy, too. It was not a game… it was real… Envious by their determination to die, I was only held back from the pure lack of courage, because it's like I've been told. I am afraid. And I am pathetic. And I am some kind of blood sucking parasite.

I only cause suffering.

I am a curse.

And it isn't fun anymore.

"I would never expect you to understand…" I whispered.

"Tell me. I swear to do my best."

"Shinra…"

There was no way. No way in hell.

"Izaya… You still… You wish it had gone through… don't you?"

Opening my tired eyes, I averted my gaze to the window, watching the damn rain fall. The weight of the situation fully settled. My mind wandered back to my note. I couldn't bring myself to answer his question, consequently, responding with the truth despite my chosen path of silence.

Yes, Shinra. I wished it had. I wished… and I wondered… and I planned.

I could feel his frowning eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. Part of me hoped that it would burn a fresh hole into my brain and off me for good. Part of me wondered what method of death I would take a swing at next.

And those thoughts? They made me sick. Wanting them to become reality made me want to vomit.

The chime of Shinra's doorbell echoed throughout the large apartment, forcing my attention back to underground doctor.

"Don't worry," he tried to assure me. "I'll close the door."

"I know I'm not in the best condition of my life," I breathed, "but are you sure that leaving me alone, awake, and unseen is a good idea?"

Damn my honesty.

Shinra pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Huh… I suppose you're right…"

"Just leave it open…"

The doctor gave a small nod before turning on his heel and exiting the makeshift hospital room. I hated the legitimate feel to the place. It was exactly like the real thing… only much smaller and lacking in that stale scent of death.

To take my mind off of the discomfort, I decided to focus on other things. Shinra's conversation with his guest was the easiest to wrap my concentration around. "Oh! Shizuo!"

_Excuse me_…?

What?

"What brings you here?" Shinra asked, closing the door behind him. And while I couldn't get a visual from this bedroom down the hall, I could perfectly imagine the scene just by the tone of the voices involved.

Seriously, it couldn't matter less to me why that brute had shown up here, of all days, to see Shinra. Not that the reasons mattered… I was going to listen anyway, all the while, praying to a nonexistent God that I'd go undiscovered.

"I'm here to give Celty her cut of a job," Shizuo explained, probably handing the doctor and envelope filled with cash. "Huh…"

"Is something the matter, Shizuo-kun?"

He was shaking his head. I knew hew was. I could just picture it. "Are you alone here?"

"Pretty much," the doctor laughed, so obviously nervous, "Celty stepped out to run some errands for me. Did you need to see her?"

"No… I'll see her tonight I'm sure. But if you could give her the mon- Are you _sure_ you're alone here?"

And this was the point where Shinra was nervously scratching his head in between pushing up his glasses - a pattern which always gave him away immediately. "What makes you think I'm not?"

_Shinra. You idiot._

"Tch. It's just that I haven't seen that piece of shit, Izaya -" Ouch. "-in a week or two. "And I'm starting to worry that he's planning some sort of attack on me."

"Attack? Shizuo, that's nonsense." (Shinra fails at creating a cover, in case you didn't know).

"Would you really put it past him to try?" Shizuo growled.

"Well I can't say that I would -" And yeah. Those words stung. "- but I'm positive that scheming against the city is the last thing on his mind."

Well, at least I get some defense.

"And why is that?"

"I just feel… _well_… like… It seems - well…"

"W-wait a minute. He's here. Isn't he?"

"_Here_?" Shinra echoed.

"That's why you're acting so fucking weird, isn't it?"

"Well… I-"

"Isn't it, Shinra?"

"Listen, Shizuo! Let me explain!"

"Explain what? Where is he? I'm gonna kill him!"

At the sound of Shizuo's voice escalating into a low roar, my heart fell through my stomach. If I hadn't wanted to end my own life before, I did now. Closing my eyes, I braced for impact as the sound of Heiwajima Shizuo's footsteps drew nearer. Of all the people in the world, he was number one on my current list of people who I did not want to see.

"Shizuo!" Shinra chased after the stalwart man, sounding terrified of what was surely going to happen.

I was completely vulnerable. I was weak. I was half dead. I was a perfect target. For Shizuo, the opportunity couldn't be more perfect. For me, well… I guess I hoped he'd end it quickly. After all, I was denied from death once. Maybe it would grant me some mercy. Maybe I'd finally get to die…

"Izaya-kun!" the low growl of my name sent chills down my spine.

Collecting just enough courage, I glanced up at the door, to find him standing there, in its frame. The anger in his voice suddenly felt mismatched from the incredulous look on his sharp face. Cautiously, as if walking into a trap, he took a single step forward.

"Izaya-kun…?" And this time he was much more somber.

My heart was ready to explode.

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><p><em>I wanted to believe that I could be anyone.<em>

_But only when I'm not alone._

_And obviously, there's no danger in having hope._

_Having hope in anyone but me._

_But I know that I'm to blame, _

_Cause I've never been anyone else._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Awww! Guys! Thank you for reading this story and thank you for all of the love. It feels really good to have to back up. Thank you!

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><p>"Is this some kind of joke?" Shizuo scoffed, shrouded in disbelief. "The fuck are you doing here?"<p>

"Funny you should ask…" I tried not to provoke him. In fact, for the first time in my life I desperately hoped to avoid it. "I'm almost wondering the same thing…"

"What are you talking about, tick?"

Begging for help, I crossed my line of sight with Shinra's, doing my best to portray to him the validity of a doctor - even one who kept underground - explaining this type of situation. For I lacked both intestinal fortitude and the energy to do so on my own. However, I was forgetting that Shinra did not grasp the facts either. For the billionth time, I was surrounded by human life, yet left completely on my own.

"I'm sorry, Izaya," Shinra apologized. "I can't make excuses for you."

Looking Shizuo in the eye, it became mighty clear to me that I couldn't make excuses for myself either. Most certainly, it wasn't like I was accidentally trying to kill myself. I planned on it. My mistake for failing. So why should Shizuo, my enemy until the end, have been granted the satisfaction of hearing the truth? That I was a miserable human being who did not actually love, but rather _envied_ humans for obtaining the bonds which I lacked… bonds that always seemed to escape me…

"What's going on here?" Shizuo growled, becoming impatient as the questions flitting about in his head went unanswered.

"It doesn't matter…" I broke our eye contact. "I'm not in the mood for you today, so just leave me alone."

"Well it'd be a lot easier to leave you alone if you weren't here," he shot.

Rolling my eyes, I let out an exasperated sigh. That moron was making this harder than it had to be.

"Now wait a second, Shizuo!" Shinra attempted to put himself between us. I swear, he needed to stop doing that every time we got into it, or he was going to end up where I should have been: dead.

"Fine…" I chose the easy route; the one that would get me out of the doctor's apartment the fastest. "Since you clearly have business here that cannot be conducted due to my presence, I'll leave."

"Izaya… You can't!" Shinra hurried to my bedside.

Plucking the IV from my arm, I faked a smile. "I'm fine."

"That's a load of crap. You can't go!"

"Of course he can," Shizuo leered. "The faster, the better."

"No, Shizuo. You don't understand."

"Heh," a small, sarcastic laugh popped out of me. "And he never will!"

"Izaya!" Shinra hissed, clearly becoming irritated by the (for once) non-violent spat between myself and the blond idiot.

Dragging myself out of the bed, I grabbed my clothes from the nearby chair where they sat, waiting for me. Draping my coat over my shoulders, I tucked my hands in my pockets to find my switchblade exactly where I had left it. A strong feeling of comfort washed over me, so strong that I barely noticed my knees as they began to tremble.

"Izaya, you're being reckless. You're in no shape to leave." Shinra tried to convince me to stay.

"Wouldn't be the first time," I muttered, taking a quick look at the 432 missed calls and messages left on my cell phone. Shit. "I can take care of myself."

"And that's what worries me!"

Time stopped as my attention honed in on those words. "Elaborate."

"Don't do this to yourself."

"It's my right to do what I please with this body, is it not?"

"Well… yes… but…"

"Just let the louse leave, Shinra," Shizuo said, burning holes through my skin with such intense eyes. "There's no point in holding him back. Besides, I'll just beat the shit outta him before he leaves 'Bukuro and then he'll have no choice but to come back."

"God damn it!" the doctor yelled suddenly, finally fed up with the tension filling the room. "Shizuo. Shut up! Izaya… Please… You've been asleep for the past five days. You're too weak, and even if you weren't, you're unstable."

"I have _always_ been unstable. I'll be fine."

"Fine, or dead?"

"Dead would benefit us all," Shizuo gave his unwanted two cents.

I couldn't help my next response… because I agreed… With a heavy heart, I nodded. "I'll do my best…"

"That's right you - huh?"

"IZAYA!" Shinra squealed, though his voice felt miles away as the sudden change in Shizuo's attitude consumed my focus.

My head dropped, and I could finally see my knees visibly shake from below me. Lightheadedness took over next. I could barely hold myself up beneath the weight of my self-loathing. To actually _agree_ with Shizuo… now that was telling me something.

"I'm sorry, Shin-"

"Give me your knife," the doctor demanded, holding out his hand.

"Eh?"

"If you're leaving, give me your knife."

I raised a brow. "Why would I go and do a thing like that?"

"Because I'm not going to let you leave without reducing the likelihood of you killing yourself."

Feeling cornered, I glanced back and forth between Shinra and Shizuo. Both of them had this peculiar look on their faces, like they were challenging me to walk out; however, where the doctor's eyes held concern, the brute's were shifting somewhere between malice and an untitled calm. The trembling in my knees spread. My legs felt like the consistency of boiled noodles. Limp. Lifeless. I fell against the closest wall for support.

"This isn't necessary," the doctor shook his head, seemingly afraid for what could happen next. "You won't make it home, let alone to the front door, by yourself."

"Izaya…" Shizuo's voice, saying my name, pierced through my soul. I had never heard him say it with such… such tranquility…

"What do you want?" I retaliated against any forming kindness, hoping to suppress it before it revealed itself.

After all those years of rivalry and pure loathing, the very last thing I wanted was Shizuo's kindness at the end of my life. What a horrifying way to die… knowing that all of those years would end like that… I was disgusted. All the while, a warmth began to spread throughout my chest.

"Is that why you're here?" Shizuo asked, genuinely curious. His wide eyes beneath shaggy hair almost reminded me of a loyal dog, caring for his master due to natural instinct; not because he had a say in the matter. Shizuo… loyal. To me. Grab your umbrellas, people. The sky is falling.

"Is what why I'm here?"

"You tried to…"

"Kill myself? Yeah."

He frowned. "Why?"

"Who cares? Just the idea of it should make you piss yourself in excitement." The taller man clenched his jaw, intensifying those loyal dog eyes. "Don't look at me like that," I scolded him.

"Tell me why, louse."

"Because…" I closed my eyes, trying my damnedest to fight off the dizziness, "Because…"

Closing my lids was not working. Actually, it was making it worse…

My stomach churned angrily within me. Still empty, there was nothing for it to prevent the painful pangs of starvation, which also resulted in another serious urge to vomit. So without warning I dropped with the same grace as a bird dying in flight. I just plummeted to the floor without warning, which, while it wasn't very far away, felt like a mile down to the end. Time slowed. My eyelids were heavy. And as I took my last breath before the blackout, a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around me, making me feel… entirely weightless.

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><p><em>I feel emotional. Irrational. Unbreakable.<em>

_Impossible to please._

_I feel my finger on the trigger with a sense of urgency._

_I feel everything and nothing at the same time_

_Can a vagrant and a king commit the same crime?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** As promised! An update!

I just want to clear the air ahead of time (most of you already know this, I'm sure), but I made Shizuo's eyes gray in this story on purpose. I think I have a list of things that explain why. But it poses some relevance, so if you get confused or you're like, "Well, that is DEFINITELY out of character," I know. I'm sorry! But hey, as they say, it's called FANfiction for a reason.

None of us writers can be perfectly in character all the time, and quite frankly, I try my best and I often like my results, even if I'm not a fan of my own work.

But hey! As long as you guys like it, I'm grateful. So thank you!

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><p>All of my life I've been desperate to be anything but ordinary. Little did I know that it was this very same desperation that would lead me to my own manic depravity. I got what I wanted, but through it all, I dug myself too deep. I was living the life, sure. But I was living it alone… cold… and alone… What was the point of fighting against normality - raging a war against boredom - if it was fought in solitude?<p>

I wanted to die. I _tried_ to die… And I thought… Perhaps that's why I would go out of my way to piss him off… because, before I had the strength to do it on my own, I always hoped that he would do it for me.

My eyes fought to stay closed as my body pulled itself out of a deep slumber. Flashes of reds and blues, like warning signs, faded away with the rest of my alarming dreams, yet the images they left burned in my memory were nothing more than blurs.

"Ngh… Shit…" I groaned, rediscovering myself in that damn makeshift hospital bed. My head was killing me. The fuck? "Get that fucking light out of my face," I hissed through my teeth.

"Sorry," Shinra said, taking a step back. "Your vital signs are looking better."

"Good for them."

Sitting up, I couldn't help but ask… "How long have I been out?"

Pausing his obsessive compulsive need to check every number several times, Shinra looked at me, pushing up his glasses. "I wanna say seven hours… ish…"

"Ish?" I echoed.

"Yeah, give or ta-"

"What is he doing here?" I cut Shinra short as my peripheral vision caught a monster in a stupid bartender outfit, despite the fact that he wasn't even a bartender anymore. He was dead asleep in a chair.

Shinra leaned up against the wall, folding his arms across his chest. "He's been here since you passed out."

"Tch. Why would he do something as outrageous as that?"

"Hm… As weird as it sounds, Izaya-kun, I'd say he was sincerely concerned."

"Blasphemous," I shook my head.

"Well… maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was just the human aspect."

I raised a brow, and asked, "Human aspect?"

"You know what he's like when you're not sending him on a violent rampage. He's actually a very caring person. He pays attention to the wellbeing of others."

Lying back down, I refused to pull my eyes away from Shizuo's sleeping face. There was no denying how peaceful he actually looked as he slept. All of that hysteria and violent instinct was gone. There was nothing there but an ordinary human, one without a strength that could challenge Hercules, or make the Hulk look significantly less incredible. Shizuo didn't need to be a God, or turn into a large green ogre to achieve those abilities. However, looking at him… like that… I couldn't see it anymore.

"He really… isn't a bad guy… is he?" I mostly asked myself.

"No. Not at all," Shinra answered, exiting the room.

I stared at Shizuo for a good twenty minutes after the doctor left us there. I suppose he felt safe about it since my leaving would be made noticeable, given that I could barely stand on my own, let alone walk five feet without passing out. So as much as I wanted to go home to finish the job I started, my guess was that it would be a while before I got to that point.

Instead, I left myself a mental note to carry out the deed more effectively.

"You know… You might be cunning," Shizuo's lips moved, setting free a tone of voice unfamiliar to me as it came from his mouth in particular. It was almost gentle. "But you're a fucking idiot."

Continuing to stare at him, I felt a pit in my stomach, like a black hole. It was sucking out my dignity, along with my courage. As he opened his storm colored eyes, I had to look away before he caught the shame in mine. Yet, I wasn't ashamed of wanting to die; nor was I ashamed of trying. The mixed feelings swirling around within were feelings of embarrassment… because I got caught… because _I_ failed.

"What could you possibly know about it?" I mumbled, sighing heavily.

"Oh, please. If you want to talk self-loathing, I'm your man," he grumbled. "But I'd never try anything so heinous as suicide."

"You're not me, Shizu-chan," I retorted.

"Far from it," he agreed, pulling a cigarette out from behind his ear. You'd never have found it under that mess of blond hair.

"Do realize that the difference between us - the hate you have for yourself - it is countered by an entire city of good people who love you, your own feelings set aside. I've never known anything like that."

I watched a long string of smoke escape through is lips before he replied. "Now you're just making stupid excuses, Izaya."

Deciding that our conversation needed to end there, I thought it best not to respond. Instead, I looked through the window, and began counting the number of lit windows in the building parallel to the apartment. Shizuo had other ideas.

"I'm not letting you leave here to try again."

It took every bit of willpower I had not to ask him why. To ask him why he should care. He hated me; probably more than I hated him. So what did it matter if I died? Wasn't he supposed to be happy that I wanted to off myself?

"Huh…? HEY!" Shizuo barked, as a shadowy figure graced us with her headless presence, snatching away his cigarette and putting it out in her own mysterious smoke. "The hell?"

Hiding the confiscated cancer stick somewhere within her mysterious form, Celty whipped out her PDA. She began typing a short message which Shizuo read aloud. "No smoking… Feh. Sorry."

She pulled back the small device and began to type again. I could not see what she was telling him. I could only make a very well-backed guess that they were discussing me as I honed in on each of his responses. Every now and again, the rider would look in my direction with whatever form of vision she had. But I could tell. Her stare gave me chills.

"What? No!" Shizuo said, like he was in denial. "Don't believe everything Shinra says! … It's not my fault. I didn't do anything! And I didn't agree to that!"

Shutting my eyes, I tried my best to shut them out. However, I was too intrigued by Shizuo's responses.

"You're kidding right? You're not really asking that of me! ... Stop trying to volunteer me! …Why? HIM!"

There are things in this world colder than Celty's stare. Shizuo's, for example.

"I couldn't. I'd kill him! … Celty… Yeah, so? He'd be better off… Why would it be better than here? … But… Okay… No. I won't… I'm just unsure."

Celty took one finally look at me before Shinra called her name from another room. I wondered what was on her mind. Clearly, there had been a prelude to this current conversation while I had been out. The beast had finally been convinced of something he was reluctant toward. I could see how ill at ease he was as he shifted in his seat. He didn't want to do whatever he had agreed to.

"What was that about?" I asked, surprised to find myself acting a bit civil towards my rival.

Nervously, he scratched the back of his head, looking for personal excuses to take as long as possible to answer the question. He was only making it obvious. They really were discussing me.

"Izaya?"

"What?"

"What do you plan to do after this? Where are you going? Home?"

"For a little while," I nodded.

"Meaning you're going to try again."

"That's the plan."

"Why? Why would you do that?"

"Because… I feel like it must be done."

"That's stupid. So you're really going to stay here - recuperate - just so you can throw yourself away?"

I looked him in the eyes. "What else would I do, Shizuo? My life is my own. Only I get to decide if I want to end this. Besides, I'm not here because I want to be."

"Then come stay with me," he breathed, clearly opposed to the idea himself.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Are you stupid?"

Shizuo furrowed his brows. "If you stay here, you could get into Shinra's medical shit. If you go home, you'll do it again. Just for a little while, Izaya. Give me a month."

"A month for what?" I scoffed.

"To turn those thoughts of yours around. To help you see that even your life is worth the effort."

"So… like rehab?"

"No. Like suicide watch, ingrate. I may not like you. In fact, I fucking despise you. But the only thing less satisfying to me than not kicking your ass, is losing the opportunity because you decided to skip out on life by your own accord. If anyone is gonna kill you, it's gonna be me."

"You're fucking nuts," I retorted.

"Says the suicidal maniac."

I could read the frustration in his eyes. Shizuo was sincerely trying not to lose it with me, something he was not used to doing. Actually… when had he ever tied down his rabid emotions?

"Just because your strength will go back up, doesn't mean your mental state will. Shinra can use his medical knowledge to get you back in good health, but if you're gonna go back home to die it's hardly worth it. Please. I'm not thrilled about having you around, but I find it unusually impossible to want to kill you myself knowing that one: you're trying to die, and two: you're so fucking pathetic that it wouldn't even be a challenge."

Was this his way of begging? Why? Why did I feel so compelled to honor his request? A month to turn my life around… a month to reignite life into my dying soul.

No.

A month couldn't possibly be long enough to heal this damage. Fixing this pain, let alone surviving it, would take a lifetime… whereas, killing myself right would take under two minutes.

Damn it.

The easy path sounded so good; yet, something about the long road was reeling me in.

"Okay…" I flinched, mentally punching myself. "You have a month."

* * *

><p><em>If I die tonight, I want your name written on my grave.<em>

_Just go. Let it go._

_You know now it's not a race,_

_But don't let me know._

_I'm ready when you are._

_Take me home._

_You know I shouldn't be alone._


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** You guys are really sweet! Awwwh! =3=

Thank you for your rabu. I'm glad to see that there are readers both new and old. I have been changing a few things here and there as I update, simply because there are things I didn't catch before and lines that could sound much better. I think since posting this fic for the first time (nearly a year and a half ago) I've improved a lot, and that is really something.

Now, I'm trying to get myself back into writing with the same enthusiasm I had before. You're helping me with that more than you know! So thank you!

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><p>When I told that idiot I'd give him a month to help me turn my life around, I didn't mean that I wouldn't try to kill myself. All it meant was that I'd give him thirty days, from the time I left Shinra's apartment, before I walked back out of the blond monster's life to finish what I started. More than anything, I only agreed with him to get him off my back. So before he could be pleased with my decision, I slammed him with a list of rules - <em>expectations<em> - that could end this agreement if broken. I half hoped they'd be impossible, and then I'd be out of his life in no time.

The first was that I still had the right to take my own life before the month was over. How would he control it anyway? The second was that Shizuo had to give me daily reasons to stay alive. No repeats. Third, if he told anybody that I was on suicide watch, I'd frame him for my own murder - which we both know I was perfectly capable of doing.

Unfortunately, I still had a week to go before I was able to leave. Shinra insisted that seven days in bed required seven days readjusting before getting out of one. My strength was gone, but not so far gone as my will to live. Every smile I put on was blatantly falsified to please others, often times resulting in the opposite effect of its purpose. I felt like a prisoner.

If only they could comprehend… The pain in faking it hurt me so much worse than they could imagine. Every word, every action, every _moment_… nothing could revive in me the desire to keep going. Nothing. I just felt forced, like they had tied a rope around my neck to drag me each step further. Had it not been for the people around me, I would have stopped functioning all together. I probably wouldn't have made it to suicide before my own lack of willpower took me instead.

"If I'm being held captive by you for the next thirty days, there are some things I'd like go get from home," I told Shizuo as we stepped out into the sun.

The natural light burned my eyes. It had been too long since I'd experienced sunlight. I could feel that my body would need time to readjust as a flipped up the hood of my coat, pulling it as far over my sensitive eyes as I could force it. Continuing on our way, with Shizuo several meters ahead of me, we made our way to the subway station.

* * *

><p>"Where the hell have YOU been," a vicious bitch opened my door before I even had the chance to stick the key into the lock.<p>

Admittedly, I was slightly taken aback by such a forward reaction to my arrival. I hadn't even looked at her yet before she shot off her mouth. "It doesn't matter," I told her, barely looking her way as I stepped inside. Shizuo was barely two feet behind me.

"Who is this?" she scoffed. "You're boyfriend?"

"Actually," I smirked, "He's the guy who kicked your brother's ass a few months ago. Yagiri Namie, meet Heiwajima Shizuo. Play nice."

"I beat up your brother?" Shizuo raised a brow.

Namie crossed her arms, rolling her eyes. She didn't feel he was worth her time (unless she was silently plotting his demise for the knot he left on Seiji's forehead). Instead, she kept her undying attention on me, like a hawk after its prey. Though, she and I both know I'd never give her a damn thing she wanted. Just like Shizuo wasn't worth her time, she was not worth mine. To be honest, I couldn't even tell you why I had the woman in my house, other than to make her into something of a housewife. "So you disappear for weeks and you don't even call?" she ranted.

"Were you worried?"

"Worried? I thought your mafia dealings finally caught up with you! You could have called or something."

"Sorry…" but I wasn't. "I just got tied up. That's all."

"Do you have any idea how many clients have been looking for you?"

"No need to tell me," I rolled my eyes. "Really. I know."

I couldn't care less who she was. Whether she was a woman I'd known all my life, or a person from the streets below, Namie and I weren't close. She didn't get to know what I was going through. She certainly couldn't do anything to help. And much more than not giving a shit about her, or her feelings, or her curiosity, I did not want her to see the disparity that was so heavy in my heart that it had me tied down in her own former co-worker's building for the past two weeks.

_Why_, you may be wondering?

Because it would please her to hear that I was suffering.

"Whoa. Izaya. Mafia dealings?" Shizuo stared at me with large eyes, completely perplexed by what the big-mouthed woman with a tiny waist said.

"Can we not discuss this?" I growled between gritted teeth. "Just because I'm doing this doesn't mean we're friends."

"Doing what?" the snarky woman questioned me.

"I'm leaving for a while," I gave her no details. "Just take care of the place while I'm gone. Do what you want. Take what money you need. I don't care."

Heading into my bedroom, and leaving the two polar opposites alone together, I stuffed some necessities into an old duffle bag, including the key required to open the safe where I kept the Black Rider's own head. There was no way I was letting that woman take off with it or something crazy like that. At least not until I was officially dead. Once upon a time, I lived for that thing… for its power… for its mystery, all in the hopes of it tying me to eternal life. Though, when I tried to end said life, I quit caring about everything beyond that which related to my own end.

Maybe that woman was half of my problem… or at least people like her. Even though I used her on many separate occasions, she took it, along with the money I offered. However, she never offered me respect, let alone friendship. She hated me too. Just another human being, contributing to my life's most filthy lie.

Why she ever stayed, I do not know.

"Alright," I said, throwing my bag over my shoulder and flipping open my cell phone. "We're off."

My reply from the two was a tense silence.

I looked up from the screen full of missed calls, wondering which - if any - I should have returned. Shizuo and Namie were standing in opposite corners, glaring at each other with suspicious eyes. It looked like cat versus dog.

"Izaya," Namie finally spoke my name.

"Yeah?"

"If I'm not mistaken, isn't this man your sworn enemy? So why are you leaving with him?"

Shizuo scoffed. "And aren't you the same crazy bitch who -"

"Can we leave now? Please?" I desperately cut him off.

"Izaya!" Namie continued to bitch.

"Shut up. If I wanted it to be your business, it would be."

She did as told, but not without walking away with attitude.

* * *

><p>"What's up with her?" Shizuo asked me back on the streets.<p>

"Don't worry about it. She's just some stupid girl."

"Who lives with you?"

"Tch. I said don't worry about it."

"Well… she seems nice."

* * *

><p>We walked through the front door of Shizuo's apartment back in Ikebukuro. I was honestly surprised that nobody had seen us on the way in. The city felt quiet, like some melancholy had brought it to a standstill for the evening. Maybe it was just me…<p>

Trying to brush off the empty, glum feeling, I took a look around the place. It was small, as I imagined it might be. One of those one room places, where the kitchen is barely separated from the living room. Barely more than a wall separates the living room from the bedroom, and between the two there's a randomly placed closet parallel to a bathroom. One of those places. However, for its size, I was surprised to discover how spacious and clean it was. Even with the looming scent of stale cigarettes, everything appeared to have a place, and every surface was spotless. It was nice… cozy… for Shizuo, that is. Not at all what I was expecting. In fact, I kind of imagined something smaller, torn apart, completely vandalized with leaks, cracks, and roaches playing as the most vivid of decorations.

I see now that I thought of him as much less of a person than he really was. Maybe I should have looked more carefully at the brand name on those sunglasses, the quality of his cigarettes, and the tidiness of those stupid bartender uniforms.

"So basically, there are two rules," he spoke. "I rarely have people here. In fact, the only people who know where I live are my brother and Celty. So, I never have people here. Rule one, don't slam any doors. My neighbors will bitch about it. Rule two, don't use my toothbrush. But… since you're gonna be here a while, I should add a third."

"What's that?" I quietly asked.

"Clean up your own messes."

It was scrawled across his face. He already hated this. I wouldn't blame him. So did I. Neither of us wanted me there. Hell, I didn't even want to be alive. Having me here was going to be difficult for the both of us. I wondered who would take it worse. Yet it was his good conscience that said I needed this. What else was I going to do? Even Celty and Shinra were bent on keeping me under a watchful eye.

"Mind if I take a shower?"

Lighting a cigarette, Shizuo sat on the couch, his face completely tense with thought. Staring into space, I could see that he was thinking for a moment. The part of me who hated him wondered if that was difficult for him. Yet, there was another that wondered… He really was more than I gave him credit for…

Eradicating my feelings of guilt, I ran my fingers through my dirty hair. "Shizu-chan?"

"What?" he growled.

I probably should have knocked that off if this was going to work, because every time he looked at me, I felt like I was on thin ice, even when I didn't say a word. And every time I looked back, I felt two pieces of me playing tug-o-war. One side wanted to do everything possible to piss him off; maybe get him to kill me so that I wouldn't have to do it myself at the end of the month. The other side was confused, wondering why I _wasn't_ trying to piss him off, or how he was keeping his cool despite my presence. I didn't deserve it.

"Shower?" I repeated, nodding my head in the direction of the bathroom.

"Sure. Just don't lock the door."

"Huh?" I squeaked, void of a witty remark for what felt like the first time.

"Izaya, you're on suicide watch. You don't have a right to privacy right now."

"Tch," I hissed, dropping my bag on the floor. As if the brute couldn't kick the damn thing in if he was really that concerned. "Fine."

These next thirty days were going to suck.

* * *

><p><em>You just don't see me anymore.<em>

_I've been losing everything._

_You just don't see me anymore._

_I'll say goodbye._


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** By my clock, I'm still on time! And I'm ready to eat! So here. Have this quickly while I enjoy some tacos!

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><p>Hot water sent tingles down my spine as it fell from the showerhead above me, creating miniature streams like external veins cascading over my skin; colorlessly bleeding down the drain. I had the temperature set as hot as I could stand it, which was just enough to turn my light skin bright red. The pain of the heat almost had me feeling… <em>alive<em>. It's better to feel pain than nothing at all… isn't that right? However, beneath it all, I began to drown myself in my own thoughts, rather than the water itself.

With my forehead against the ceramic wall, I stood there, like a zombie, wondering when my life turned into… _this_. No recollection of when I last felt "normal" resided within me. I couldn't even tell you what I was like before pure misery infected my being. I was breathing. But I was dead.

I ended up asking myself way too many questions. How did I get here? When had things gone so wrong? What had I done to get myself into a rut so deep that I couldn't see any source of light from the top of the crevice? I had seen so many dangers, torments, ill-happenings, in my life. Never once did I look back with regret. I had always been the type of person to smile in the face of my victim; to indulge in one's suffering, laughing at it as if all of humanity was involved in a silly board game. The kind with the cards that tell you to do or say ridiculous things.

One day… it all just… vanished. I discovered myself spiraling down at such an alarming rate. Colorless, flavorless, dead, and boring, the world had soon become. Constantly, I asked myself what it was all for. Never once did I find my answer. Could I find it now? After I put my life through the ultimate test, would I ever find it? Did this complete desire, which evolved into a desperate need, to end it all mean anything? One thing was certain. I knew I deserved it. Whether by my own hand, or another's, I knew good and well that my life was an undeserved one. For all that I had done, there are some things a person cannot atone for.

Before I knew it, salty tears burned my eyes, though I could not feel them glide down my face, as they were camouflaged by the water rushing over my form.

Fuck.

I couldn't even remember the last time I cried. I'd nearly forgotten how, thinking that my tear ducts had closed up a long time ago. Cursing under my breath, I called myself a myriad of things… names I wouldn't even expect from Shizuo.

A knock sounded at the door. Speak of the devil.

"Hey, fl- Izaya," Close one, "Are you okay in there?"

Choking on my own misery, I opened my mouth to answer, but could not emit a sound. How could I let him hear me crying? Me. _Crying_. I winced at the very pain of holding back my own tears. They were vicious… relentless, really. Evil drops of desolation, desperate to seek out revenge, to make me rue the day I sent them into exile.

"Izaya…" Shizuo groaned, just about begging me for a response, "Don't make me come in there. Seriously. Please don't."

I've always been difficult.

"Damn it."

The door opened with a small click, barely audible over the sound of running water. I couldn't make myself move. My heart began to slam against my rib cage. I could feel its echoes shuddering through the entirety of my body.

"I thought I told you - Shit…"

Drawing the shower curtain open, he found me standing there, looking as dead as I felt with my back turned to him. Slowly, I willed myself to crane my neck around and look at him. There had been no time for me to hide my tears, which appeared to knock him out of focus immediately.

"W-well… O… okay," he lost his words, completely unsure of how to handle a situation such as this. I have to admit, I wouldn't have known what to do either, and I'd like to think I know everything.

Your sworn enemy is in your shower, having a mental breakdown. What _do_ you do? Shizuo did something much more noble than I would have. Once again, setting his feelings towards me aside, he stopped the water, and threw a fresh towel around my shoulders. Sparing no time to consider the options, his good conscience won. I barely reacted as he grabbed my arm, pulling me out of the shower.

Shizuo coiled his two long arms around me, focusing not on his rightful hatred, but me. Not for what I had done to make his life a living Hell… just me. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I wondered if this sort of selflessness was real. For someone who had never experienced much love, this type of caring only existed in fairytales. Frankly, I was scared.

"It's going to be okay," he said, making use of the first comforting words to cross his mind. "Everything. You. Me. The world. It's all going to be okay…"

I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him that he knew nothing of what it meant to feel "okay." Okay wasn't good enough anymore. I had been just "okay." All it ever got me was a rapid plunge into my own downfall. But I couldn't. All of the thoughts filling my mind refused to be verbalized.

"You're scaring me, you know…" he tried to joke… tried to laugh. "But it doesn't have to be this way…"

Backing up into the wall, he hit it with a light thud. Still holding onto me, with nothing more than a towel separating him from my naked body, we slid down the wall until we collided with the tiled floor. I almost wondered if he was ever going to let me go. Maybe he'd even strangle me right there to do us both a favor. Whatever his plan for me was, I was becoming increasingly terrified. Nobody had ever held me before… at least not since my mother discovered what a wretched creature I'd grown up to be.

"In all the times I've hurt you, I've never seen you cry," he kept speaking, taking on this comforting tone of voice that felt so outside of the character I used to taunt on the streets. "Seeing you like this… I just don't know what to do…"

Funny… neither did I. So I just continued to let it out. The feelings bottled up within… they poured out of me as if the bottle had been tipped over with the cork removed.

"Two weeks ago, if someone had told me that this is where we'd be, I'd have fucking killed them for it," Shizuo said. "I can barely believe it now. I've never done anything like this… Shit."

Closing my eyes to fight off the oncoming tears, I buried my face in his chest, clutching his shirt in my fists. I had almost forgotten the true relationship between us, still there, buried beneath my issues.

For the longest time, we stayed on the bathroom floor, my silent tears still winning an endless battle. Shizuo had given up on words for a good forty minutes, probably just as disgusted with himself as I could be with myself, all the while wishing something may change to either reverse our hidden animosity, or my obsession with ridding humanity of the disease known as my existence. You're supposed to make sacrifices for those you love... aren't you?

"We should get some clothes on you before you catch a cold," the awkward calm of his voice pierced through the silence, evaporating it immediately.

Plucking my hand from his shirt, he slid one arm under my legs; the other behind my shoulders. Lifting me from the floor, he carried me to his bed. If I recall correctly, he set me down just as carefully as he picked me up. I wonder how many women he had carried to bed this way before… and how many wished he would. Always, I had been told that beneath his hard exterior, Shizuo really did have a graceful gentleness. I had never believed it before then. It took me years just to find out...

After helping me into a pair of gray sweatpants, Shizuo peeled back the sheets on his bed only to cover me with them moments later. "Just get some sleep…" he suggested, making a quick run through my hair with his fingertips. "This will get better."

Oh, how I wanted to believe him.

"How do you know…?" my voice cracked. I finally mustered the strength to speak, as he headed for the door.

Shizuo stopped for a moment, breathing a heavy sigh. Without a word of reassurance, he simply turned around, staring me in the eyes instead.

"We hate each other," I told him, hoping that if it didn't set us straight, it would play as a very clear reminder that we were born to wish for the other's demise. "So why are you doing this for me?"

He took several steps back to the bed he had just laid me in, and knelt down so that we were at eyelevel. Trapped behind his eyes, I could see for myself the millions of thoughts swirling around in his head like a hurricane. Before answering, he stared at me, his crystal orbs boring into mine. "When I look at you, so lost, and so broken that even you don't know who the fuck you are," he told me, "how the hell am I supposed to _hate_ you?"

"I don't know what that means…"

"There used to be a vicious flame proudly burning in those scarlet eyes. You're not yourself, Izaya. You aren't the same parasite that lives to piss me off… you are not the person you want to be."

"I'm nothing…"

"What? No…"

"Everything I've ever done was a cheat or a lie to hurt somebody else. The only way I could hope to make up for it all is through death."

Shizuo shook his head. "No. That's really untrue. You're just… lost… When I see you like this - when I first saw you like this - it was nearly impossible to hold back. But no matter who you are now or two weeks ago… you're sick. As easy as it may look for me to pick up a large metal object to pelt you with, I couldn't imagine hurting you right now. I'm actually more compelled to do just the opposite…"

"I see…" I shamefully tore my eyes away from his. He deserved so much more credit than I ever gave him. What was wrong with me to assume that every act he carried out oozed malice? Shizuo really was softhearted at his core… As much as I wanted to deny the possibility, the look in his eyes said otherwise. There's no such thing as lying to the facts.

"Can I ask you something, Izaya?"

"Sure…"

"What drove you to the point where you don't want to live anymore?" Curiosity swirled with concern in his expression.

Simply put, I was nowhere near ready to answer that inquiry, much less answer it coming from him. I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling, barely visible in the late night darkness. Shizuo's apartment, located in a quiet section of the city, went undisturbed by the lights of surrounding buildings. I couldn't even continue to look at him. How could he know? How could he understand when I didn't either? It was never so simple as to open my mouth and tell him that I just didn't want to. Who would ever believe that?

"Fuck… I'm sorry," he hissed, cursing himself. "I shouldn't have…"

"Don't… Don't apologize," I told him.

"But I…"

I clamped shut my burning eyes, hoping to chase away the last of my tears. "Please… I know you're trying… but stop. There's nothing you can do to fix this…"

"Probably not…" he did not lie, "but I have something that could help…"

"I really doubt-"

"Reason number one… the streets are lonely without your disruptive behavior."

"Huh?" I rolled onto my side to meet his eyes again, lightly startled by the sudden change in topic.

"You want a daily reason why you should keep going. That's the first one. I should have known something was off during the weeks before I found you at Shinra's place. Without you, Ikebukuro doesn't feel quite so alive. A city that rarely sleeps feels entirely tranquil without you in it. If you were gone for good, would it ever wake up?"

"This city has plenty of mysteries looming behind every corner. The madness would soon adapt, just as many living creatures must when their counterparts go extinct."

"Adapt? Sure. But it wouldn't be the same without you…"

"No. It would be better… for everyone…"

* * *

><p><em>Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow.<em>

_No tomorrow, no tomorrow._

_And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad._

_The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had._


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** I don't have much to say, but...

A) I'm sorry for not updating yesterday. I got really lazy and I'm packing for a trip that's taking up a bunch of my time. Plus, working full time to go on said trip!

B) There are two fics you need to read. _What You Don't Surrender_, by caffeinekitty, is the first. Because even though her fics are relatively new to this particular fandom, she is a huge rolemodel to me and she deserves ALL the love. Hell, read ALL of her fics, because they are perfect. All of them. Her characterization is beautiful and her plot lines are incredible and flawless and she leaves me hanging on every word. Her Izaya has stolen my heart. He's so perfect. And her Shizuo is a total angel. Fuuuuuck. I love her writing. The other fic you need to read is _Fragility_, by Twilight Zephyr, because this is another one that is extremely well done and beautiful. I love this writer as my friend and as a very talented author. She is incredible and this fic really has a home in my heart.

C) Thank you all! For everything. I hope you're enjoying this story. If not, I hope you enjoy the two I've just suggested.

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><p>"Damn it, Izaya! If you don't want me to think of you as some sort of parasite, stop acting like one!" Shizuo growled, clearly irritated with me for one reason or another.<p>

The past week had been riddled with more downs than ups. My bad habit of being as difficult as possible was evidently wearing the man down, leaving us both more hopeless than either of us could afford to be.

"If you don't get up, I'm going to kill you!" he shot.

"I welcome you to it," I remained impossibly apathetic, reminding him that I'd enjoy such a devastating fate.

"What the hell? Seriously?" he hissed, taking the frustration out on the wall with a kick, consequently putting a dent in the plaster. With an unsatisfied grumble, he stomped out of the room, lighting up a fresh cigarette on his way out.

Truthfully, I felt at least a little guilty. There were reasons behind my complete uselessness during those past seven days... reasons I struggled to convey to him. Actually... it wasn't even a struggle. I simply _refused_ to try. Nevertheless, I couldn't explain, so he couldn't understand.

Every time I closed my eyes, my world succumbed to vivid nightmares... increasingly worse mental plays of what a waste of life I considered myself to be. Each dream became more encouragement to end everything - even if that meant I'd burn in Hell. Hell couldn't have been any worse than this. Each dream looked me dead in the eyes, telling me that it would be okay; that suicide was always a viable option. However, each vision also had a turning point. As soon as I found myself comfortable in my delusions, the scene would change. My depictions of death - those in my head - were always very comforting. They acted as if dying was a wonderful, beautiful, spectacular thing, almost like a child's first trip to Disneyland. Then Disneyland would burn to the ground, reminding me that life awaited me outside of sleeping eyes.

Nobody should think the things I thought. Nobody should ever feel so low that their dreams of dying were better than the world they lived in.

I became so obsessed with living in these nightmares that I didn't want to relearn how to live in reality anymore. Even the turning point, the place in my mind where the nightmare altered to horrifying extremes, were more intriguing than waking up the next day. I didn't care about the nightmares that woke me up deep into the night, either. So terrifying - so honest - that I'd awake with a jolt, like a stream of electricity coursing through my shallow veins. Cold sweats. Tears. Adrenaline. Waking up only brought on side-effects. That was the worst part. Waking up... disappointed that I could not be taken in my sleep; yet strangely satisfied by the rush of horror I was left with.

"Get up, louse," Shizuo growled, returning to his bedroom to find me hiding from the sunlight which poured into the room, blissful and radiant as he opened the blinds. I despised it. Spring. What an awful season to be alive.

"No thank you," my voice was muffled by pillows and sheets.

"Get. Up."

"Why, Shizu-chan? What are you going to do about it?" I sneered.

"Because you haven't left this damn room in almost five days. Do you even remember the last time you've eaten? Get your ungrateful ass up before I throw you out the damn window."

Ungrateful? For what? I didn't even want to be there. In fact, I was perfectly elated by the idea of going home from Shinra's place so that I could get my hands on a pleasant dose of cyanide to drop in a glass of grape kool-aid, or down like a shot of sake. It wasn't like Shizuo really wanted me staying with him. If anything, he was doing it for Celty, because their friendship was really the one tie he had with anyone that meant anything to him, especially since the idiot's brother found out that he was fired from the one job he promised not to screw up. Granted... Kasuka didn't believe it when Shizuo told him that it was partially my fault; nor did I ever make any sort of move to set things straight.

"Fine," Shizuo emitted a distressed sigh, plopping down on the edge of the bed. "I give up."

Surprise forced me upright, having not expected him to throw in the towel so quickly. Cocking my head to the side, I stared at his tense profile with incredulity. I could almost see the veins running through his forehead. "Really? That easy, Shizu-chan?"

"No."

"Wha-"

A hand struck my throat, like a viper after its prey. The force of which knocked me onto my back. His large hand around my neck came just short of crushing my windpipe in his grasp. I was almost overwhelmed by the feeling. It had been months since this kind of contact flitted between us. I felt like I was tasting the past.

"A minute ago I realized something," he nonchalantly said, hovering over me; holding me down with impractical strength.

"What's… that?" I choked, captivated by a deadly force in his eyes.

"I keep saying I'll kill you, forgetting that this new version of Orihara Izaya wants it that way. So from now on, I'm doing the opposite."

"Meaning?" I wheezed, grabbing at his forearm to pull it off of me.

"Instead of threatening you with murder, I'm gonna make you go outside." He released his grip. "And here's reason eight: If you really wanted to die, you wouldn't have struggled to break free."

Damn it. How did that moron do that?

Begrudgingly, I ended up following him around the city that day. And all through the streets, a bad feeling loomed over my shoulder like a thick black storm cloud, waiting to come into play as an unfortunate event. I could feel it down to the marrow in my bones.

Fortunately, nobody asked questions. Nobody had the guts to. Shizuo and I had violently danced around this vibrant city way too many times for your ordinary person to question the unbroken eye contact between us as I followed him. Celty and Simon were the only two around with any sense of what was transpiring between myself and the blond brute. Still, neither called attention to it, probably thinking it best to treat this marathon of the Twilight Zone as a perfectly normal outing. Even they could pretend.

Of course, there were those who went unconvinced... those who brought on that chilling sense of danger. Before, I would have welcomed it with open arms. Now, I stayed close to my greatest adversary for protection. In a way, it humiliated me, putting a bullet in my weakened sense of pride.

Sensing the danger coming near, I reached my hand in my coat pocket.

"Huh?" I stopped in my tracks.

It wasn't there. In the place where it always stayed, my one true source of protection could not be found.

"Keep walking," Shizuo caught sight of my hesitation, lighting a fresh cigarette.

"My flick blade is gone," I replied, unwilling to take another step until it was found.

Shizuo simply shrugged. "Yeah. You're not gonna find it here."

"Wait. How do -"I narrowed my eyes on his listless countenance, "You have it, don't you?"

"Stay close," he ordered, ignoring my question.

"Where is it?" I grumbled, "I need it."

"For what?" Shizuo turned, shooting me a wicked look. "Remember. You have to give up certain freedoms right now."

"This isn't about my freedom!" I shot. "Do you have it or don't you?"

Shizuo crinkled his eyebrows and shook his head. Throwing my hands in the air, I decided to accept defeat, as I was left with no other options. Onward we went. Closer, the danger grew.

"Can we go home now?" I asked, feeling my body begin to drag me back in that very direction before receiving a response.

"Damn it, tick! You're really starting to piss me off!"

I knew that there was no way to get him to comply without telling him what I felt. However, expressing your feelings to the enemy, even when there are bigger problems than the two of you, is probably one of the most arduous tasks a person could be burdened with. For whatever reason, I couldn't tell him, just as I could not tell him why I wanted to end it all.

"Listen, Shizu-chan!" I thought up a quick lie. "I feel sick."

"You _are_ sick."

Damn it. He was not going to give in. This was feeling like moving mountains. Impossible.

"Tch. I was beginning to think you were actually a pretty good guy," I nagged. "This is just torture."

"Sometimes even good guys have to be cruel. And I'm not a good guy, so thank you for almost thinking that."

At those words, I found it difficult not to come up with some kind of retort. I mean, I was bullshitting him. Everybody in Tokyo already knew that Heiwajima Shizuo was a good person at heart… a good person with a bad anger streak, sure. But still good. Even I knew that. Maybe that's part of why I so despised him. He could cause so much trouble for people, yet when I thought back, who were they? The ones he hurt… Rarely did he lay a hand on somebody who didn't deserve it for one reason or another. Beyond that, the most problems he caused were for the city's finances and all of the things he destroyed going after the idiots he pummeled into the pavement. Shizuo was like an exterminator, squishing all of the vermin into the ground with his bare hands. Ikebukuro may not be the safest place in the universe, but from a casual pedestrian's standpoint, it was comforting to know that a person like him existed. Everybody knew who he was; therefore, only the most daring of people - especially myself - were willing to put him to the test.

Really… Heiwajima Shizuo was an incredible person…

When I glanced back up from my thoughts, I found myself lost in a sea of blank faces, with the one person I was supposed to be following gone from my line of sight.

"Damn it," I cursed under my breath, forcing my way through the crowd to catch up.

He was nowhere to be found.

Taking out my cell phone, I searched through my contacts for his phone number before realizing that I didn't have it. Fuck. Of course I wouldn't. Why would I have his number? I hated him. He hated me. Living with him did not seem to be changing these factors. So why in the world would I?

He was going to be seriously pissed off when he found out that I was no longer a step behind him.

Weighing my various options between searching from a rooftop, or just going back to his apartment, I decided it best to keep my eye out for Celty as I ventured back to Russian Sushi to see if Simon could help me find the Invincible Man. And maybe I was over thinking all of it, but the past few weeks had certainly changed me. I was at the thinnest I'd ever been in my life, weakened by a heavy lack of activity, without my knife. Being in no shape to put up a fight, the moment the wrong type of person laid eyes on me would open a door to an entire series of tribulation.

"There you are!" I turned excitedly to the sound of a familiar voice. "I've finally found you, Orihara Izaya."

"Fina- Who the hell are you?"

_If I could get this feeling to end _

_With trembling idle hands holding me there _

_We laugh in the face of love _

_Cause nobody's really there _

_Nobody's real _


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**: Damn... I feel really sick and my teeth hurt. But I didn't want to forget this update before I crash! I'm sleepy and I fell asleep working on the last update.

Ah, well. |:

* * *

><p>"This is a bad day for you to be out on the streets, Orihara-san. <em>Alone<em> on the streets," the goon-ish looking man, probably around my age, grinned, readjusting the fedora that sat atop his ugly head. His backup goons smiled with him. "The boss is pissed. Says you haven't returned any of his calls."

"I haven't returned anyone's calls," I casually said, tucking my hands in my pockets as if I'd find my confiscated switchblade there.

"But you should know that doesn't fly with our leader."

"Seriously," I took an uncomfortable step back. "Who are you?"

"We're with the Awakusu-kai. Shiki-san is looking for you. Says you're supposed to be on lockdown or something."

Tch. Who else would have been looking for me?

"I'm currently on vacation," I informed them, "Tell him I'll give him a call in about three weeks."

Of course… I planned to be dead by then.

"That's not gonna work this time. See… You can't just evade him."

I frowned. "It's not necessarily a matter of choice, here. Think of it as a leave of absence. Personal reasons have come into play. But if you'll tell me just what he wants, I'll make a mental note of it for when I return to work."

"Then just come with us and get it all over with now."

"Over with?"

I knew they wanted me dead. And I knew he wanted to kill me. After all of the problems I had caused. Framing Shizuo as an assassin. Misleading information being handed out left and right. Enticing Akane-chan to run away from home. I made that man think I was his dog before I turned against him for the thrill. There were a million reasons for them to kill me. And with my desperation to die, I couldn't tell you why I didn't accept. Maybe it was because I hoped to die in such a way that there wouldn't be much to clean up, or that my corpse would still be identifiable, or found at all, just in case there was somebody in this world who cared enough. Not that I could think of anyone.

It was the good nature of humans that saved me against my will, was it not? Maybe that good nature would just continue to shine through, reminding me that it was worth it to keep living if only to love them. However, the loathing I had directed at myself was stronger than the love for humanity.

I couldn't fight. I didn't want to.

Or maybe… possibly… I was just so bent on proving to Shizu-chan that after all he'd do to help me, I was still going to return home to get the final job done.

"Listen, I'm not taking off with some unknown subordinates. If he wants me, let him find me."

"He said you'd say that," the minion and two minions of his own cracked their knuckles threateningly, but I stood my ground.

He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pulling me into him. Sneering, he instantaneously rammed his forehead into mine, and threw me to the ground. Landing on my back, I reached for my eye, where I could already feel the crack in my eyebrow gushing with blood.

So much for standing my ground.

"Get up, worm," he cackled, ramming his foot into my side. The name almost reminded me of Shizuo, if not for an entirely different tone of voice.

"You make it kind of difficult," I said through my teeth, "When you kick someone while they're down."

"Just following orders. You're making this a lot easier than he said you would," the unknown crony barked, proud of his minor accomplishment. Hell, a high school girl could have beaten me up if she wanted to.

I squinted. "Do what you will. You must feel so big to take down a defenseless man by surprise."

"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

"Once a gofer, always a gofer."

Kneeling beside me, the man lifted me from the pavement by the trim of my coat. By now, many onlookers watched in fear and curiosity as this stranger attempted to tear me apart. I could hear their whispers, surrounding us. My name echoed through the crowd, reminding me of my infamous standing with the city.

"The only thing stopping me from killing you is the fact that there's somebody else who would rather do the honors."

"That's right," a loud growl broke through the whispers of the crowd, blanketing the vicinity in silence with a final gasp before the quietness rushed through every onlooker. "And that person is _me_."

Tilting my head backwards, my savior hung upside down in my angle of vision, an absolutely pissed-off-to-the-core jeer slashing through his face, and a streetlight slung over his shoulder. Glancing back at my current aggressor, I couldn't help but put on a tranquil grin of my own. He was mortified; his men already vanished. "H-Heiwajima Shizuo?" he stumbled over the name.

"Get your hands off my louse," Shizuo growled, plucking the cigarette out of his mouth and snapping it in half.

The lackey dropped me, allowing me to inelegantly introduce my skull to the tarmac. "I'm taking him back to the boss," he announced.

"Over my dead body!" Shizuo roared, swinging the bar of steel like a baseball bat, coming inches shy of hitting the Awakusu-kai subordinate.

Having dodged the attack, the man danced nervously around Shizuo. Furiously observing, Shizuo followed the circular movement in my direction, stopping when he was standing over me the way a dog stands over a chunk of meat. Protective and ready to kill for it. It was the most dangerous standoff I'd seen since our last fight.

"Don't kill him," I coughed through the pain, still winded from the blow to my torso.

"Why shouldn't I? And where the fuck did you run off to?"

"Can we not talk about this right now? Just do as I say."

Dropping the traffic light, Shizuo switched to a more hands-on style of fight. The goon smiled, falsely convinced that he might have this duel in the bag. He should have done his research. As he came towards us, ready to throw a punch, Shizuo grabbed the man by the arm, flipped him, and slammed him so hard into the street that a crack raced all the way down to the next corner. Left unconscious, one could hardly call it a fight.

But he wasn't the only one feeling the stresses.

Overwhelmed by adrenaline paired with pain pumping through my feeble body, I barely crossed eyes with Shizuo before my vision went black and I passed out. His hands on my shoulders were the last sensation I felt before spiraling down into dark unconsciousness.

* * *

><p>Awakening from a migraine the size of the Mt. Fuji, my eyes carefully adjusted to the dim light of the apartment. Damn. It felt as if no time had passed between having my ass handed to me, and waking up to the fading light of day.<p>

"Hey," Shizuo quietly spoke from the kitchen, "How are you feeling?"

"Is that even a question?" I groaned, clutching a pain in my side.

Lifting my shirt, I looked down at the large bruise I should have expected, and winced at the ugly blend of red, black, and purple that had become my skin. Even Shizuo had never left a marking quite like this. I wondered if it had anything to do with my body's apparent change in endurance. Quite honestly, I just ended up even more disgusted with myself for it, thus filling my head with more reasons why I'd be better off dead. If I couldn't even defend myself, if all I could do was crumple like unwanted garbage, I didn't deserve life.

"I know you don't want to, but I think we need to talk about what happened back there."

"What happened?" I echoed with an angry wave. "Tch. You made me go out on the streets against my will, lost me, and then I got my ass beaten into the cement. That's what happened."

His eyes softened. "You know what I mean. Why are those guys after you?"

"Because," I sighed, "There are a lot of people after me. It's what happens when you make eight times their salary by digging up dirt on them, and selling it to their competition."

Shizuo scowled. "You're in a really shitty line of business, y'know."

"And you aren't?"

"I do my best not to destroy innocent people. You live for it."

"Lived," I corrected him with the past tense, "I _lived_ for it. And now it's all coming back to bite me in the ass. So can we please drop it now?"

Doing as asked for the time being, Shizuo took a seat next to me on the edge of the couch. His thinking face was on again. I once thought it was a look of emptiness, like he was completely clueless. By living with him I learned the exact opposite to be the truth of the matter.

"Let me see that bruise," he said as more of a command than a request.

A small nod gave him a green light as I uncovered it once again. Hesitating, he reached his hand towards my torso. I winced at his touch as his fingertips grazed over the damage done by that moron on the streets. Even a feather being dragged across this area of my skin would have stung like a raging, hormonal bitch. My muscles tensed. I could feel a thin layer of sweat emerging through the pores along my hairline. It burned.

"Sorry…" Shizuo apologized, "I don't know how to be more gentle."

I frowned. "Gentle? It's not you. This thing fucking hurts."

"Think it's a little late for ice?"

I gave a nod. "Perhaps."

"Should I-" he motioned to get up, but I grabbed his sleeve, willing him to stay put.

"It's fine."

"Does it hurt less if… I…" his sentence trailed off as his fingertips traveled upward. Holding himself up with his free arm, Shizuo hovered over me, raking his lightning lit orbs from the nasty bruise up to my own eyes. "They're not the same as they used to be…"

"What do you mean?"

"Your eyes always used to look like fresh blood. I hated them," he said as if he meant it as a romantically enticing compliment. I was fully incredulous, unaware that he had ever taken notice to something so trivial as the color of my eyes.

"What do they look like now?" I wondered out loud, arching an eyebrow.

"Unpolished garnet."

Disappointed with what I'd become, I looked away, feeling my agony take control once again. It wasn't working for Shizuo. Removing his hand from the exposed skin on my torso, he took my face in his hand, bringing my line of sight back to meet his. Carefully, he came closer. So close that I could taste the cigarettes on his breath as I inhaled. I couldn't hold back from reaching up to brush away a few strands of that wild blond hair out of his long black lashes.

Unable to stop ourselves, Shizuo closed the gap between us, brushing his smoke flavored lips over mine. Soft, much more gentle than the feeling of his fingertips, they reminded me of the blossoms falling from the countless Sakura trees. Closing my eyes, I absorbed the sensation as if it were the last thing I may ever feel. It was almost like a death sentence. I waited for the torture to progress into something we'd undoubtedly regret. As much as I hated it, I welcomed it all the same, reveling in it until I realized it could never be real, only to ache when I remembered that there were twenty-two days left until my last… Twenty-two days to become attached to something I didn't want… to someone I was supposed to hate. Gently, I moved my hand to his chest, pushing him out of range to prevent it from happening again.

Looking at me like I had backed my nonexistent car over his nonexistent puppy - in other words, perfectly injured in all of the wrong ways - he left my side, lighting a cigarette as he disappeared to his bedroom.

My breath hitched, like a vice grip clenching down on my windpipe. Covering my mouth with my hands, I felt my eyes fill to the brim with tears.

What the hell were we doing to ourselves…?

* * *

><p><em>Where do you go when it gets dark<em>

_And is there room for me there?_

_How long will it take you to wake up_

_Before you go will you wake me?_

_Will you wake me up?_


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:** AAAAHHH! SHRILL FANGIRLY SCREAMING! In just 2 days, I'll be off to Pennsylvania to see my own Shizu-chan.

Here's today's update for you. Thank you so much for feedback, even though this story has been posted before. I'm thrilled to see new readers even now. That really is quite unexpected but SUPER exciting!

Stay classy~!

* * *

><p>I woke up at some time in the middle of the night as sirens whirred past the building after the loud screech of a motorbike. I realized that soon after Shizuo stormed out of my sight my injuries must have knocked me out once again. However, I found it odd that after we made such a detrimental mistake in our hatehate relationship I did not awaken on his couch, but tangled in the black cotton sheets of his bed. And what was more surprising than this revelation was that I did not wake up to find myself alone, but with the messy haired blond fast asleep beside me with a very serious expression scribbled across his sleeping face.

Digging my hands into my hair, I pulled slightly, just enough to tell myself that I hadn't wandered into a very, very realistic dream. I was uncomfortable with this. What did he think he was doing? Was he completely ignoring the fact that I had a self-proclaimed expiration date, which stood three or less weeks away? Less, being that if anything went too terribly wrong, I'd push it for a sooner date and time? What did he think he was doing showing me these awkward, misplaced affections? He was supposed to despise me, resent me, be revolted by my presence. So why now? What was so twisted in Shizuo's brain that he thought this was okay? Because, in all fairness, shouldn't I have been given some warning signs before THAT happened?

Perhaps he wasn't thinking. Perhaps I mistook him for someone else. Who? Hell. I don't fucking know. Perhaps I was fantasizing about things that could never be. Or maybe he wanted to give me one final good feeling before I went out. Consequently, the only thing a person can beget out of a random act like that is a blend of confusion and torment.

I wanted to die. I longed to meet my end. Even more now than when I found myself in Shinra's personal hospital.

Knowing all of this as truth, why would he fill my broken heart with lies? Was he trying to help me quicken the process?

Forcing myself back to sleep, I tried to remain convinced that it was all in the heat of the moment; that sometimes people just slip, even when they don't mean it. Like a slip of the tongue... without the tongue... It was partially my fault anyway. I gave in, desperately hanging on to a final thread of hope. And what if I decided to keep hanging? The thread would snap, and I'd fall deeper down into the hole I had been living in for the past many months.

Unfortunately, this strange affection didn't end there. While we didn't kiss again, we may as well have. Sleeping together ensued, even escalating to a new level within a few days.

By the light of day, word of our new habit went unspoken, like we were ashamed of it. I won't even lie. We _were_ ashamed of it. At least, I was. Very. So much so that we barely spoke at all. Shizuo would give me my daily reason to press on. Whether it helped or not was entirely up to me. From my point of view, this minor task was meant to be a challenge. I didn't have him throwing these things out at me one day at a time to make it all worth it. I did them hoping he'd quickly run out of ideas so that I'd be able to leave. Of course, when my happiness divorced my insanity, it took the luck with it.

After that, minimal small talk followed. Silently, we had somehow agreed that there was nothing to talk about, nor would there ever be. Like I said, it was a slip, an accident, a result of being caught up in the moment after a long day of events that never should have occurred.

It meant nothing...

Weighed down by my injuries, getting out of the apartment was not much of an option. For me, this was perfect. He couldn't force me out into the world. For him, it was more or less irritating because there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it; so when he took off in the morning to go to work, he'd leave me alone in his home for the day - but not without sending Celty over every two hours to make sure I was still breathing. Little Miss Headless could check all she wanted. I made no plans of leaving my dreams as I spent most of my days sleeping. When she did catch me awake, it was never for very long.

She never liked me much. I couldn't really blame her. Though, I could usually sense her concern through the patterns of her shadowy smoke during the rare occasions that she removed her helmet.

[_You look terrible_.] she would type to me on her PDA.

Usually, I shrugged off the comment before she'd ask me if I was hungry, or about the last time I'd had a shower. Living like a hermit would have bothered me once... That wasn't the case anymore.

By the end of the day, Shizuo would return, bringing home food that I had no appetite for, and rants about how I needed to do more with my life than sleep it away. I would simply respond to this nagging with a look designed to remind him that I didn't care because it'd be over soon enough.

"Not even tuna?" he frowned, offering the sushi to me.

I wasn't even tempted.

"Izaya, if you don't eat you're going to become anorexic or some shit. You'll end up in a real hospital, where they stuff food down your throat before shipping you off to rehab. From there, they'll do the same thing, along with three pills a day that make you feel even more dead than you are now."

Wow… I don't even.

Despite his hospitality, I was about ready to do anything to refrain from being trapped in another moment with him. I even considered slipping out to study the distance between the apartment's rooftop to the ground beneath, until my bruised side cramped and I meekly fell back into the sheets. Making it clear that I was wearing him down, Shizuo prevailed, not prepared to give up, or lose his temper. I was still incredulous at the way he'd take out his rage on inanimate objects rather than myself.

* * *

><p>On the thirteenth night of my stay, I awoke from my usual nightmares feeling like I was being confined by countless numbers of iron chains. Adjusting to the surrounding reality, I found a pair of long arms coiled protectively around my torso, and a sleeping face comfortably buried into my back.<p>

"Damn it..." I grumbled, wiggling out of my larger opponents arms. Even asleep, he was making me feel things that I didn't want to feel... making me feel _lies_... I bit back a set of oncoming tears, forcing myself not to cry. The immortal pit in my stomach grew from the unwarranted sensation. Watching him shift in his sleep, I heaved a sigh, got up, and left the bedroom.

Taking my cell phone with me, I sat down on the couch and clicked "connect" on a familiar icon.

[**Kanra has signed on**]

I waited a moment before a tiny blue icon popped up beside the screen name "Tanaka Taro." My chest tightened at the sight of his name.

[**Tanaka Taro**]

_Hello, Kanra. This is a surprise!_

[**Kanra**]

_What is?_

[**Tanaka Taro**]

_Well, it's just that it's kind of late. And you haven't been on in weeks._

[**Kanra**]

_Oh. Sorry. I've been busy_.

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_Izaya-san?_

Why he selected private messaging, I'm really unsure. We were clearly the only two signed on, but I went with it for the sole fact that I needed somebody to talk to other than Shizuo. I felt both surrounded and lonely. Seeing a familiar name brought on a similar comfort to the feeling of my switchblade tucked in my pocket. Yet… I was fully aware that I could not give anything away to him. In my mind, I was somewhat of an advisor to this boy, even if that meant wrapping him around my finger to corrupt the hell out of him. If he knew what I had done…

[**Kanra - Private Mode**]

_How can I be of service, Ryuugamine-kun?_

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_Forgive me if this is forward, but are you okay?_

[**Kanra - Private Mode**]

_I'm fine. Why do you ask? Is something wrong?_

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_I'm sorry... Maybe I shouldn't. It isn't my business..._

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_It's just that I saw you the other day. I saw you get in that fight, and now the whole city is talking about it. And you haven't involved yourself in Dollars either._

[**Kanra - Private Mode**]

_Everything is fine. I'm really busy with work, you know. It was just a little business spat. The air is cleared now. No need to worry._

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_Well... If you're sure. That guy was frightening._

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_It has been a big topic with Dollars, too. Especially the way Heiwajima Shizuo stood up for you. It shocked all of us._

[**Kanra - Private Mode**]

_Reasonably so._

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_Okay... But Izaya-san?_

[**Kanra - Private Mode**]

_Yeah?_

[**Tanaka Taro - Private Mode**]

_If you do need anything, you know Dollars will be by your side. You're still one of us._

I quickly signed off after those words, snapping my phone shut and holding it to my chest. They were too much for my weakened heart to handle. Dollars didn't owe me a thing, let alone hold responsibility in helping me through the personal hell I constructed for myself. I could never expect a high school kid, even one as special as Ryuugamine Mikado, to pull me out of the dark.

I begged whatever powers that may be that people would stop offering me their kindness. For in my mind - in my heart - it was too late to retract all of the torment that had finally caught up with me.

Shinra, Celty, Mikado, Simon... Shizuo... the entire city of Ikebukuro... needed to accept my fate. I had been holding on for them long enough. My readiness to die had spread through my entire system like cancer. There was no cure.

* * *

><p><em>And how long could you hang on to the word?<em>

_Tell me, how long could you hang on to the word?_

_I'm not the one that you want._

_I'll only let you down._

_And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on._

_And you can say that, oh._

_I'm just feeling sorry for myself._


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note:** Hi, all! Just wanted to say that updates after today are going to be random for at least the next week because I am going to Philadelphia tomorrow and I don't know if/when I'll have time to update. So here is today's! I'll probably get another one posted one more time before I go, but if not, soon.

Thank you for reading. Both older readers and new, I'm glad you're here.

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><p>After giving up hope, I had finally discovered one person who agreed with me on my decided fate. It had taken long enough, but he finally showed up, ready with one-hundred plus reasons why I should be allowed to give up my life.<p>

Better late than never, I suppose?

In fact, his timing could not have been better.

Shizuo had become more persistent in the last couple days. None of my thoughts had changed for the better. Still, he clung to hope with another sixteen days to work with. Personally, I didn't see the point.

"Reason fifteen," he spoke, handing me a cup of hot tea, "There's a couple of twin girls - Raira students - wondering why their 'Iza-nii' hasn't been home."

Those words meant nothing to me. Word of my sisters, Mairu and Kururi, never fazed me unless it involved their obsession with torturing me. In my mind it seemed somewhat hypocritical for Shizuo to even mention the twins, considering that his own younger sibling, Kasuka, had been back in Ikebukuro since my failed attempt at suicide, and they hadn't sent each other so much as a text message. Why should Shizuo have cared if I hadn't had anything to do with my own family when he worked so hard to distance himself from his own? He and Kasuka had grown up together. They had the sort of bond - sort of like some twins do - where they could read each other's minds. My sisters were different. While they were that way with each other, they never were with me. Nearly ten years separates us, and my rotten path had corrupted them so horribly that my own parents would have little to do with me. Whether or not the girls missed me, I really couldn't see it as my problem. Loving them as any older brother would did not mean I had to interact with them... did it? Besides, even when life was good and I didn't have this darkness looming over my shoulder, I only ever used them for my benefit. I only made them tools in my work. For my own entertainment.

"They'd be better off not seeing me," I mumbled, staring deeply at my reflection in the cup of tea.

"What makes you say that?" Shizuo queried.

"Tch," I scoffed.

To me it was perfectly obvious, as I continued to examine myself, poking the black scab slicing through my eyebrow and wondering how sunken in my tired eyes used to be... when things were normal, and the idea of death wasn't constantly on my mind... Did my hair always stick out in every direction? Had my hands always trembled? Was my mouth always pulled down into a miserable frown?

No.

My sisters - my family - they wouldn't recognize me anymore. How could they? I barely recognized myself. They'd be better off saying their goodbyes at my funeral; not when I was barely hanging on. It'd hurt too much. I wouldn't know where to begin with the apology.

"Am I crazy?" I wondered out loud.

"Depends," Shizuo answered, "What kinda crazy are you talking about?"

"Certifiable."

"Like... Do you belong in an asylum?"

"Sure. We'll go with that."

"I used to think so."

"What changed your mind?" I asked with a feeling that I already knew the answer.

"Seeing you like this." Shizuo came up behind me, placing both hands on my shoulders. Squeezing tightly, he probably lost track of his own strength again. The pain made me cringe, though I admit I rather enjoyed it.

He made me feel. When nobody else did... he could...

"Shouldn't that have you more convinced that something is terribly wrong with my mind?"

"You're infamous for being manipulative and cruel... for twisting the minds of the weak and innocent. It may not be the best way to live, but that doesn't label you certifiably insane."

Taking a sip of tea, I scoffed. "Now you're being too nice."

Shizuo released his grip from around my shoulders. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"Yeah. It's almost making me sick."

Pulling away from him, I suddenly felt crowded by his presence. The sensation of hate and malice had evaporated from the air around us as a more frightening vibe threatened to break through.

For no other reason than to get away, I stood up. "I need a shower," I told him, hurrying into the bathroom to wash the unwanted feelings from my skin.

There was no handling Shizuo and his soft heart for humanity. I had to believe he'd do the same for anybody else. I had to believe that I wasn't special... or I'd never be able to leave.

* * *

><p>I stepped out of the shower, immediately picking up on voices coming from the opposite side of the wall. Honing in on the sound, I picked up two. One belonged to Shizuo; however, it barely sounded like the same man who tore up the streets of Ikebukuro, nor did he sound like the same man I had been living with. There was a new breed of fury on his lips. He sounded like he had never been more sure of anything in his life. The other voice... well... You'd have to be a fool to be Japanese and not recognize the younger Heiwajima. His manner of speaking was uniquely cool, always sounding perfectly scripted, even when it wasn't. Nevertheless, something was different this time. He was angry; raising his voice to argue with his older brother.<p>

"You don't know anything!" Shizuo shot. There was a loud thud on the table, like he had thrown his hands down on the wooden surface. And I imagined his kitchen table cracking due to the blow.

"I know enough!" the actor shot back. "After everything he has done to you, are you really going to sit back and believe him now?"

"You haven't seen the things I've seen. You haven't seen him the way I've seen him!"

"Shizuo, whether or not you allow yourself to believe it, he is putting on an act."

"And you would know?" Shizuo sneered.

"I would think it is my job to know. He is fucking manipulating you!"

Continuing to eavesdrop on their argument, I pressed my back against the wall, sliding down the smooth surface until I hit the carpeted floor beneath my feet. There was no helping it. They were arguing about me. Hell, I practically felt obligated to listen in.

"You are going to end up hurt. He is going to pinpoint all of your weaknesses so that he can use them to destroy you!"

"What fucking weaknesses!" Shizuo retaliated, refusing to listen to his younger brother.

"Shit. I would say the fact that every body saw you defending him is a _fabulous_ start!"

"So what if I did?"

"Get it through your head! There is NOBODY in this world who is willing to defend HIM. _Him_, Shizuo. Orihara Izaya. Or have you forgotten his name in your obsession with fixing him?"

"Then I guess I'm nobody."

"You cannot repair evil, big brother. You cannot turn him around."

"I'm not trying to."

"What the hell is it that you _are_ trying to do then?"

"I'm trying to keep him alive!"

"He does not deserve it; nor does he need that from you."

"You don't know that. You don't know what you're talking about, Kasuka."

"He is lying to you. That parasite is way too happy leeching the life out his victims to need anything. He would take it whether you wanted him to or not."

"Don't say that. You don't know what he's been through."

"Attempting suicide? Listen to me, Shizuo! Please. Do you really think -"

"It wouldn't matter what I think! I _know_ what the damn truth is. I don't need my little brother telling me otherwise!"

"Even if he did try to kill himself, do you really believe that he is innocent? Do you think it somehow cleansed him of all of his sins? Do you really think that he doesn't deserve every bit of suffering to come his way? I mean, look at the things he has done to hurt you. Would you really put it past him to do it again?"

'"Kasuka..." Shizuo's resilience dropped about a thousand notches. My heart went with it.

"Shizuo." The actor remained strong.

"..."

Shizuo went silent. Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine the look on his face as he took all factors into consideration. He had plenty of reasons to give in to Kasuka. Even if their relationship was rocky at times, Shizuo had just about a billion reasons why he could give more trust to the actor than the liar. Kasuka was right. About everything. My life's cruelty did not deserve the mercy from one of its victims.

The facts weighed against me.

"I've done everything I can to help him," Shizuo finally spoke after a long, tense silence. "He's lost so much weight and energy... There is no way he could be the same person who has given me hell for the last seven years. I can't get him outside. I can barely get him out of bed to eat."

"Then send him to the hospital," Kasuka's stance was unwavering. "Let him leech off somebody else."

Sinking lower to the floor, I knew that was it. That's all it took. I needed to get out. I needed to breathe.

Glancing around Shizuo's bedroom, I opted to sneak out the window before their argument reached an end. Throwing my jacket over my shoulders, I reached for my cell phone on the dresser. In my panic to get out, I knocked it onto the floor, sending it sliding under the bed. Reaching for it, something else connected with my fingertips. Cold surgical steel, approximately ten centimeters in length, carefully protected between perfectly cut oak wood.

My switchblade. My extra limb. My missing piece.

I could not put into words the comfort that washed over me as I gently slid her back into place in my pocket. One might even say that this blade was my best friend. My one love. The only splendor that remained. My miserable world became a fraction less deplorable as I slid silently out the window, no longer alone.

* * *

><p><em>How can we forget who we have become<em>

_I'll give it all up._

_Please wake up._

_Every breathe you take, is a lie_

_How did you ever see me broken?_

_Well you forced me to find out everyday_

_Did you ever see me open?_

_Well you forced me to find out everyday_


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** Updating early! I leave early in the morning tomorrow for the airport, then I'll be in the air for like 5 hours and I land in Philadelphia at like 4:30/5:00PM. I am very excited! And I'm excited that people are reading this fic again. I know I keep mentioning it, but I really am! For all of you reading this author's note, thank you! Because I have an announcement.

On my Tumblr, I am doing a giveaway for some Code Geass charas. If you are at all interested in trying to win, you should skip on over to my blog and check out the rules. The giveaway ends on Christmas and not a lot of people have entered, so your chances are pretty good.

You can check it out right here: murder-status. tumblr. com/post/13952516885/giveaway-time-for-my-13-000-post-so-some-of

(Don't forget to take out the spaces when going to the link)

Thank you! Happy reading!

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><p>Immaculate are the clouds who never hide their pain. A vivid flash. A monstrous roar. A downpour like an emotional meltdown of anger. Of pain. The most solid rage. They never hide what they're feeling. They aren't like me.<p>

Who in their right mind would _want_ to be like me?

I made it to the roof using the apartment's old fire escape just as the storm hit the city. Cold rain immediately absorbed into my jacket, striking my body like bullets before chilling my skin as it soaked through my clothes. The humidity in the air was as thick as the tension in my shoulders. I felt like the weather was speaking to me. No. _For_ me. It was telling the world all of the things I didn't know how to say on my own.

This world was choking me.

Desperate to break free, I precariously balanced on the railing that lined the top of the building, careful not to let the wind push me before I was ready. Fifteen stories below I knew I could meet my end. Once and for all. Everything I ever wanted. One step, and a sudden drop away. I could fall. I could fall, and make it look like an accident. Balance had been lost in my weeks of inactivity. I wasn't used to holding myself up this way. I wasn't used to my abandoned talents anymore.

Dizzy and confused, I stepped back, deciding to carefully lean over the railing until my mind was made up. I closed my eyes, praying the answers would come to me. I wanted to die, but I wasn't entirely sure if this is how I wanted to do it. I wanted to get out, but was I so desperate that I'd leap to my death? The trouble of finding the answer was throwing me for a whirl. Jumping isn't rare for the suicidal. In fact, if a person is going to do it, it's probably one of the more guaranteed ways to go. Still, I was restrained. Part of me still held on to the hope that somebody in the world would care enough. I'd caused enough disasters. To clean up my body? That was just cruel… as cruel as Kasuka could say I was.

Everything he said was the truth. The actor did not need to see me, or know what I had been through. He did not need to know what my life had transmuted into… just that every shadow to envelope me was fully earned. I had done enough in my life to void the excuses, feeling that the only way to repent was by death. And I brought it upon myself. Looking around at the surrounding city, I could not have been more sure that Ikebukuro and all of its people were far better off without me. What could this city possibly need me for when all I had done was beget conflict for my entertainment?

And Shizuo…

I closed my eyes, soaking in the feeling of the rain… it's smell, it's taste, it's sound. All of it. And I thought about Shizuo.

What reason did he have to believe that I wouldn't turn this around on him in the end?

Guilt flooded my chest.

Ignoring all other thoughts - especially those that screamed in opposition - I rebalanced myself on the building's railing.

There'd be no goodbye letter this time.

Waiting for the next flash of lightning to play as my green light, I drew in a deep breath, telling myself over and over that I was finally ready… excited that this was finally coming to an end. Eager to hurry, despite being ahead of schedule. Whatever. Did it even matter?

Releasing the air I had filled my lungs with, I watched in a bit of awe as a brilliant flash of electricity touched the earth somewhere in the distance.

"Goodbye," I told the world, sliding my eyelids closed.

I couldn't stop thinking about how much I would have liked to see the stars one more time, but in a way, I was glad they were concealed by the overhead storm.

I began to lean forward into the devastating bliss that was the end. I could feel myself so close. So ready. So-

"IZAYA!" a thunderous voice tore through me, freezing me in place.

Frowning, heavy tears instantly welled in my eyes as the most familiar pair of strong hands gripped my arms, pulling me away from death. Unceremoniously, I slipped backwards, landing on top of him with a splash and a thud, instantly finding myself scrambling to escape him.

I wormed out of his arms, unsteadily bringing myself back to my feet. My knees quivered and I wasn't sure just how well I could hold myself together.

"WHY DID YOU FOLLOW ME?" I yelled, through downpour as Shizuo picked himself up from the ground.

I backed away, feeling threatened by his uninvited presence.

"What the hell are you doing?" he answered with a question. "Are you fucking crazy!"

"An hour ago you didn't seem to think so," I shot. "I'm ready."

"Ready for what? Ready to die? Izaya, you can't just go throw yourself from a rooftop!"

"Why not!"

"Don't be stupid. You just fucking can't!"

"Wouldn't it be better that way?"

"Better for who?"

Something inside me snapped. I found myself, tears still coming down as hard as the rain, staring desperately into Shizuo's eyes. Genuine concern flashed through them, or so it seemed, as another flash of lightning spent a quick second illuminating the sky.

"Izaya. Better for who?" he repeated. "Better for me? You? Tell me. Who would it be better for?"

I bit down on my bottom lip, fighting back another collection of fierce sobs.

"How can they be better for you if you die, Izaya?"

"Because… " I choked. "B-because… everything, every word, Kasuka said… he's right."

Eyes growing wide, Shizuo took a step closer to me. I took one step back, feeling like we were already too close.

"You heard that?" the concern in his voice expanded.

"I think the whole fucking building heard it!" I snapped. "I _told_ you. I told you I should die, Shizu-chan. I told you that it would be better that way. This place will be happier that way!"

"No. No, Izaya, that's not true!"

"Kasuka is right! Even if I am telling the truth-"

The blond man across from me clenched his fists. "Stop it, Izaya. Why would you listen to him!"

"BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! Because it's fucking true!" I sobbed. My words were swirling around in repetitive circles. I could only think of one thing - death. "I don't deserve life. I don't deserve you!"

"Izaya, why are you doing this to yourself?" Shizuo inquired, reaching a hand out to me. I slapped him down immediately. "Why do you want this so much?"

"I don't want to manipulate you. I don't want you to waste your time on this waste of a person! Just let me go." I took another step back. "I want to go."

"Why? What makes this world so unsuitable?"

"It isn't the world," I continued to cry, pointing to myself, "I-it's me. It's _me_ that's unsuitable!"

Frustration expanded within him. "WHY?"

His constant flow of questions hit me like the swift currents of high tide. I felt like I was being stolen away by the undertow, where I was given absolutely no control over my own fate. He would not relent until he was through with me.

"It doesn't matter!"

"Doesn't matter? Izaya, of course it fucking matters!"

"How? If my existence were wanted why couldn't you keep defending me!"

I knew I was being irrational, unfair, _impossible_… But it was all I knew. It was my only defense. To be a challenge was all I had to work with.

"Because you're still a human being!" Shizuo said, as if he were reminding me of something long forgotten. "You're still a person just like the rest of us! You have flaws, and you screw up, and you -"

"I destroy, Shizuo. I destroy people."

Pinning me against the rooftop's railing, I found myself trapped between Shizuo's strong arms, perfectly unwilling to budge. My only escape was to go over the side of the building. While that was what I wanted more than all else, I couldn't let him see. I couldn't pin this on him. I didn't have the heart.

"Why do you want to die, Izaya?" he asked, forcing the question with a stern tone in his voice. He wasn't going to sway.

"That's irrelevant," I once again ran away from the answers.

"No. It's not. Tell me. Why?"

"I just do, okay! No reason. I just feel like I need this!"

"Izaya, you don't get to need this. You don't get to lust after something you can't take back!"

"No action can be taken back. What makes this any different?"

"Because if you die, you don't just come back! You don't get to wake up from the grave and decide you want life again!"

"I realize that!" I continued to retaliate, doing my best to force him away from me. No use. He was too strong, and I too weak. "But this is my life! This is about what I want!"

"If it's about what you want, tell me! Talk to me!" he pleaded, "What is it? What's so wrong that you're so sure you want to die?"

"Let me go, Shizuo!" I wept, sudden exhaustion hitting me like a gust of wind.

"Go _where_?"

With the tears racing down, I hid my face in Shizuo's shoulder. We were soaked from head to toe, treacherously pushed into the side railing. Enough force from his strength could easily have sent us both over.

"Let me…"

Trounced, Shizuo let out a hefty sigh as I began to shiver from beneath him. "Tell me everything… and you can go anywhere you want."

"Sh-Shizu…"

"If nothing else, give me this…"

Giving up? Was he… was Shizuo giving up?

"I… I…"

"Please," he implored. "I can't let you go without knowing why. I couldn't live with myself if I did…"

He was giving me a choice. For the first time, Shizuo was laying out the options before me, rather than telling me what to do, or forcing me into it. I could keep it all bottled away. My secrets. My thoughts. My sentiment. I could keep them locked where he would never extract them, and I could continue to live this miserable existence. Or… I could let it out. I could give myself up. I could surrender my skeletons in exchange for absolute sovereignty.

Wrangling in a deep, quivering breath, I did my best to regain enough composure to earn my rights to freedom. If I was going to die, I figured I may as well honor this last request. Somebody out there deserved to know. Somebody deserved to get something useful out of me. And if that somebody were anybody, I knew in the depths of my soul that it needed to be Heiwajima Shizuo.

"It all caught up with me…" I sniffed, doing my best to explain. "I wanted… to be anything but ordinary… S-so desperately. I wanted to know what it was to love. And… I… I…"

"You what, Izaya?" Shizuo pushed me to keep going.

"I wanted to love this… this _thing_… I wanted to love humanity and all of its unabashed flaws b-because it had so much to offer… So I cheated, and I lied. I caused pain. I caused death. I wreaked havoc all in order to perfect this beautiful, sick, disgusting love of mine. I… I wanted to rule it… f-for the sake of loving it deeper than anybody else cold hope to. I was so in love…"

"And what happened? What changed?"

"For what I'd done… for this love… I realized that the world couldn't love me back. That for all of the scars I'd left across the hearts of humans… both innocent and guilty… weak and strong… I was only hurting what I so adored. One day it just hit me. Terrified, I woke up from a nightmare, feeling like I'd been run down by the subway… realizing that my obsession with this world had done nothing but leave me cold… and alone…" The rain began to slow down into a light drizzle. The chill of my drenched clothes began to seep down to my bones, as cold as the emptiness in my heart. "I don't want to be alone… but I don't deserve anybody. Even if I didn't want to die… I know I'll never change."

"You don't have to change…" whispered Shizuo.

"But I _do_," I retorted, another thick stream escaping from my eyes, "It's the only way to atone…"

"You don't think your suffering is enough?"

"For my list of evil deeds?" I shook my head. "No amount of suffering… Just look what I've done. To you. To Kida Masaomi. To Celty-san. To everybody… You would be hard pressed to find a human in this city who hasn't suffered by my hand… Kasuka is right. I don't deserve life. And this world doesn't deserve my poison. I'm nothing… just a parasite."

He faltered slightly at the creature he so often compared me to. "I understand, but-"

"How could you ever understand, Shizu-chan?" I cut him off. "How could you ever know what this feels like? How can you stand there and honestly believe that you get this? All of those times I've called you a monster… I should have been speaking to myself."

"No…" his arms reworked their way around my waist, to which I replied by coiling my arms around his shoulders, moving to bury my face in the crook of his neck. I needed to be close to something substantial - something warm. I needed to be held. "Because I know pain… and I know suffering… and I certainly know regret. Yet, amongst it all, I have known love."

"What does that even mean?" I whimpered hopelessly.

"I know what you deserve."

Pulling back from the railing, Shizuo lifted me in his arms. Confused, I stared deeply into his steel orbs, each of my limbs now coiled around him, frantic not to let go. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, causing my bloodstream to go insane with the rapid gale of adrenaline. My heart was speeding at homicidal rates. I tried to speak, to wonder aloud what could be going on, when my words were captured and swallowed alive by his mouth crashing into mine.

And I knew… I knew without a doubt in my mind…

Shizuo was not about to let me die. Not tonight.

* * *

><p><em>I never said I was an angel.<em>

_There's a simple explanation for it all._

_It's all my fault._

_The snow melts away._

_I'm close to the ending now._

_I don't want to be saved._


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** I'm just gonna post this, as is, real fast because I'm in Pennsylvania getting ready for a cosplay photo shoot. So. Here! I'm sorry for the delay, but thank you for waiting for the updates. I hope you enjoy this. I'm sorry if it's a bit rough.

Thank you!

* * *

><p>Drowning in our uncertain desperation, Shizuo carried me back to his apartment, though not without many interruptions along the way. Completely tangled, we stumbled down the hallway, making the foolish decision to take the stairs rather than the elevator as we forced our mouths into each other, barely coming up for air. He held on to me as if life depended on it - maybe mine did - while my quivering hands fought with the buttons on his shirt. I could hear the cracks forming in the walls each time we slammed into one, but I didn't care enough to look up at the damage.<p>

My mind was nearly blank. All I could think about was Shizuo's touch never leaving my body. It was everything to me.

We were one flight of stairs above his floor when we decided neither of us could hold out much longer. Wet clothes clung to our skin. Relentless shivering rippled through my body, yet I could not acknowledge the chill as I was so consumed by the heat between us. His hot breath dragging across my icy neck was intoxicating, like a perfect dose of ecstasy.

Whether or not I really wanted this, I could feel my body screaming for more. Every time Shizuo moved his hands somewhere new my muscles crumpled slightly, dying to have every inch of me explored if only to be greedily devoured. I could feel the fluctuating tension in his own muscles with every inch we went. He was desperate, too.

I quickly found myself lusting after the taste of those damn cigarettes on his breath. The feeling of having his tongue dancing with mine was like none other. I'd kissed a couple of girls before. Never thought much of them. I can't even remember those girls' names, much less their faces. But I knew… Shizuo was special. Shizuo had something about him, like he had done this countless times. Like those women who swoon over him could see straight through his furious strength, down to the trait of a subtle sex icon that ran in the Heiwajima bloodline. And yet… this was my Shizu-chan, who was a force to be reckoned with, a danger to pedestrians of all breeds. And amongst it all, despite his violent awkwardness, he had always been polite towards women; never the type to take one home for a one-night-stand. So as fitting as it seemed, it was nothing of the sort.

Where did his talent come from?

Nearly knocking down the door on the way in, I peeled back the doused shirt clinging to the smoothest skin, and bit down on his shoulder. Growling slightly, he sat me on the edge of the kitchen table. Retracting one arm, he moved his hand to the only warm place he'd find on me, and rubbed the pulsating heat gently. I gasped at his touch, unable to comprehend, or control, the fire lit within me. Even through my jeans it was almost more than I knew what to do with. Shizuo knew precisely where - and how - to explore.

My mind argued with my body, reminding it over and over that, as a whole, I needed to die. I still had business on a rooftop that needed to be seen through. My body, however, retaliated, practically giving my mind the good old "fuck you" response as I continued to react to the heavenly sensation that was Shizuo's hand slithering down the front of my pants. Meanwhile, the other hand had its fun by sneaking up the back of my shirt and raking its way down my spine. It hurt in all of the best ways. Shizuo caught the pleasurable gasp with his mouth. I chose to return the favor by reaching my own hand to cup the bulge growing desperately in his pants. He grunted his approval. His dominance melted me.

Relinquishing power is not something I would normally have done. Yet, with his hands on me, it was all I could do to give myself up to him in anyway he so desired.

"I want you," he hissed in my ear, pushing himself closer to me so that my hand pressed into him harder.

I shuddered at his words, nearly stopping from a mix of lust and surprise. Want? Me? Who would? Who could? I was unworthy of desire, even while caught up in sexual advances I could see that.

Reaching into my coat's pocket, I grasped my blade. A puzzled look scribbled across Shizuo's face as I flipped it open. The last time I held a knife so close to his skin I made him bleed. This time, I was using it for other motives. Pulling him another few inches closer by the belt loops of his pants, I slid the blade under the black leather strip of his belt, slicing through it before tearing it from his waist. Eager to take things farther, I used my knife once more to cut off the button of his slacks.

Shizuo, no longer confused, smiled, pinning my wrist to the table until the blade fell out of my hand. He still didn't trust me. I wouldn't dare to blame him.

"Take me," I begged, my voice trembling from a concoction of being cold and teary.

"With pleasure."

Seductively smiling, Shizuo found no struggle in removing my coat or yanking off my shirt, despite it's resilience to stay stuck to skin. Taking me back into his arms, Shizuo carried us to his bed, where he stripped me of my remaining attire before gently shoving me onto my back. Now fully exposed to him for the second time, I searched his eyes with mine, making sure he knew that I was entirely his to play with; that I'd sell myself to him if need be.

Hovering carefully over me, Shizuo trailed kisses up and down my neck, from ear to collar bone, evicting small moans from my throat. Clawing at his back with my fingernails, I begged for more until neither of us could hold out much longer. My hand rubbing his junk was much more unsatisfying than the things he could be doing to us both. Pulling away from me, Shizuo finished escaping the confines of his pants.

A clandestine grin worked its way over his lips. Examining me with eyes that glinted lustfully in the dark, Shizuo put a hand up to my mouth. Instinct took over as I coated the palm of his hand and each fingertip in my own saliva. He then unmercifully used that hand, guiding his full, hard length up my ass. I let out a drawn out moan, equal parts splendor, and equal parts agonizing pain. I couldn't decide which I was enjoying more. Never in my life had I had something like this working its way in and out of me, especially not something so powerful as he filled me completely.

"Ngh…! Oh…" I moaned, curling into him as he buried himself in me as far as he could go.

Tossing my head back, I gave him an opening to ravage my neck almost as well as he was ravaging my ass. Sucking on the most tender spot he could find, he released one of my wrists and began to tug at my own throbbing piece as he thrust in and out. Being inside of me was enough. Now, he was just spoiling me; creating one of the most prodigious feelings my body had ever given into.

"Fuck! Shizu-chan!" I gasped in acknowledgement to the added touch. Closing my eyes only seemed to multiply the pleasure. "Don't…"

"Don't?" he breathed. I couldn't see his face clearly, though I could practically hear the smile in his strong voice.

"Don't fucking stop… Nggghh!"

And I heard him chuckle proudly. "Tell me what you want?"

"Nee!" I could only seem to emit sound effects.

"Tell me, Izaya," he cooed.

"Sh-Shizu…"

"Tell me what you want," he commanded this time.

"HARDER!"

Doing as told, I immediately felt myself on the fence separating this magnificence from complete obliteration. My senses went weak. I opened my eyes, barely able to see his face, sweat dripping from his shaggy hair, as my vision became spotty. I could only be conscious of his dick in my ass, his hand wrapped around my length, working at it with ease, and his tongue stealing a taste of every inch of me it could reach. Burying my fingers in his messy hair, I held out, leeching every bit of pleasure I could swallow until I was ready to explode.

The thunder crashed outside. Lightning illuminated the room. The rain returned with a vengeance, beating on the windows, and Shizuo finished me off.

"Ah… Ngh… Sh-Shizuo. Shizu-chan… Ohh!" I cried out.

Taking me by the hips, Shizuo moaned a bit of his own as he plowed into me as hard as he could several more times before crumbling on his own, being sure to entirely ring me out before pulling out. Together, we drowned in our own annihilation; heads spinning and skin laced with thin layers of sweat. He collapsed beside me, breathing heavily. I swear we never had a chase that left us so breathless.

Blown away, I could hardly feel a thing, just my skin tingling from head to toe. I couldn't even say that the pain existed anymore. Whatever remained was merely an additive to this drug we call lust.

Rolling onto my side, I clutched the black sheets in my quivering hands, barely able to hold on. I was so weak, and now… now I was useless… paralyzed somewhere between wanton exhaustion and a miserable mental illness. Rolling over to face me, Shizuo brought his arms around my waist, pulling me into his hot chest. In the darkness, we lay in silence - not a word was spoken as the rain tapped at the window, desperate for a peek at our darkest secrets.

To think I had nearly given myself up before I could be so miraculously taken…

Never in my life did I allow myself to be taken over until that night. Never before would I stand to give up my power; to surrender to the will of another, let alone one so strong. I'd always thought it best to set higher standards for myself than that… at least until my world fell off of its already crooked axis. Briefly, I wondered what it was, exactly, that lead to this improper adventure before I decided that it couldn't matter. I just didn't want to ruin this… this one pleasure life had given me. The first time in months that I had an excuse to smile… to not be devoured by misery, but rather bliss.

God damn my depravity. God damn my existence.

Unaware of the confusion that was to come, I fell asleep, safely trapped between Ikebukuro's strongest arms. For the first time in months, I felt genuinely shrouded in safety. Genuinely free to live without expectations. Genuinely… free…

* * *

><p><em>Oh here where we lie, outstretched to wonder why we don't belong.<em>

_You deserve much more, and I'll give until I'm all gone._

_Forever know your face and ever take your place here by my side, _

_Like a ghost into night, _

_The poisoned apple to my bite._

_I'll be the shadow at your door, _

_I'll be the moth into your light, _

_Cause you deserve much more._

_Yeah, you deserve much more._


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note:** Hi! I'm back from Pennsylvania. UUUUGH. And I have to get ready for work in a few minutes, so I'll make this relatively quick (for me anyway). I'm sorry for the lacking updates. I really didn't get much time while I was gone. And I'm already easily distracted.

Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading this story. For those that have read it before, the same to you. Even the feedback left by those who have read it before makes me all giddy. This was my first long fic. I'm so happy that you're still enjoying it after all this time!

Also, my dear troll!anon, I know you're reading this. You're so boring. PLEASE come up with something more entertaining. I mean, it's bad enough that you think you're so cool for hiding yourself the way you do. Please. I'm begging. You're just repeating yourself with the same old BORING nonsense. And that isn't fun for me anymore. I'm sure it would be infinitely more fun for us both if you came up with new material because we both know you're petty remarks aren't going to stop me from updating. Why don't you look for actual FLAWS in my story lines? Pick on those some. Bad mouth my descriptions. SOMETHING. Because really, I'm so bored. :(

Thank you~

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><p><em>The world was on fire. Everything burned brilliant shades of reds… oranges… yellows. Everything burned. I sat at a desk, a pen in hand, with a single sheet of paper laid out before me. While the surrounding flames engulfed me, I sat in the center of it all. I could not leave. An unknown force kept me stuck to my seat.<em>

_Each time the proper words came to mind, I pressed the pen to the paper only to find myself drawing depictions of death and suffering with thick red ink. I couldn't form words. My hand had forgotten the path to expressing my thoughts… in Japanese… English… Russian. I couldn't write, like I had never even known how. These inked sketches were my language. My language was written in blood._

_Horrified by the gore which covered my single white sheet, I crumpled it into a pathetic ball, turned, and threw it into the flames. Yet each time this happened, I would turn around to find that the sheet had returned to me, completely blank. So I tried again and again… and again. The results were always the same._

_As I scribbled the self portrait of my chest cut open and my organs hacked into soup, the same words escaped my mouth as if on repeat. I couldn't force myself to shut up. "Better off dead," I muttered, when I was really trying to scream for help… scream for Shizuo to come to my rescue once again._

_Everything burned._

Waking up with a jolt, I rubbed my eyes, shuddering slightly as the sweat caught in my hairline began to chill, sending uncomfortable tickles down my neck and spine. I sat up, taking a hazy glance around the room. My eyes felt swollen, undoubtedly half closed from my crying. My head was an absolute disaster. All I could do was stare hopelessly at Shizuo for a few moments, tracing my thoughts back to our night. Immediately, I realized the mistake we had made was not a part of my dreams. The rooftop… the kiss… the sex… It was real. All of it. And judging by the faint smile tugging at his lips as he slept, Shizuo enjoyed it… while I could only see it as a mistake…

I had to get out.

Carefully sneaking out of bed, I picked up various articles of clothing, being sure to hurry before his alarm clock lifted him out of whatever dream world he had drifted into. Slipping out into the front section of the apartment, I grabbed my knife from the table and decided to leave my coat behind as it was still lying in a wet lump from the rain.

After pulling on my shoes, I briefly contemplated grabbing my cell phone before I settled on the knife being more than enough. I took off out the front door with five minutes to spare before the clock struck seven.

Walking the streets of Ikebukuro on a Saturday, I did my very best to keep my head down as not to attract unwanted attention. I needed the air; to clear my head so that I could think about what had happened. I never meant to find myself so tangled up in Heiwajima Shizuo. Shit. I never _wanted_ to. The fact that I had… What was I thinking? What was _he_ thinking? After all, wasn't Shizuo the one with a clear head? Shouldn't he have had the sense to be more gentle with me than to take advantage of the situation while I was in a state of panic? He stopped me from death when I was only a step away. Literally. A single step. And what did he do with his accomplishment?

_Tch_.

Disgusting.

What did he even want me for? What was it that made me such a perfect target for his sexual tension?

As I walked, I realized I was sore from the penetration, and tried my best not to limp from the pain. I couldn't decide if I felt used, or if the feelings were reciprocated. I couldn't even make out what those feelings were. All I knew was that I needed to get away; that I didn't want to see him until I had it all figured out. I felt like he had torn something out of me by making me give into his perfected dominance. He put me in a place I couldn't resist… And I was angry with him for it.

I mean, how could he? How could Shizu-chan, who was supposed to be _helping_ me, screw with my feelings that way? How could he force those damn feelings of his on me when he knew I was trying my hardest to keep my distance? How could he make me enjoy it all at a time when I was so desperate to leave all chance of happiness behind?

And how… how could _I_… how could I leave now? With his newfound affection rubbing off on me, there was no way I could finish myself off knowing that every time I'd try, there was a chance he'd take me into his arms and-

"Fuck this…" I mumbled, turning a corner to take an alleyway shortcut.

"Hey… isn't that-"

"Yeah. It is."

A pair of voices followed behind me. Keeping my head down, I continued forward, hoping not to be interrupted. With all of my enemies in this city, I couldn't afford to be seen. I hoped that Shizuo's shirt - oversized on my emaciated torso - and my missing trademark coat would be enough to throw off anyone who may have recognized me.

I was wrong.

Footsteps drew nearer. Paranoia sunk in. I quickened my pace; yet I couldn't lose them.

"Hey!" a voice teamed up with a hand meeting my shoulder.

Without hesitation, I grabbed the wrist of my attacker, spun us around, and slammed him into the wall, using my free hand to push my knife into his throat. I spent no time at all even questioning who he was or what he was after.

"Izaya-san!" the second voice gasped from behind me.

Two wide-eyed Raira students were frozen by the defensive wall I had built in a matter of seconds. Kida Masaomi breathed heavily, terrified beneath my blade, while Ryuugamine Mikado brought his hand up to my shoulder, sliding it down my arm until he wrapped his hand around mine, bringing the sharp steel away from his best friend's throat.

"Izaya-san, are you okay? You look unwell."

Realizing I had been holding my breath, I let it out. Using the wall as support, I felt my head spinning as I allowed my heart rate to slow down. "I'm sorry…" I shook my head, shaking off a portion of my paranoia. "I thought you were somebody else."

"Who else would we be?" Kida shot, clearly upset that I had nearly cut him.

"Masaomi…" Mikado cut in. "Don't be so harsh. It was an accident. Right, Izaya-san?"

"Don't defend him, Mikado!"

"But… remember what Simon said?"

"I don't care. He doesn't deserve your sympathy."

"What Simon said?" the words captured my attention. "What did he say?"

"I… I - I'm sorry," Mikado's ears turned an embarrassed shade of red while the rest of his face went a bit pale. "It's none of our business… but…"

"We know about your suicide problem," Kida abruptly completed his friend's sentence with a large dose of bitterness in his voice.

"You…" I couldn't bare to look at them. My eyes dropped to my feet as the familiar burn of tears played at my eyes. Biting my tongue, I was able to hold them back.

"F-Forgive me!" the Dollars leader stumbled over his words. "I know it's not my business! But you haven't been in Ikebukuro and-"

I raised my hand for him to stop speaking. "Does anybody else know?" I began to interrogate him.

"I don't know. Masaomi?"

"Tch," the former gang leader sneered. "I don't care enough about you to tell anyone."

"Do you know if Simon has told anyone?"

"No. How the hell would we know that?" he glared.

"What else do you know?" I asked quietly, ashamed for anybody to see me in this light.

"Well…" Mikado spoke, "Not a lot… We were at Russian Sushi… and Simon asked if we had seen you. We obviously hadn't. I asked if something was wrong. All he said was that he found you and a note."

I looked him in the eye. "Promise me something, Mikado-kun."

"Huh?" The kid took a step back, wary of what I may do to him if he did not oblige.

"Say nothing. Forget Simon ever told you anything, and don't tell anybody. Not a soul."

"Why?" Kida crossed his arms, requiring a valid reason why he shouldn't turn out of the alley and announce to Japan that Orihara Izaya was struggling with suicide. "What would you do if we did?"

"Tch…"

"Masaomi…" Mikado put his hand on his friend's shoulder. Kida responded by reaching up and lacing his fingers with the Dollars leader's. A gentle shade of pink lit up in Mikado's cheeks, evicting a loving smile from Kida's tense face. "Don't…"

Kida sighed, turning in a half circle to face Mikado. Running his fingertips down the boy's arm, he stopped at his hand, before gently taking it into his and pressing his cheek up against Mikado's. He whispered something inaudible from my range into his friend's ear. Pink cheeks fell into an even deeper shade of red. The yellow scarf smiled a Cheshire grin, while the Dollars creator stumbled over the proper words.

Were they…?

"We won't tell anyone," Mikado assured me, refocusing his attention, as it had been divided by the flirtatious scene laid out before my eyes. "But I couldn't tell you if Simon has told anyone else… You may want to ask him."

"Thanks…" I frowned, eyeing the close contact between the boys.

I turned to continue my walk through the streets, doing my best to shake the image of such affection out of my mind.

"Izaya-san!" I was stopped once more by Mikado.

"Hm?"

"If you need anything…"

"Yeah," I nodded, not bothering to turn back and look at him, "I know. Thank you, Mikado-kun."

With no idea where else to go, I figured it was best to make my way down the road to see Simon before the secret of my mental state was fully brought out into the open. Yet I couldn't remove the focus of my thoughts away from what I had just seen. And I couldn't stop comparing it to what my relationship with Shizuo had become.

While Ryuugamine Mikado was the same as ever, Kida Masoami had become jaded by my presence with valid reason. For all of the things I had done to screw with his world, animosity was the very least I would expect from him. He could have been much harder on me. I was surprised that he wasn't throwing out insults faster than I could take them because I certainly deserved worse. His attitude reminded me of Shizuo's. For all of the hell that I'd infected their lives with, they were still able to effectively decide when to put their negative feelings aside, even for their enemies.

I was happy for them both. Each time their eyes met there was an elated sparkle reflecting back and forth between them, like their stars had aligned. Love coated their atmosphere.

Was it wrong for me to envy it? Was it wrong that I _wanted_ it?

After all they had been through - after all I had put them through - it was actually quite astounding to see that their unbreakable bond had only become stronger. Had suicide not been at the top of my priorities, I wondered to myself if I ever would have given it a shot myself… maybe with Shizuo.

No.

_No, Izaya…_ I couldn't allow myself to think that way.

What had happened between myself and Shizuo was only a fluke. With so many mixed sentiments dancing on precariously before the eyes of death the urge for a lustful release escaped us both. There was nothing substantial or real about it…

So why…? Why was I hoping for more as I attempted to put more distance between us?

* * *

><p><em>Fate is an elegant, cold hearted whore.<em>

_She loves salting my wounds._

_Yes, she enjoys nothing more._

_I'll bleed confidence, from deep within my guts now._

_I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown._


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note:** Hi! So... Confession time: I'm proud of this update. Very proud? Why? Because while I didn't completely re-write this chapter, I fixed it up a lot compared to how it has been in the last 2 postings of this story. I always thought it was too short and I hated that. I think there's a lot of material that could have been added in a lot sooner and I hadn't thought to do it until now. Out of all the chapters, so far this one has been changed the most and I'm very happy about that. It's so much better now.

I hope you enjoy!

Thank you!

* * *

><p>"Oh! Izaya! You come here for sushi?" A large black Russian asked with a smile, waving to me as I approached.<p>

He couldn't have been oblivious. Not since he was the one who saved my life even though I had never asked to be rescued.

"_Cut the crap_." Immediately switching from my native tongue to his, I shot him a glare. His grin evaporated entirely. "_We need to talk_."

"_Of course_," the language trade was smoothly acknowledged while his dopey grin quickly evaporated as if never there.

Simon followed me inside where he and I quickly sat down in front of my old usual. To my malnourished stomach, the array of fatty tuna being used in different variations of "Russian" sushi was far less appealing than it once was. I was still barely eating. He could tell. "_You have always been thin_," he told me. "_But you look half the size you used to be_."

"_Heh… probably…_" I scoffed, poking at the freshly cut slices of fish.

"_How have you been holding up? Celty said you have been living with Shizuo. It was surprising at first… but-_"

"_If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about him right now_…" Picking up a piece of tuna, I chose to eat it before giving my stomach and my mind a chance to argue with each other over whether or not it was a good idea. "_You told the kids_…"

"_I did. I'm sorry_."

"_Why, Simon?_"

He sighed. "_Ryuugamine… I admit that even I was surprised. He was genuinely worried about you, but I suppose he is new enough to Ikebukuro that he has no reason to hold a grudge for your… ways_."

A pit formed in my stomach. I decided the first piece of tuna was enough. Anymore and I could see myself hanging over a toilet for the night. "_How much does he know?_"

I knew Mikado wasn't lying to me… however… I desperately needed the reassurance. After all, it had been the second time he had checked up on my security since moving in with my rival. I hadn't been out into the city, either. And I was keeping myself both out of the chat and Dollars. I wasn't dead yet. But that didn't mean I wasn't looking to disappear.

Sometimes, I felt like I was wearing a large sign which read, "Hello. I'm a mental case."

"_I told him that I found you blacked out in the alley with a note in your pocket_."

"_You didn't say anything about Celty or Shizuo?_"

Simon shook his head. "_It ceased to concern me when I saw you placed in safe hands - hands that I knew wouldn't let you repeat what you had attempted to do. There's no sense in gossiping about it. Besides, I have my own things that I am busy with_."

I took a deep breath, wondering what it was that made these people treat me so kindly after the wicked things I had done to inflict damage to their precious lives. When the opportunity for revenge revealed itself, each of them took the alternative route. They acted like I was innocent of all crimes… like I was a victim of a cruel beating, or something violent and out of my control.

"_Can I ask you another question?_"

"_I assumed you came here prepared with more than one_," Simon nodded, ready to accept whatever inquiry I gave.

"_Why did you save my life?_"

Rubbing the bridge of his nose as if summoning the answer from a magical source, Simon thought about what to say. Admittedly, it worried me for a moment. I couldn't tell if he was going to bullshit me, or if he was unsure himself. Both of us already knew that I'd never be able to figure out why either.

"_Back in Russia_…" he finally answered, "_I saw much death and participated in many things which I am not proud of. When I came to Japan I wanted a new life… away from disaster. Away from death and destruction. Even you deserve life, Orihara Izaya_."

"_I disagree_…"

"_Hmpf_," he folded his arms. "_In Russia, you wouldn't get a second chance. Only in Japan. In Ikebukuro. That's why I saved you. To give you something precious that so many young people thrive to give away elsewhere. Sometimes, second chances are the best antidote._"

Honestly… Simon's explanation made my heart sink. That life meant so much to him that he'd spare even mine… it riddled me with remorse. My frown deepened. "_Have you told anyone else?_"

"_There is only talk of your well-being with Shizuo and Celty_."

Slightly taken aback by these confessions, I leaned forward and asked for more. "_What do they say?_"

"_You worry them. Celty still thinks about the night I brought you to Shinra. She says it was more terrifying to see you that way than to see you when you're in good health._"

Not surprising. Part of what attracted me to keeping myself around the headless girl was that she was the one missing a vital piece of her being; yet, I was the one who freaked _her_ out. I briefly wondered what she would do if I handed back her head. Though, that idea was quickly eradicated by the understanding that it was not the right time to do so.

"_And Shizuo…?_"

"_Ah. So you do want to talk about him? Eh, Izaya-san?_"

"_Tch_…" I glowered, viciously stabbing a piece of tuna with a chopstick.

Simon raised a brow, eyeing the malicious behavior I showed to the helpless piece of raw meat. "_He believes in you_."

I had a feeling he'd say something of the sort. "_Why?_"

"_He says you've changed him; he would like to do the same for you_."

"_Why am I not surprised?_"

"_Do you remember what I told you? About how I think you needed him?_"

"_Assuming I do…_"

Simon's eyes narrowed. He was becoming slightly disturbed by my cynical comments, made evident by his body language as he squirmed, even in his stalwart stance. Like I would forget the time a pacifist gave me a worse black eye than any Shizuo had ever given me. "_I believe that he needs you, as well._"

"_Don't be illogical. Shizuo doesn't need me. If anything, I'm throwing his life into mass hysteria._"

"_Maybe… He hasn't given up, though… has he, Izaya?_"

My breath hitched at the facts laid out before me. Simon was right. Of course, I had thrown Shizuo into many situations where he wanted to give up; yet, despite it all, he prevailed, always pushing past my selfish resistance. He never seemed to take "no" for an answer… not from me. No matter what I put us through, he stayed as strong emotionally as he was physically… just as he had when we were living our lives at each other's throats. Just like the days when we would do anything to see the other suffer. Now that we were more than half way through this trial, I thought back to the rules I had set for him. Those three chances I gave him to hit me… he hadn't used one. He had barely even come close.

"_How does it make you feel?_" Simon snapped me out of my thoughts.

"_How does what make me feel?_"

"_That the man you tormented almost every day since beginning high school is the same man fighting his hardest to pull you out of this mess of yours?_"

My stomach twisted into a knot, demanding that I didn't honor that question with a response. I feared that it would only confirm the feelings I was running from. I wouldn't see what was so clear to everybody else. I wouldn't allow it. My eyes… my heart… my soul… they didn't need to fall victim to this madness. Allowing my mind to take the lead, I instead kept them protected. I had a final job to do. There was no time for hopes or dreams to stand in my way.

"I have to be on my way now," I said quietly, reverting back to _my_ native language and standing up from my seat at the table.

Simon gave me a curious stare, scanning me up and down with suspicious eyes. "You barely touch sushi."

"I'm sorry, Simon… I'm not feeling well."

"If you don't eat you feel worse. Shizuo said you starve yourself. Are you-"

"I'm not anorexic," I leered. "I eat when I'm hungry."

Like two elementary school kids holding a staring contest, Simon and I continued to stare back at one another. I felt like he was trying to read my most inner thoughts, while I used the fiercest glare I could muster to keep him out. I narrowed my eyes. "Can I trust you for a favor?" I asked, pensively wondering if I could really trust him with another secret.

"Huh?" I won the staring contest based off of his taken aback response to my question.

"You owe me this for telling Ryuugamine-kun."

"What is it?"

"Don't tell Shizu-chan you saw me here. I'm not planning on ending it tonight. So, in the case he comes looking, pretend you haven't seen me."

Simon sighed. "_Will you ever stop trying to hide yourself from the ones who want you?_"

A faint smile tugged at my lips while the pressure of lukewarm tears pushed at my tear ducts. I waited until I was back on the street before whispering softly to myself, "… No."

* * *

><p><em>Hate being that wall<em>

_That you hit when you feel like you gave it all_

_I keep taking the blame_

_When we both know that I'll never change_


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note:** Weh. Hi. Lol. I don't have a lot to say. But thank you for taking the time to read this! I'm kind of blown away by the number of hits each day when I update. I really am. I'm like, "Whoaaaaa." Because it's just like I'm uploading it for the first time. And that's pretty incredible. So thank you. :)

* * *

><p>Continuing on my quest for clarity, I lost track of time, not even taking notice to the thinning population as the usual Saturday night crowds began to move off of the streets. Not surprising since, glancing up to find myself on the edges of Ikebukuro, I was traveling into a small section of the city with a bad reputation. This place was home to the junkies, the alcoholics, and the mentally disturbed. How did my legs lead me here?<p>

Paranoia settled in as eyes shot daggers through my skin. In comparison to these people, I was in pretty good health, unable to tear my eyes away from a crack addict tweaking in an alley, or two young girls hiding beneath the hoods of their sweaters as they lit a fresh joint. Up ahead, a schizophrenic nervously paced back and forth, muttering to the voices in his head, cradling a bottle in his arms. Their eyes said I didn't fit in here. My sunken heart wished to argue.

I fit right in, like a pawn to a chess board.

I was no different. Maybe Shizuo's clean shirt on my back, or the missing dirt from my face, said otherwise. Maybe it was in the way I kept my head down… but I knew… I could feel it weighing heavy on my heart… I probably belonged. Even if I didn't, trying could be a quick skip to finally dying.

Any danger I could throw myself into in that part of town had to have been better - _easier_ - than processing the many thoughts and emotions butting heads in my brain. I felt like these emotional overloads were causing more of my problems than the suspicious eyes on this street.

Thinking back to seeing Mikado and Kida, I wondered what it took to get them to find that love of theirs. They didn't need to tell me anything. Their glee danced in their eyes. Their innocent love radiated in their cheeks. What was it… _How_ was it… Two boys whose lives had been thrown into a blender by my sadistic "playtime" came out strong enough to achieve love. Despite the conflict birthed between them, both students… both leaders… were the happiest I had ever seen anyone.

Could Shizuo and I have been that way…?

_No_.

I shook my head at the thought.

When I tore down Kida Masaomi and Ryuugamine Mikado they were best friends. So of course it's possible that the rough trials only pushed their blossoming love. Shizuo and I… we were different. He had no reason to like me, much less love me. Our actions were spur of the moment. Always quick impulses leading to the utmost regret… There was no love. I was void of love. Whatever this relationship of ours symbolized… whatever breed of relationship it was… had I been myself Shizuo would still hate me. It was only when I became harmless that he did, too.

So what if… What if I returned to the old Orihara Izaya? What then? How could Shizuo's feelings not revert back to the way they were when my world was light?

Shizuo could never love me… he could never _need_ me…

Simon had a lot to say; yet, at the end of our conversation, he had no idea what he was talking about.

My life was a disaster. I was an easy target. Nothing more.

"Hey!" a gruff voice snagged my attention.

I whipped my head around for my eyes to fall on a junkie, sitting amongst piles of garbage. I couldn't help but stare at him for a moment as he took a swig of booze before preparing his next fix.

"Hnn?" barely aware of my minor sound effect, I responded to the action.

"What?" he crinkled his brows. "You're sober and you look more fucked up than I do."

That bad? Ashamed of a lowlife looking straight through me, my eyes fell to my feet. Before now, I hadn't realized that my legs were trembling… Sore and exhausted from a long day on the streets. Tch. I wasn't used to walking anymore.

Trying to keep my cool, I glanced back at him with a false smirk. "Probably," I said.

"Bullshit that smile all you want, boy."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Need a fix?" he asked, holding out a freshly loaded syringe, needle, and all.

Panic filled my head for a few seconds. Temptation kicked it out. As if on autopilot, my left hand reached out, trembling noticeably. Was I really going to - NO. Snapping my arm back to my side, I stared at the man incredulously, more disappointed in myself than the offer. What would Shizuo do if -

I shook my head, somewhat eagerly. "No. Thank you, but I couldn't."

He let out a low chuckle. "Good. You're better off not ending up like this."

"I'm better off dead…" the thought accidentally slipped off my tongue.

"Maybe," he nodded, as fully unaware of my story as I was of his. "But it's not too late for you to turn around."

Taking the comment both literally and figuratively, I watched his eyes fade into his high as he plunged the needle into his arm and shot up on the liquid drug. Like that, he was gone into a better world.

I turned away, leaving the rundown street as quickly as I could. From there, I didn't stop walking until I came across an empty park. The area wasn't much better than the last, but it was empty… quiet… still…

With my legs screaming for a break from my misadventure, I took a seat on an old, creaky swing to continue working with my thoughts. However this ordeal turned out, I knew I never wanted to become the drug addict buried in garbage. In fact, even if I decided not to pull through with my suicide mission, I swore that I'd put a bullet through my brain, or a noose around my neck, before I ever let myself become… _that_… Not that my decisions were much better…

Who was the one who overdosed on pills and alcohol? Who was the one who tried to jump off of a fifteen story building? Who was the one starving himself? Who was the one… the one who got so intertwined in a stupid thing called "the moment" that he slept with his mortal enemy?

_Oh, wait. That was me._

Staring up at the full moon, I allowed the slow burn of tears to coat my eyes with their remorse, wondering if it would be the last full moon I'd ever see. At the rate I was traveling, I'd be dead before suicide was even an option. I'd die of my own broken will first.

Damn it… Why couldn't I just get it over with? What kept me tied to this world despite my disdain?

As I watched a motionless sky, I failed to realize velvety black shadows filling the park with their gentle touch, until the glow of the moon glinted against an out of place yellow helmet. I jolted slightly at the sight of the Black Rider standing in front of me. Her body language was an open book to her nervousness as she approached. Glancing past several yards behind her, I discovered Shizuo standing awkwardly beside the road, avoiding eye contact as he put out a half-smoked cigarette in the palm of his hand.

Whipping out her PDA, Celty typed a message, shoving the screen in my face before I could greet them.

[_We've been looking everywhere for you. All day. We thought something horrible happened!_]

Frowning, I turned my gaze in the opposite direction. What was there to be said?

A sharp sting swept across my cheek. Jumping slightly at the surprising contact, I shot her a glare. To which she replied with another message typed on her screen.

[_Where have you been?_]

"Ah…" I scratched the back of my head. "Where haven't I been?"

[_Not funny_.]

"I'm not being funny," I shot.

Celty's shoulders dropped. [_It was terrifying… Shizuo thought you were dead_.]

I shook my head. "No… Thought about it…" And I made a stupid decision to take a more honest approach to the conversation. "Considered shooting up, too."

Sliding her PDA back into her shadow, the headless woman grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. I interpreted the action as her way of trying to knock some sense into me without doing any… knocking. Plucking her hands from my shoulders, I took them in mine, holding them gently between my fingers. Without looking up, I heaved a sigh.

For a moment, we stayed in awkward silence; Shizuo quietly observing by the sidewalk. What was there to say to her? So many times I had handed her money for cruel jobs that weren't worth her time. I frightened her with my evil plotting. I used her… and worst of all… I had stolen her most important piece. So when she slid her hands out of mine and jumped into wrapping her arms around me, pulling me close into her torso, there was no helping my tiny gasp.

Frozen by sheer surprise, I didn't see Shizuo leave his spot on the cement to come sit beside me in an open swing.

Releasing me from her ever-loving arms, Celty had another go at her PDA.

[_I think I'll leave from here. You two have much to talk about on your own._]

She summoned a black blanket from her shadow and draped it around my shoulders before walking back to her bike. She disappeared into the night with the disguised horse shrieking its unique sound as they went. Shizuo and I waited until she was long out of sight and sound before turning our attention on each other. Awkward tension loomed in the late night air, bringing an unnatural chill to hover amongst us. I watched Shizuo rock back and forth in his swing, staring at his feet. He was trapped in deep thought once again. I hoped he wasn't waiting for me to interrupt him. For I wasn't sure where to begin.

"I had a feeling you'd be gone…" he kicked off the conversation so that I wouldn't have to.

"Why's that?" I briefly glanced in his direction.

"Because the idea of it being a reality scares the crap out of you."

"…"

"I get that it isn't easy, Izaya… but…"

"What?"

"Have you… ever taken into consideration that taking the hard road is probably more rewarding than taking the exit?"

"Wouldn't know," I chose the cynical road. "I don't have car."

Shizuo emitted a low growl. "Izaya… I'm serious."

Holding the blanket tightly around my shoulders I could see this being a very long, open, _honest_, dreadful conversation. He was putting his foot down for the last time.

* * *

><p><em>This time, don't need another perfect lie<em>

_Don't care if critics ever jump in line_

_I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

_All my secrets away, all my secrets away_


	15. Chapter 15

**Authors Note**: Hey! Long chapter ahead here! But I figured I'd post anyway because it was gonna happen eventually.

Whoaaa. Here I am, waking up the morning after getting decently wasted and wondering how I was able to type a coherent author's note. FORTUNATELY, it didn't get posted because... Wow. Haha. I was about to post his chapter completely unedited along with some pretty tacky explanation to my drunkenness. I'm so glad I've saved you from that!

Thank you so much for reading this story and for your feedback.

I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. I really did love working with this particular scene.

Thank you!

* * *

><p>"Because the idea of it being a reality scares the crap out of you."<p>

"…"

"I get that it isn't easy, Izaya… but…"

"What?"

"Have you… ever taken into consideration that taking the hard road is probably more rewarding than taking the nearest exit?"

"Wouldn't know," I chose the cynical road. "I don't have a car."

Shizuo emitted a low growl. "Izaya… I'm serious."

"Of course you are. We're in a very serious mess, here. Aren't we?" I quietly reminded him, plucking at a loose thread along the hem of my jeans.

"Regrettably…"

"I never asked you to be my hero…" I told him.

His frown deepened. "I never wanted to be one."

"Then why are you so bent on saving me?"

Shizuo took a moment to answer. I could tell by his expression that he needed time to analyze the question. "I hated you… For the longest time I hated you… but I could never understand why."

"The feeling was mutual."

"Apparently, it still _is_…"

"Shizu-chan…"

"I hoped you wouldn't take off that way," he sighed. "I knew you would… but I still hoped…"

Closing my eyes, I half prayed that I would reopen them to find myself alone; to discover that I had a serious mental illness and that I had been alone this entire time… or that, in reality, I never actually said no to the junkie's gracious offer. Having to explain myself to Shizuo was about as easy as fitting a whale in a glass jar. I walked out partially to answer the questions that I knew would be on his mind… though, in all of my walking, I never figured out the answer.

"It just doesn't make any sense," I grumbled, digging my fingers into my hair, as if pulling on it would uproot the answers. "What are we doing?"

"We're changing..."

I shook my head, rejecting the idea. "No. No, you don't understand, Shizu-chan. I don't change. I _won't_ change."

"But you are! Can't you see it?"

"No!"

"Look... Izaya... I know it's hard, but-"

"Don't. Please don't do this. Please stop getting in my head," I shot, desperate to tune him out, yet failing as miserably as ever before.

"Getting in your- Izaya. What are you talking about?"

"Just _stop_ it..." I pleaded with him. Our conversation did not appear to be going anywhere. My heart was beating out of my chest in tune with the spinning of my head. It was like that one obnoxious song on the radio. The one you don't want to hear because it's way too overplayed and you never liked it to begin with, but no matter what station you switch to, there it is again. And when your'e finally so fed up that you turn the music off, it's stuck in your head.

Shizuo released a drawn out sigh, lighting a fresh cigarette. "It doesn't need to be like this," he gently said. "Life doesn't need to be this way. We can fix it."

"You can't fix _life_, Shizuo. You certainly can't fix me," I persisted to deny him.

"You _don't_ know that. You _don't_ have to die."

"Tch. As far as I'm concerned, I'm already dead. There's no soul left in me. Just an empty shell."

"Well that, I know, is definitely false."

"And what makes you so sure of that?" I hissed, narrowing my eyes. I almost imagined shooting lasers out of them towards his brain.

"It's dormant. Not dead."

Dormant? What the hell kind of- Whatever.

"Every time I'm ready to end it all, you show up on your white horse and stop me. Why?" I asked, telling him with my eyes that I needed as straightforward of an answer as I knew he could provide.

His response was so calm, like a quiet afternoon tide rolling to the shore... simply doing what its meant to by the laws of nature. "Because it's the right thing to do."

But we both knew there was much more to it than that. Another stream of silence interrupted the conversation as our eyes collided. I felt a surge of electricity strike my veins as they became perfectly aligned. Not that I wanted to, but I knew this look. I knew it well... from the last several unseemly events we had thrown ourselves into.

Quickly breaking the contact at the very thought of being sucked into him again, I brought my eyes back to the moon, who was attempting to hide behind broken slivers of cloud. That big round sphere looked so peaceful in the midnight sky. I almost wondered if she had a mind of her own, and if she ever grew tired of being controlled by the gravitational pull of the earth, despite her power of the seas. Was it as tedious a task as being me? I didn't know… didn't care to find out. I was willing to think about anything that would distract from this conversation. Anything.

"It isn't the right thing to do to save somebody who will never deserve it. Ne?" I whispered, almost too focused on the sky to realize what I was saying. But Shizuo and I both knew they were just my same old words on repeat.

"But you do," he used his best convincing voice... not every convincingly.

"You can't decide that for me."

"Izaya," he turned in the swing, catching my eyes yet again. I couldn't break the gaze this time. I felt glued to them. Those steel-colored orbs were hypnotically swirling. I couldn't look away. "You say you wanna die to atone. You say you wanna die because you're undeserving of love. Right?"

"Correct..."

"I think you've atoned enough through your suffering. I also think you're more desperate for love than death, but the challenge terrifies you."

"So you've said..."

"But I'm _sure_ of it. And now you're being offered the thing you want most. So why are you trying so damn hard to run away?"

"I don't know what you're saying," I lied, feeling my stomach clench from the anxiety produced by such sentimental, honest words.

"Waking up at Shinra's you were given a chance to come stay with me, which you took… kind of begrudgingly. Right?"

"Right..."

"And where would you have ended up if you said no?"

I chose to hand him the response I thought he would want to hear. "Doped up on antidepressants in a rehab facility."

"Wrong. You'd play escape artist, break out, and finish the job you started."

"Oh..." I admit I was decently taken aback by such accuracy. How did he always do that?

The intensity in his gaze deepened. "But you picked me... even though neither of us expected it. Actually, I really hoped you'd say no. Things change, though. Don't they?"

"I suppose..."

"When you said yes... something just... y'know... clicked."

"Clicked?"

"Yeah," he nodded, his revelation fully sinking in as he confessed to it. "At first, I tried like hell to ignore it. I didn't wanna believe that those feelings could possibly be alive inside of me. I mean, tch... _those_ feelings? Towards a flea like you?" He half-smiled, looking a bit embarrassed if you ask me. "Blocking them out was the best I could do. Over and over, I'd remind myself of who you were before you fell into a deeper darkness than the one you'd always been in before. Yet the more I looked at you, the harder it became to retain the feelings I tried to erase... feelings that I haven't given to anyone. Don't get me wrong. You piss me off. You're frustrating as all hell, impossible really... but I look at you now... and the hate is gone..."

_Gone_? Gone, as in Shizuo's immortal loathing towards me, and all of the trouble I'd gotten him into, was gone? My eyes widened, revealing my disbelief. He couldn't be going there... he just couldn't.

"I think it'd be best if we ended this conversation," I told him, hoping for too much.

Shizuo got off the swing, taking a new place in front of me. He grabbed each chain, trapping me between his arms once again. I had no other choice but to listen to him. How did I always find myself so vulnerable? How did I always subconsciously set up my own traps?

"No," he shook his head, "I'm not letting you run from me anymore. Every time I try to tell you, you take off. No more, Izaya."

"I hardly think that taking advantage of me constitutes as-"

"Shut up," he growled between clenched teeth.

"..."

"I'm not fucking taking advantage of you, damn it!"

I shot him a deadly glare. "Then what is it that you're trying to do, Shizuo? Because all I'm picking up from it is unwarranted confusion!" And I began to spill more than intended. "You keep holding me down from getting everything I want! I _want_ to die. You know I do! But when you waltz in, treating me that way - saving me when I don't want to be saved - it confuses me! Until I started living with you I've always known what I wanted, even when it seems crazy to somebody else... even when I want-"

"Don't say it again," he cut me off. "Don't sit there, telling me that you don't wanna live anymore. You could say it a billion times. I won't believe you."

"Why not? _Why_ won't you believe me?"

"Izaya..."

"WHY?" I demanded an answer, just as afraid as he was to have it verbalized. However, something told me we needed this.

"Because I can see it in your eyes. Unpolished garnet can still become a sparkling gem."

"..."

"I believe you can bring back that same gleam you used to look at me with..."

"Back when we despised each other?"

He nodded. "You can be yourself again."

"Tch."

"I'm serious!"

"I know you are..."

"Izaya... I..."

And the next question popped out before I realized it was on my mind.

"Shizu-chan... are you trying to tell me that you love me?"

"Ngh!" he jolted in response to the question, and stuttered his way through the answer. "W-well I... Iz... I... uh... Yes."

Suddenly, I found myself more concerned by what would happen next than the confession itself. My guess is that I had always sort of known... All along, I knew I was running from him, because I didn't want to be sucked in. Yet, in all of that, I had never applied that four-letter word to my thoughts... had I? I just knew... despite my resistance. The knowledge had always been there.

"If knowing that I love you isn't another reason for thriving for one more day, I dunno what is. Isn't it what you wanted?"

Closing my eyes, I considered the situation we were thrown into. Shizuo loved me... but was there any guarantee that I could love him back? After all, I gave in to him every time... didn't I? Unfortunately, my own self-loathing outweighed my affection towards another living being.

And then I did something shitty. I smiled. Not an honest, warm, delusional grin that made everything that was cold and dead come back to warm, radiant life either. no. I could feel it. A cold, venomous smirk like the one I used to wear, only this one was packed with more cruelty than I really knew what to do with. And it was all reflected on myself. Not Shizuo. Because what had he _really_ done to deserve my torment? "Don't you find it funny that I want all of the things I can't seem to have? Six months ago, I would have taken it. No questions asked."

"Elaborate."

"Say I accept your feelings... say my mental state improved... things would be okay again, right?"

"That's the idea."

"It isn't quite that easy."

Shizuo crinkled his eyebrows.

"Even if I accept it, even if there could be something between us... I would eventually get better. The pain would dissipate. And you know what would happen?"

"Just give me a chance. You'd be happy. We'd be-"

"There wouldn't be a 'we,' Shizuo. Old habits die hard. I'd revert back to the person I was... the hated, manipulative parasite that scoured this city in search of sadistic nostalgia."

He pushed himself a bit closer. "No you won't."

"But I will. You will hate me. It would be fine at first, but slowly I'd go back to being that demon informant people loathe so much."

"I doubt that."

"And what makes you so sure? Do your research, Shizu-chan. You're so sure of everything all the time, but you never have anything to back it up."

"Call it instinct. But I don't think you're gonna go back to being the 'old' Izaya. You realized your mistakes, didn't you? You're not just gonna get better to go back. You'd only get sick again."

I leaned my head into his torso, sadomasochistic smile sliding from my face. "But what if I did…"

"Izaya…"

"I'm serious!"

Fuck the burn of tears. I thought I was a sadist, but those wet little… _fuck!_ I hated crying. Even more, I hated that he was seeing my cry. I was so pathetic. How could he possibly love me? Where was the logic?

Releasing a chain, Shizuo wrapped his arm around, placing a hand in my hair. "I know you're serious. And so am I… but come on. One of us has to have faith, right?"

"Heh… I'm scared…"

"Again… so am I…"

"We could fuck up, Shizu-chan…"

"We _will_ fuck up." he sighed. "We will fuck up a lot. That's just us. But y'know something?"

"Hnn?"

"I'd rather screw up with you than never find out. Even if it doesn't work… at least stick around long enough to heal."

I was having my doubts. All of these months feeling so low… I was completely drained of hope. I wasn't even sure how I felt about him, and now he was asking for this… "What if it's too late for me? What if I _can't_ heal?"

"I'm here to help you, but Izaya, you have to _let_ me help you… no more running away."

"I don't think I'm ready…"

"We'll take it slow. As slow as you want."

"What if we fail?"

"You'll just have to trust me…"

I looked up at him, wiping the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. I sniffed. "I do trust you… I don't trust myself… I don't know if I can do this."

Shizuo pulled back, offering me his hand. "There's only one way to find out."

Nervously, I reached out my hand, noticing immediately that it was shakier than when that addict offered me a hit… noticing that I was ten times more terrified to take this chance… _This_… this felt like jumping.

* * *

><p><em>He's in love with tragedy. <em>

_In love with tragedy._

_She was a wreck, but he loved her._

_She was a wreck, but so was he._


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note:** I am a fail updater. Bleh. I'm just so tired and feeling all weird about life lately. So I don't put any effort into anything. Haha.

Have an update! Thank youuuu~!

* * *

><p>Willing myself forward, I made the final decision that Shizuo may have been right, and I needed to man up just enough to trust his hand. The road ahead could not have been darker than the one I currently traveled on, but if I didn't go for it, I'd never know. Maybe there was hope for me. A flutter in my heart told me to find out.<p>

Trembling, my hand froze only centimeters away from taking Shizuo's offer. Eager, I put one foot in front of me, and forced myself the rest of the way there. With a firm, but gentle, grasp he wrapped his fingers around my hand, pulling me upright the rest of the way, but instead of following, I found myself distracted.

Cutting through me like the blade of my knife, pain sent my muscles into a screaming riot.

"Ngh!" I grimaced from the pain shooting up and down my limbs as my knees buckled from exhaustion.

Falling forward, I prepared for this agony to continue throughout the journey home. Though before I could catch myself, Shizuo heroically tightened his grip around my wrist as he motioned forward, catching me safely in his arms. Embarrassed, I hid my face in his chest. As weak as we both knew I was, I hated for him to see me that way… He had already saved me too many times. He had already seen me in pieces… _too_ _many_ times…

"Careful," he helped me steady my balance just enough to sit me back on the seat of the swing. "You've overdone it today."

"Yeah…" I agreed too easily for my tastes, lowering my gaze to avoid his eyes.

"You really gave me a scare today, y'know. I didn't think you'd do anything stupid… but…"

"I'm sorry…" I apologized. "I just needed to get out."

"You shouldn't have gone so far. You're not strong enough, Izaya," he breathed the reminder, clearly trying his best not to let exasperation get the best of him. I wasn't the only one who was tired. "I'm surprised you made it so far without getting hurt… or finding trouble."

"Heh…"

Shizuo let out somewhat of a strained sigh. Through it, I could fully sense all of his emotions. I could tell that he was disappointed by my decision to run off, like a one night stand, even if I planned to come back. I could feel his stress, his fear, his exhaustion. But fighting past it all, there was a strong sense of hope. He saw a future. He saw a light that I wasn't seeing.

I think it was that strange hope that encouraged me to take his outstretched hand. After all I had put him through I felt like I was finally returning some of the favor. This felt awkward. It felt real. It felt… _right_, like perhaps it was the first step of many.

The feeling of curiosity overwhelmed me for a moment, stealing my breath at the idea of giving all of this insanity a chance. As terrified as I was, I felt drawn to the opportunity, like a moth to a flame.

"I'd offer getting cab… but…" he trailed off.

"You forgot your wallet?" I guessed.

"How'd you know?"

"I did too."

"Damn it…"

"I'll be fine, Shizu-chan. Just wait with me for a few minutes."

"That's bull crap," he opted for retorting. There was a slight edge in his voice. "We'll be here all night. And it's gonna rain."

"It always rains," I stated the obvious.

"Hmpf. Well, how about we make it a point not to get caught in it?"

"I'm tired, Shizu…" I huffed, shivering when a twinge of pain rippled through my muscles. "I don't think I can make it right now."

"Then a few minutes won't help."

Fixing his eyes on me, Shizuo sunk into that usual look of deep thought. The sudden change in his expression threw me for a whirl. It certainly wasn't the most ideal time to lose himself to his own mind, when I was keeping us stuck in the city's shadiest park. Rain. No rain. Frankly, it didn't matter. Either way, if I couldn't get my legs to move soon, someone was likely to come along with unwanted company. And it wasn't a lack of protection that had me feeling paranoid. I knew that if anything went awry, Shizuo would be there in my defense. That incredible strength would shine through for the righteous deeds like it always seemed to.

What I wanted to avoid was the revelation of secrets. If anyone was going to show up for trouble, chances are they'd know my name. And I didn't want to drag Shizuo into my old life. My dealings with the gangs bothered him enough, which he had no qualms telling me ever since Shiki sicked his men on me. He was curious. Could I blame him? No. But I couldn't keep attempting to look him in they eye and explain those crooked dealings that I'd rather put behind me. Sitting in that swing, I honestly wondered if - or better yet, _when_ - I'd go back to them when - or better yet, _if_ - I held on to my life.

"Here…" he turned his back to me.

"Huh?"

Shizuo knelt down on one knee in front of the swing.

I furrowed my brow. "What are you doing?"

"Get on my back," it was more of a command than a request. "I'll carry you home."

Was it inappropriate to be so taken aback? "Huh! Shizu-chan!"

"Don't question it, Izaya," he turned his head just enough for me to see him frown. "Just do it."

"W-we couldn't!" I stumbled over excuses to reject his offer. "Somebody could see us!"

"It's like two in the morning!" he growled, "If anyone sees us it'll be Celty."

"But-"

"Izaya."

"I… I can walk. I'm fine."

"Izaya. You have to stop being so afraid of help."

"I'm not afraid!" One of these days, I'm going to Hell for my denial. "I can handle it."

"You can barely stand," he growled beneath clenched teeth, allowing his irritation to show. "You're just as weak as you were when-"

"Fine," I frowned. I couldn't have him finishing that remark. I didn't want that memory involved. It would be too much to handle those reminiscent emotions on top of these that currently played into our strange lives.

Giving up on resistance I coiled my arms around Shizuo's strong shoulders, feeling those muscles… that strength beneath my skin and a few layers of clothing. Looking at him without an inkling of who he was, you'd never imagine that there'd be so much power beneath Shizuo's skin. Even knowing him, I could still be surprised. He didn't have a body that you'd think would pack so much strength.

"You're a lot less frustrating if you just say yes," Shizuo huffed, pulling me from the seat of the swing, and wrapping his arms under my legs.

"Tch… I just don't feel comfortable with this…" I told him as he began to walk.

"Why not?"

"Because…" Why do I choose the most random times to be honest? "It makes me feel powerless."

"Powerless?"

"Like I've surrendered all control."

"I think you gave it up when you tried to kill yourself."

"Maybe…"

Why did I cling to him tighter? What was I thinking?

"You don't weigh anything… You're just skin and bones…"

"I guess so…"

"We're gonna have to fix this."

"Fix it? How?"

"I already told you, Flea. You're gonna get your strength back. I promise you that."

Without thinking about my actions, I buried my face in Shizuo's back, finding myself surprisingly comfortable with this situation… this thing that I tried to deny. He was so… warm… And I sort of missed that name… "Right…"

On the journey home I began to doze off, finding it more and more difficult to stay awake and to keep holding on to the brute. Face it. I was completely burnt out. For someone so violent… I thought it was incredible that he could be so… so much… like this… His steps were smooth and casual, like I really didn't weigh anything… like he could just tuck his hands in his pockets and pretend I wasn't even there. It was reassuring, like he was telling me that I could never be a burden to him, even though we both knew that I was.

Shizuo had always been a private person. I can't imagine how he must have felt surrendering all of that privacy to me… for me. Selfless acts of kindness, from such an easily enraged man. His life off of the streets was his one break away from his uncontrolled anger. Now that I thought about it, as I wandered half-way between dreams and reality, I hadn't once triggered that unique rage in over three weeks… Actually, months… three months… when I decided to live in the shadows of this city, rather than causing a scene.

Had we done this to each other?

The click of Shizuo opening the front door gently tugged me out of my half-sleep.

"Hnn…" I moaned, rubbing my eyes.

"We're home…" he whispered, walking us into the bedroom.

He laid me down on the bed, pulling off my shoes and dropping them on the floor. Rolling onto my back, I stared into his glowing eyes as they caught the reflection of the moonlight falling through the window. They looked like starlight, capturing us in one of those rare moments you can't record, relive, or describe. One of those moments that you just… _feel_…

Reaching for his hand, I closed my eyes, drawing in a quivering breath.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concern slightly contorting the glow in his eyes.

"W-will you stay with me?" I asked, mentally kicking myself. Since when did I want these things?

"Only if you promise to be here when I wake up."

Shamed by my own guilt, I swallowed the lump in my throat. Knowing that Shizuo wouldn't wait long for an answer, I quickly nodded before my conflicting thoughts could say no.

Sliding onto the bed, Shizuo wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me into his chest. I couldn't help the rush in my chest as I felt his heartbeat steadily thumping against my back, or his hot breath floating across my skin when he buried his face in my neck. I was finally beginning to accept his affection as truth. All it took was a hint of effort.

How could I deny him now? How could I run? When I pushed, he pushed back. When I ran, he followed. When I was falling, he caught me. When I was dying… he loved me…

* * *

><p><em>You'll never know what's around the bend.<em>

_Avoid the unknown._

_It's ringing in your head._

_She has a fear of love. _

_Accepting everything but what she really dreamed of._


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note:** Hey guys! Happy holidays! Merry Christmas! I don't think I've ever updated on Christmas or Christmas Eve before! Lol. I have a busy day ahead. A bit of shopping left to do and SO many gifts to wrap because I'm a lazyass. But I'll start my day off with this update for you and then get to that!

Merry Christmas!

And thank you for all of your feedback. So happy you've enjoyed this fic!

* * *

><p>"Come on," he smiled.<p>

A summery, ethereal glow lit up his skin in the sunlight as the wind whipped through his golden strands, taking the petals of Sakura blossoms with it. As they twirled around us, weightless and free, I felt a surge of warmth swelling within my chest. The light in his eyes radiated as we laced fingers.

Looking to the bright sky, a double rainbow formed an arch over this strange place, but it was all I could see. I raised a brow, attempting to take the joke, but my surroundings proved all too mesmerizing to focus on anything but him.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked, following barely a step behind him.

"Where do you wanna go?" he winked.

"Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo spun on his heel, pulling us closer together. "Where do you _want_ to be, Iza?"

New name…? O… okay. I could run with it.

"I want to be right here," I said, feeling my cheeks go a hot shade of pink. "Right here with you."

Placing his hands on my boney hips, Shizuo pulled me closer with a specific smile on his lips. It was promiscuous, but shy, like it was waiting for some sort of confirmation.

"Shizu-chan…" I muttered, closing my eyes for the full effect.

Assuming this was the confirmation, Shizuo brushed his velvety lips over mine, sending pleasant tingles shooting through my body while the perfect breeze made for a feeling much like walking on air. He pulled me in closer as I quickly fell into the moment. A gentle hand, equipped with long, boney fingers, played with the hem of my jeans until they found my button. Unlatching it, those steady fingers smoothly slid down my skin. I could not recall a time in my life that ever felt so…

So...

...

...

...

A ray of light disrupted the moment as it blanketed my eyelids. Giving in to the disturbance I unveiled my eyes slowly, giving time to adjust to the sudden change.

I awakened from my dream to a hand sliding down my stomach and the soft peacefulness of Shizuo's sleeping face. Somewhere, deep in his dreams, something glorious must have been happening as a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Studying the expression, I couldn't help but wonder if it was me he was seeing behind his smooth eyelids. And I wondered if his hands knew where they were traveling… or just how much my body enjoyed it as they traveled further and further south.

He was so multifaceted in his expressions and actions, wasn't he? One moment, he oozed violence, barely taking notice to bloodstained clothing while a rush of rage and adrenaline surged through every vein. The next, he had the most serene smile on his face as he glided through his dreams. I could have watched him sleep like that for hours, as another smooth hand motion brought him closer to gold. For me, there was no resisting how much he was turning me on, even in his sleep.

Shizuo's eyelids twitched. "Ngh…" he moaned softly, brushing his thumb over the patch of skin where his hand had stopped.

His eyebrows scrunched close together and his eyelids tightened. No doubt he was fighting to stay in his dream. Even oblivious to what images flashed through his unconscious mind, judging by his look, I wouldn't have wanted to wake up either. Curse the morning light for taking us away from ourselves. But could I really complain?

All thoughts of death seemed to have eradicated themselves from my current state of mind. While the heavy heart still remained, I observed a slowly waking Shizuo, ready to feel loved beyond all else. Maybe I would die after this month was over, but as long as I had him… maybe finding the way out wouldn't feel so lonely. Maybe knowing I was loved by somebody, even so close to the end… perhaps that was enough. Maybe it was all that my life needed to be complete.

My breath hitched as he released the tension in his eyelids. Nearly convinced that I had lead myself into a dream, I watched him slowly reveal those sleepy metallic eyes, coyly smiling as they came into focus. The heat in my cheeks shot to my ears. I could barely keep my eyes on him in my embarrassment.

"Hey…" he mumbled, his lips curling into a sleepy smile upon catching my awkward effort to hide my face in the pillows.

Slightly nervous to look back at his morning eyes I buried myself deeper in the sheets. He snickered lightly, reaching out and running his long fingers through my hair. Excited tingles shot through my spine. I couldn't help finding myself hopelessly gravitating closer to his touch.

"How long have you been watching me sleep?" he curiously asked.

"_Nee_?"

"Don't deny it, Izaya."

"Deny what?" I said into the pillow, carefully revealing one of my eyes to meet his.

His fingers continued to explore my hair. "How long?"

"A few minutes…" I'd finally given up as his ministrations made it irresistible to deny him.. "What were you dreaming about?"

"Huh?" his smile faded slightly. "Why do you ask?"

"You were smiling."

"Heh…" It was Shizuo's turn to turn pink in the cheeks. My turn to reach out, exploring his messy hair with my own fingertips. I wondered how it stayed so soft, despite the dye it took to become that golden color. It suited him well. "I dreamed that you were happy…"

"What a dream come true that would be," I sighed, breaking our eye contact.

"Give it time," he refused to lose hope, "And it will be…"

I felt my face fall. "I don't want to think about it right now."

"Then we won't."

Rolling onto my back, I stared at the ceiling, trying to keep myself from wondering if I could actually be happy like _this_… with him. Wondering if these moments would ever fade away, when it was their job to pin down my will to live. Shizuo… was my will to live. There was no hiding that anymore. If I couldn't learn to love him, I'd have to die without him.

As the morning sunlight ducked behind the thick clouds, the usual spring rain immediately began to tap gently at the windows, adding a soundtrack to my thoughts. I was curious. Did the sun only come out long enough to wake us? Because I didn't want to be awake. I wanted to dive back into the dream where Shizuo called me by a new name, hypnotizing me with magnetic eyes, while trapping me in bliss with his magic hands. Could such ecstasy ever exist in real life?

"Let's stay here today," he whispered in my ear. "We won't have to think about anything."

Close enough.

Pulling me close, I could not recall a time when somebody had treated me with affection quite like this. I had never been romantically tied to another human, as I was much too involved with loving them as a species, instead of individuals. Not since high school had I really taken any sort of curiosity in this breed of love.

I could have stayed this way forever.

"Shizu-chan…"

"I can't get over how delicate you are," he told me, attempting to smooth down my hair.

"You keep saying things that don't make sense…"

He shifted. "I'm sorry… I… You didn't always feel this way… not since…" He trailed off, slipping into a memory.

"Since when?"

"Since we were fifteen."

"Fifteen? What happened when we were fifteen?" I asked, scrunching my nose.

"You don't remember?"

"No," I shook my head. "You have to tell me."

"The first time I caught you. The first time I had you pinned. We were fifteen. Barely starting high school. We hated each other so much…"

"We hated each other up until a few weeks ago," I reminded him. "Up until I…"

"Shh," he cut me off. "You don't have to say it."

"Then tell me more," I requested, closing my eyes to chase away the images of two different bottles in each hand.

Running his fingers down my arm, he inhaled. "We were in school for all of two weeks before you had all of the wrong people twisted to your will. And I was already fed up with you. When you told the upperclassmen I was stealing your lunch money, when in truth I was stealing _my_ money back from you, I hunted you down as soon as I was done fighting them off."

"Ah…" the memory flooded back to me. "You trapped me on the rooftop, between you and the chain link fence. You said you'd kill me someday, and I laughed. So, with an epic head-butt, you knocked me out, taking back the five-hundred yen I had stolen from you that day. I woke up in the nurse's office… she told me…"

"Yeah. I carried you there."

"Why… if you hated me?" I queried.

"Because I just wanted my money back," he grumbled.

"You're soft, Shizu-chan."

"I'm human… even when I don't feel like I am…"

"No… Humans are easily manipulated… and selfish… and cruel."

"Is that why you love them?"

"It's why I hated you."

"Hmm…" he unraveled his arm from around my waist, rolling onto his back. I clung to him still. "Now that you mention it… I dunno why I ever hated you."

"Because I put you through Hell every moment that I could."

Shizuo shook his head. "No. That's not it."

"How can that not be it?" I was now curious to unveil this mystery.

Shizuo had other plans. Rolling out of bed… but more importantly, _away_ from me… he adjusted the sweatpants he had changed into at some point before falling asleep, and lit a cigarette.

Sitting up, I asked, "Where are you going?" hating how cold I already felt without him.

"To make some tea before we finish this conversation."

"Eh?" I stared at him quizzically, motioning to follow him into the kitchen.

"Don't look so hurt, flea. I'll be right back. Just stay put."

"But I want to finish this conversation!"

"We will," he grinned, the light of his smile reaching his trustworthy eyes. "Oolong or lemon?"

"Oolong tastes like peanuts," I scoffed.

"Lemon it is."

Leaning over me with a soft smile, he planted a swift, unexpected kiss on my forehead before striding out of the room. My cheeks were going to be permanently stained a deep shade of pink by the end of the day.

I waited for Shizuo to come back, finding my legs too sore from the previous day's excursion to get out of bed. I also wondered when I lost my pants…

"Hmpf…" I frowned, falling backwards into the pillows.

The sheets, black like Celty's shadows, were just as cold without him by my side. Five minutes was feeling more like five hours.

Rolling over, I grabbed onto his pillow, pulling it to me. Without thinking, I slipped into my own imagination, half imagining that it actually _was_ Shizuo. A familiar aroma took hold of my attention, making me curious. It was new to my senses, gently pulling me closer to the soft sack of feathers. Until that moment, Shizuo had always smelled like a blend of all natural tobacco and a light coating of cologne. After a long day on the streets, these were often joined by the faint bar smell. I realized that these are scents usually acquired from the events in a person's day. But this new spectacle flooding my nostrils… a blend of oranges, ginger, and… spring. You know when the flowers are beginning to blossom, and the grass starts to turn green again? And after it rains the sun soaks in to the freshness of the new season? That was Shizuo. Masked by the cigarettes was a fresh calm all its own… more than fitting as it expressed the person he really was beneath his street rage… the person I was waking up to.

I couldn't hold back from burying my face in his pillow, drawing in the rare aroma.

"_Izaya_…" I heard his voice echo in my fantasies.

"Nee! Shizu-chan!"

"Izaya? What are you doing?"

"Hnn?" I jolted, quickly releasing the pillow from my grasp.

Wide-eyed and guilty, I stared back into Shizuo's eyes, feeling another rush of heat burn my cheeks.

"N-nothing!" I stuttered through an explanation, wondering how much he had seen.

With a curious eyebrow raised, and the matching smirk on his lips, Shizuo handed me the steaming cup of tea. Brushing off the awkwardness, he stole a final drag from his cigarette before dumping the butt in the ashtray on the bedside table.

"Were you just _sniffing_ my pillow?" he lightly interrogated me on my actions.

"N…no!" I lied.

"Whatever," he shrugged, rejoining me on the bed. "Now… where were we?"

Warmth expanded in my chest, making it impossible to fight against the smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. As I watched him watching me, a misplaced sense of fear shrouded my thoughts, opening a window which allowed countless questions to come flooding through. Was this smile real? Did I want to find myself here… like this… with him? Could Shizuo have been the answer to my problems? The guiding light in my life? Was this right? Did this fit? Could this work?

Taking a sip of the lemon tea, I did my best to conceal the terrifying questions lurking behind my eyes… questions that couldn't go unanswered forever. Every moment spent with him pulled me closer to making a final decision.

Love or death?

Spending the rest of the day in bed, Shizuo and I bounced stories off of each other in an attempt to figure out what bred our original malice towards one another.

For one day, at least, I didn't have to decide. I didn't need to think. I just had… to _be_…

* * *

><p><em>Don't give up on us quite yet.<em>

_I know right now it hurts_

_But don't believe the part of you that says_

_It just won't work._


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note:** Whoa! Hi! Did everyone have a good Christmas? Or if not Christmas, just a good past couple of days? Or whatever. I'm not gonna be politically correct. Too tired. It's 4AM.

Anyway! Thank you so much for reading and ALL of the reviews. Thank you! Thank you for spending your time on this story. Each view and hit counts. Thanks! :D

Happy New Year! Though, I'm sure I'll see you before then!

* * *

><p>"I forgot that you work today..."<p>

"Yeah. Three days off makes you lose track."

"Hm. Indeed."

Shizuo frowned. "Are you gonna be okay here by yourself?"

"You're trusting me alone?" I queried.

He shrugged. "More or less."

"Huh... I was actually thinking about going out today..." I said in a lowered voice, poking the fried egg in front of me with my index finger.

"Oh?"

"You think it's a good idea?"

"I do," he nodded.

"I'm going to try, Shizu-chan... for you."

"You should be trying for you, though."

"Maybe."

"Just take your cell phone, okay?" His eyes fell on the prodding of the egg. "... Stop poking that thing and eat it!"

"I'm not hungry," I huffed.

"What's wrong?"

I should have expected him to figure out that something was off, because the day before was beautiful... and terrifying... and I couldn't stop smiling. But today... today was different. Today, I wanted to leave, not because I needed fresh air or wanted to get my physical strength back by exploring the city... no. Because today, I feared being left alone with my own thoughts... always tempting me; pushing me to make stupid decisions that were much harder to make when there wasn't too much physical distance between myself and Shizuo.

Instead of running away from him, I needed to run away from me.

"Nothing... this egg just looks gross."

"You should eat if you plan on going out. Keep your energy up."

"Yeah... no..."

"Izaya… Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No," I shook my head, lying more easily than I thought I would.

"You'd tell me if there was… yeah?"

"Yeah… yes. I would."

Giving up on the egg becoming any more appetizing… especially after mutilating with my finger… I watched Shizuo tuck his usual effects in his pockets. Wallet. Cell phone. Cigarettes. Lighter. A quick adjustment of the tie. And lets not forget those blue sunglasses sliding over metallic eyes.

"So I'll see you on the streets?" he wondered, heading for the door with hesitation.

I answered with a short nod.

"Just… be careful. I don't want to see you mixed up in gangs anymore."

"I'll do my best to avoid them."

"What about those guys from before?"

I had barely thought about my misadventure with those gophers since the first time Shizuo and I introduced lips… which I tried not to remember happened on the day of said misadventure. "What about them?"

"What if they come after you?"

"Heh," I shook my head. "Next time I have any run-ins with Awakusu-kai, it'll be Shiki-san himself. Or the Yakuza. I'm not worried."

"The Yakuza?" he said, giving me a small taste of his rage.

"I'll avoid them!" I reiterated.

Animalistic dominance played in the tensing of his muscles and within his tone of voice. Shizuo was being protective… over me. Looking at him with curiosity, I couldn't tell if I liked it… or if I feared it.

"If they touch you again…" he tightened his fist and snarled, "I _will_ kill them."

Narrowing my eyes, I watched him open the door, ready to leave for the day. "I can't let you do that," I told him before he stepped out.

"Why not?" he stopped, a slightly startled look in his eye.

"Because if they do show, they're more likely to off you before you off them. And it hasn't been very long," I explained, placing my hand over the disappearing bruise on my torso. The pain was gone, but the discoloration, I knew, still remained. "I can sweet-talk my way past that bastard, Shiki, on my own if I have to. Besides. You're not a cold-blooded killer."

"Izaya…" he breathed a wary sigh.

"They won't come after me today."

"How do you know?"

"Call it instinct."

"Seventeen days ago I wouldn't have believed you… Now I don't know what to believe."

"A lot has changed… hasn't it, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo shrugged, an honest half smile fighting with his concern. He leaned up against the door frame, folding his arms. "Seventeen days ago I wouldn't have thought so."

"That's a yes…?"

And his smile filled out. "Yeah. If you want it to be."

I watched him, slightly mesmerized by his movements as he took a step backward. Feeling my cheeks rush with heat, I turned back to the mutilated egg in front of me, barely noticing the door click shut.

Seventeen days ago…

Thinking about it, the time didn't seem right. I was stuck in between feeling like I had just begun this month long trial… and that it was ending way too fast. More than half way finished left us just short of two weeks… Two weeks to change our stars… to realign them in our favor… to love him just enough to save myself.

"Huh?" a realization hit me as I processed these thoughts.

I sprung up from the table, and sprinted for the door. Poking my head out, I caught Shizuo just in time to stop him. "Shizu!" I called before he could disappear down the staircase.

"Can I not leave you alone for five minutes?" he teased, pulling down the blue shades to reveal his eyes. How did they always match the weather?

"Reason number seventeen?" I asked.

"Heh…" he shook his head, and continued his descent to the streets below.

Taken aback by his lacking response, I slammed the door, stomping back to the table to finish the stabbing of my egg. What was that even about? Why couldn't he just give me an answer? I mean it's not like -

_**BUZZZZZ!**_

The vibration of my cell phone snapped my attention away from the white and yellow mess on the table.

"Shizu-chan?" I read the name on the screen, opening the text message.

[_I'll tell you at lunch._]

"Tch…" I rolled my eyes at the small black font, deciding not to honor it with a response.

Slightly peeved, I abandoned the destroyed egg in the garbage. The longer I looked at it, the less of an apatite I had for food of any sort. The accompanying tea was plenty for my stomach. Besides, apparently, I was meeting the idiot for lunch somewhere.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, I stepped out onto the streets of Ikebukuro, feeling oddly refreshed having spent half that time in the shower. Pulling my fur-trimmed hood over my head, I tucked my hands in my pockets, being sure to keep them both close to my blade and cell phone. As I began my venture, I prayed to whatever powers may be that trouble didn't find me today.<p>

I didn't want to worry about the offerings of drug addicts in the bad areas. I didn't want to remember the existing gangs lurking behind every corner. Every piece of my past life, no matter how much force it used to break the temporary barriers, needed to be put behind me. Looking to the future was all I had.

The future… how mortifying…

Closing my eyes, I stole a moment to soak in the morning sun before organizing my thoughts. The warmth settled into my skin, as if charging me for the long walk ahead. See? I didn't need the egg.

As I explored my surroundings, I actually took the time to observe the people who I had been ignoring for so long. Often times, I found myself staring at them staring at me… some with fear, others with a raised brow. Humans were so different since the last time I had actually paid them any attention. Once again, I observed them with the utmost fascination, inquisitively adoring every movement from each individual I could focus on. Loving them as a whole for everything they did… wishing that they could understand this unconditional affection that I once devoted my life to.

Businessmen were the same as always, chatting away on their phones as they hurried off to their next meetings. Beautiful young women still flaunted their perfect bodies, matched with unique fashion, as they strode down the street doused in false confidence. Street vendors worked diligently, hoping to reel in good profit for the day. Police officers casually looked out for their fellow pedestrians, like the guard dogs of Ikebukuro. Even patches of blue bandanas and yellow rags would cross my line of sight here and there. Yellow Scarves and Blue Squares.

No matter who they were, no matter what I felt before, I eyeballed them with scrutinizing eyes in an attempt to dig up their darkest skeletons on the spot. And I realized, in all my observations, a feature which had never crossed my mind in the past. Most of them were just trying to live. Whether the quality of their individual lives mattered or not was beyond me. Because they were trying… trying to make their way through their own tribulations.

And what was I doing?

Leaning against a nearby wall, I watched several diverse crowds cross through each other.

This species, which I so loved, would never notice if I disappeared. For as far as any of these individuals were concerned, I meant nothing to them. Brief eye contact would only last moments before they moved on, surely forgetting that they had ever noticed me at all, by the time they reached their destinations.

I could die, and the object of my love would never notice.

I scoffed at the thought. "Tch."

It almost seemed ridiculous, didn't it? To give my heart to a species that wouldn't miss me when I was gone…

I felt low thinking about it.

I could vanish without a trace… they'd never see what was never there.

Shizuo… however… Shizuo saw _everything_. For what it was, and what it was not. Shizuo could put me in his arms and say the things that humanity and my own depravity couldn't.

* * *

><p><em>Break your neck for some substance.<em>

_This is temporary sanity._


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note:** Here's more shit for you anonymous cowards. I'm sorry that your driven to such mad jealousy that you have to leave markings of your hate in every place you choose to infect with your insidious presence.

If you really think you're going to stop me from updating because you decide to leave a hateful comment, I think you should really take this moment to rethink what it is, exactly, you're doing here. I guess your ignorant minds really do need a reminder that 1) you're adding to my views each time you come here, 2) you're adding to my reviews each time you say something stupid, and 3) int he long run, those numbers just look good on me.

So, at this point, I really do look forward to the shitty things you have to say because they _help_ me. The ONLY thing they're doing for you is proving your cowardice and making you look like an idiot for having nothing better to do in the first place.

Honestly, if this story were that bad - if my writing in general was _that_ bad - nobody would be reading it of their own volition. How do you not understand that?

* * *

><p>Treading through the lively Ikebukuro streets, I felt out of place; not being so "alive" myself. As I went I continued weighing my options as I had been for the last two and a half weeks. Even as my affections grew - not quite reaching the standards of "love" - death continued to be the most tempting offer life could present me with.<p>

Death could love me. Death could _want_ me.

Love... Want...

_Damn it, Shizuo._

He was mixing me up, making it difficult to distinguish one desire from another. Now knowing that he wanted me, I wanted him too. But knowing that he loved me? It's funny how the two concepts can intertwine like that. It sometimes becomes difficult to tell one from the other. To be loved... _Actually_ loved... By Heiwajima Shizuo no less.

What would this city make of us if they knew? In what ways would they destroy us if anyone - save for our close acquaintances - heard the news? Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya together in a twisted relationship of self-loathing fused with desperate sexual frustration... fighting for something so... so...

Could we really call this love? Or did he only want me while I was helpless?

I know we've been over it a thousand times. With thirteen days to go, I knew he was confident in us; yet I couldn't convince myself that it would stay that way if I got over me. And why couldn't I have this entirely my way? Kill off this disastrous piece of me in exchange for him? I'd cut out my heart if it solved my problems. I would press the cold steel of my blade into my chest and put the organ in a demon's hands if I knew this pain would go away.

Even if I could have... I'm not stupid. I knew they'd still destroy us. I was no longer a threat to these streets in my condition. Who knew if I'd ever get back to good health? And Shizuo had gone soft for his greatest adversary. The man who seemed able to withstand speeding bullets now had a weakness: me.

I didn't want the younger Heiwajima to be right anymore. I wanted to prove him wrong... to show him that I wasn't the same person I used to be. Before that was possible, though, I had to prove it to myself. Shizuo wasn't a game to me like he once was. If he went down, I'd go with him whether or not we could call this mess love. Something had to give.

One way or another. Dead or alive. This would have to conclude. And thirteen days was my limit. If I was going to walk away from this, I needed to walk away in love, or I was definitely a dead man.

"Fuck..." I cursed under my breath, rubbing my eyes.

Mid-afternoon rolled around too quickly as I spent another three hours drowning in thought instead of keeping my focus honed in on my vast surroundings. Shizuo hadn't called, allowing me to enjoy a gentle wave of relief. Thinking about meeting him in a public place for food suddenly felt like something worth avoiding after my many circulating contemplations on the current standings of our relationship. I wasn't so sure that I was okay to be seen with him, no matter how discrete we attempted to be. In fact, we hadn't even discussed publicizing this thing. What were we anyway? Could I call him my boyfriend? My lover? Or did I call myself his pity-fuck? His pet? What were we? I needed to know. I couldn't just meet him so casually without some clarity.

Taking the backstreets, I slipped through alleys and fire escapes to explore the city in an almost undercover manner. That suspicious feeling that somebody was watching me was slowly creeping up my spine again. Paranoia can be unrelenting. Yet, mine never seems to lie. Gripping the knife in my pocket, I carefully watched my own back as often as I could.

I despised the feeling that somebody was observing me. I was the informant. I was the observer. To know that the tables had been turned? That was a truly sickening feeling. Not to mention, I really wasn't in the mood to get hurt. Sure, I was a suicidal masochist, but surprise attacks? I'm sorry, but I like knowing who's trying to kick my ass.

Aggravated by being somebody else's pray, I climbed another fire escape, peering across my surroundings the higher I went; however, I found no hints of a stalker as I glanced around. I hated feeling sketched out by nothing, and I hated when my mind played tricks on me even more. So with a rise in my irritation level, I eased myself back to solid ground, making a decision to end this stupidity before my stress level sky rocketed from the paranoia of wondering when I'd be attacked.

Being sure to keep a firm, ready grip on my knife, I sighed. "I give up. I surrender!"

Light footsteps drew nearer from behind me. I didn't care to turn around to see the predator to my prey as two sources of strength tucked my hands away from my pockets. Before I could gain the proper bearings to respond, a pair of cold metal cuffs tightened around each wrist, just short of cutting off circulation. Against my will, I lost my grasp on my blade, starting a bit as I listened to it hit the ground with a clink.

"Hehe. Did you hear that, Nee-chan?" an instantly recognizable female voice giggled from below. I looked down to discover the culprits, "Iza-nii surrenders to us!"

As usual, Kururi didn't have much of a response towards Mairu's comment and she gave a slight nod, agreeing with her twin.

"Shouldn't you two be in class?" I grumbled, remembering the time.

"Yes! Actually, we should!" Mairu was quick to answer, "But Kururi saw Iza-nii from the roof at lunch time, so we left school to come see you!"

"See me, or kidnap me?"

I had never been in a worse mood to deal with these two. Even if their twisted little minds were my fault, they were two of the last people I hoped to see while walking through Ikebukuro. My sisters… I had fully hoped I wouldn't see them at all between my first attempt at suicide and the one I knew would succeed.

"Both…" Kururi quietly answered, tugging on her pair of handcuffs, which, unfortunately enough, was attached to her wrist. Mairu had done the same, linking the three of us together against my will.

"You look different, Iza-nii," Mairu stated, staring deeply into my eyes with her own chocolate orbs. The twist I had planted in her would soon turn them into a violent shade of red, just as mine had done so long ago. It was only a matter of time before they were worse off than I was.

"Different how?" I questioned, trying to ignore the cuffs which hooked me to them.

"You seem tired."

"Oh? Well…" I forced a half smile. "I've been extremely busy and it is draining me of energy."

"No…" Kururi shook her head in blatant disagreement.

"We went to your apartment." Mairu spent no time keeping secrets. "Namie-san said you hadn't been home in several weeks!"

"Your point?" I rolled my eyes.

"We figured something must be wrong! When we left your apartment, we saw Shizuo-san. And when we mentioned your name he didn't get all angry like he usually does! And then we overheard these two older boys talking about you at school!"

Kururi nodded her head, backing up Mairu's story.

"We've been worried, Iza-nii!" Mairu frowned.

I took a step back, barely noticing that I was dragging them along with me. "Worried?"

The girls pulled me forward, refusing to give into my movements.

"Let me go!" I demanded.

"NO!" they simultaneously retaliated.

"Why not?"

"Tell us where you've been!" Mairu ordered, tightening the cuffs until my fingers began to go numb.

"Working!" I scowled. "It's really none of your business. So release me and go back to class!"

"Big brother is lying! Namie-san was annoyed because Iza-nii left her alone to do all of his work! And-" both twins looked me up and down with mischievous eyes, "Why are you so skinny?"

"I've always been thin."

"No! You're sluggish and underweight!"

Damn it. When did they get so smart? And who was the imbecile who taught them how to observe such precise details? Oh, wait. That was me. Fuck. What was I thinking when I manipulated these girls into becoming little monsters like myself? I should have been teaching them how to be different. I should have been teaching them to be your average school girls, working for their futures and taking after our mother. But no. I had to bring my bad habits home with me. I had to show them what it was like to inspect a human down to their most secretive flaws so that they may reveal them to all the world. They had become twin demons crafted by my hand…

With my subconscious taking over, I hung my head in ultimate shame for what I had done to them.

"Nii-san?" Kururi placed a startlingly gently hand on my arm.

Nervously, I kept my eyes on both girls until they forced their tiny bodies into me, forming a weird embrace. Defeated, I allowed them this, no matter how worried I was that they'd pull some cruel trick to spite me. Their matching eyes said otherwise.

A click and a clink echoed in my ear drums, indicating my release. The handcuffs jingled as they pulled away. Their small hands moved to my chest as they pushed me back onto an abandoned crate. I sat down, immediately burying my hands in my hair; hiding my miserable face from their view.

"Iza-nii…?" Mairu reached for my shoulder.

Instinctively protecting myself, I pulled back. She gasped a little. Was she… afraid?

"I'm sorry, Mairu… I…" I apologized, pulling my hand out of my hair. I reached for her, coiling my arm around her waist. I can't tell you why, but I felt another wave of extreme guilt… probably for the way I had so easily corrupted them. And yet… They still retained some of their innocence…

"Where have you been for so long? We missed you…" she frowned.

I shook my head. "Don't worry about that right now… Uh… How are Mom and Dad…?"

"Same…" Kururi answered.

"Dad asks us about you sometimes," Mairu elaborated. "But mom pretends… well…"

Her face fell.

"That I'm dead?"

"Hm…"

"She'll get over it," I tried to reassure the girls, but my eyes strayed to the ground. How could I ever tell them that I was easily on my way into the next life? "She's just mad at me for the way you two turned out."

"That's not funny, Iza-nii!"

"Who's laughing?"

Both girls pulled away from me. Leaning against one another, they crossed their arms with disgruntled expressions scribbled across their young faces.

"Why won't you tell us what's wrong with you?" Kururi asked.

I was slightly incredulous toward how much she had to say. So I played my usual game of avoidance. Standing up, I pulled my phone out of my pocket, finding a fresh text from Shizuo waiting to be read.

[_Ramen in 20. You know where_.]

"Excuse me for cutting our family reunion short," I sighed, backing away from the little demons. "I have an appointment that I'm running late for."

"Big brother?" they called after me as I quickly escaped the scene.

I just wanted to go home… or rather… back to Shizuo's apartment. My head was beginning to swim with these mixed emotions once again, ramming against the sides of my skull as if they were trying to break out; thus producing a migraine of epic proportions. I could feel myself ready to crash again.

[_Feeling sick. Take a rain check_?] I replied to Shizuo's text.

Barely a minute passed before my phone buzzed back at me.

[_Are you okay_?]

When would people stop asking me that? Of course not.

[_I'm fine. I just need to lay down._]

[_Did you eat your egg?_]

I grumbled a curse or two at the stupid question, while violently pounding the short response into my cell phone. [_No_.]

[_Come eat. You're probably sick from starving yourself._]

_[No. I'm fine. Just a migraine._]

[_You can get those from extreme hunger._]

[_I'm fine_.]

Picking up on my irritation, Shizuo sent me a final text before I made my way to his building. [_I should be home around 8... WITH FOOD._]

"Tch…"

Kicking off my shoes, I tossed the little black brick on the coffee table and collapsed on the couch, proving to myself that the day's adventure was just another waste of time.

* * *

><p><em>Singing silent songs of sadness, my heart waits for its chance<em>

_To dance along the ashes of my burnt up little plans._


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note:** Lol. Dude, Anon. While on the subject of name-calling: You're a fucking dumbass. I guess nobody ever told you that critquing someone for their work didn't include immature name-calling while hiding behind anonymity. A critique is analyzing somebody's work and pointing out where they could improve or how they can develop a story better in the future. It is not saying things like, "You suck," and "You should stop writing," and "You're an idiot." That is not a critique. I'm fairly sure you, and everybody here, knows that. And then you want to call me out for calling _you_ out? If you had any guts at all, I wouldn't have to respond to you this way. I'm rec'd because even though you and I don't like my writing, _other_ people do. A lot of other people. And they are my confidence. While they aren't why I write, they are why I post.

Complaining about my bad writing and not understanding why my stories are recommended only makes you look like the envious, spiteful coward you are. I never did anything to _deserve_ this kind of bashing from you. You chose to come here, on my page, and act out of your own free will with absolutely no real grounds to do so. You've been trolling me for months.

And _I'm_ the stupid one?

You've told me before that my writing makes this fandom look bad. Honestly, it makes me laugh that a person can be so negative and so immature that they don't see how their blatant cowardly rudeness is what really makes a fandom seem uninviting.

That said, I do thank you once again for adding to my hits, views and reviews. Every comment counts toward my popularity. What's that they say? Oh, right. All publicity is good publicity.

PS - To everyone else, I really am sorry that this is happening... Please ignore this if you can. Some people like to be anonymous because they're afraid of the person they decide to pester with their bullshit.

* * *

><p>"What are these from?" Shizuo questioned, picking up both of my hands, gaping at my wrists. The bruises left by my sisters' handcuffs burned beneath his rugged touch.<p>

He had barely walked through the door before he was up in arms over something pertaining to me. Again. I mean, what else was new? Personally, I wondered if the drama would ever end... and then, I realized that I was the drama.

"Nothing..." I muttered. I hadn't thought much of the sharp grip of those temporary shackles. As long as I was free of them, I didn't care what markings they left me with. There were deeper scars cutting into my world than my sisters' usual devices.

"Izaya! This isn't nothing!" he barked, throwing his protective shield into use. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Who did then?"

I tugged my hands out of his. Scowling, I told him what he wanted to hear: the truth. "I ran into my sisters on the street today."

"Eh...?"

"They did _this_ to you?"

"They've always been a little vicious," I nodded. "Didn't you know?"

Shizuo shook his head, incredulous. "How can two little girls-"

"You're talking about a very specific pair of teens," I reminded him.

"They wouldn't really-"

"They've done worse."

"Why couldn't you just say so from the start?"

Running my left-hand fingers over the bruising around my right wrist, I furrowed my eyebrows. These minor injuries were nothing compared to getting my ass kicked by Shizuo in the past... just more annoying, I suppose. Not to mention the other people who had cut, hit, stabbed, sliced, and bruised me... the most painful of which was always the bruising of my ego as the eyes of the world glared at me in disgust for my sins.

"Damn it, flea. If you're telling the truth you have to answer me."

Not being in the mood to talk, I shot him a "back off" glare. My migraine hadn't calmed down since I walked through the door, and his constant interrogations made me feel worse. "Because I didn't want to see them, okay?" I clutched my shirt directly over my heart. Feeling the slow beat beneath my palm, I swore I felt it aching at the recent memory... or was it quivering in fear? "Better yet... I didn't want them to see me... like this..."

I rolled over, into the couch, trying my best to bury myself in the cushions, and I would have been perfectly satisfied to hide there for the rest of my life if I could ever achieve some level of invisibility. However, the moment I slipped out onto the streets of Ikebukuro, I could feel all eyes on me. Watching me... judging me... killing me... Maybe I was just an easy target. To think there was a time when I could literally dodge a bullet...

Shizuo placed a strong hand on my upper arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You'd have to see them eventually..."

Disagree.

"No... not like this..." I breathed. "They saw straight through me."

Shizuo huffed. "That's not exactly difficult, considering you don't eat."

"That's not funny," I shot, curling my body into a smaller sized ball.

"Izaya... I can see a prefect outline of your bones through that shirt. Your spine... your ribs... your shoulders... And your pants look huge."

"These are your pants."

Shizuo paused for a moment, allowing his irritation to settle. "...Tch. Of course they are. Why are you wearing my clothes when you barely fit into your own?"

"Shizu-chan's are more comfortable," I stated an obvious fact.

"Ugh... We need to stop changing the subject," he told me, choosing to ignore my statement.

I rolled onto my back and stared at him with contemplative eyes. This conversation... I didn't want to have it. Again. My quest for anything but an ordinary life was turning into a repetitive cycle, all of which could have been avoided if I had died like I was supposed to.

Another flash from the past zipped through my memory, duplicating the feeling of nausea I felt when the alcohol dissolved the trail mix of pills.

"I know you hate to talk about your feelings," he read me like a book, putting him in no mood to deal with my avoidance issues. "You've been good about honesty lately, too, but if you keep it up this way, you're gonna end up committed. And come on. Is that what you want?"

"No..."

"Better me than a psychiatrist, right?"

"Hardly. You're just as pushy."

A tiny smile tweaked at the left corner of his mouth. "It's good that you're leaving the apartment."

What was that crap about switching subjects?

"..._but_...?"

"But it isn't enough."

"I knew it."

Shizuo glowered, quickly becoming fed up with my rotten attitude. "You still have two weeks here."

"I realize this. What's your point?"

"If you keep up this moody bullshit, I'm going to lose it."

"Sorry..."

"For once in your life, how difficult would it be for you to compromise, Izaya? You're being impossible."

Oh. So he noticed? Would he soon notice that I wasn't in the mood for his lectures? That these pathetic "pep-talks" were weak, and did nothing to change me? That it made me physically sick to my stomach to discuss my "feelings" with him? Because every time I told him how I felt about anything, I felt this unworldly gravitational pull towards him, like a rope was tied around my waist, and he was reeling me in each time he learned something new about me. I hated it. As long as we continued like this, my head only became fuzzier.

Jumbled thoughts aren't good for a manic depressive. We get confused, resulting in mental breakdowns rather than any real success in one direction or another. I'd like to be high or low; not walking the line in between the two.

Shizuo didn't understand.

"It's not enough to just get out. Taking a walk isn't going to fix you."

"You don't know that," I retorted.

"Don't I? Who had to come home because he was feeling 'sick'?"

"Tch... this isn't my home."

Shizuo tightened his fists. I probably deserved to have some sense knocked into me. Part of me hoped he'd do it. I even considered encouraging him to; yet, he showed restraint, choosing to breathe for a moment instead. How was it so easy for him to hold back? After all those years running me into an alleyway to beat me into the pavement, how could he resist reverting back to that same animalistic rage?

"You know what I mean. You're sick because you're not eating."

"I'm sick because I'm a bit of a mental case." I smoothly corrected him, accepting my psychological issues as an unchangeable feature of my personality.

His angry demeanor suddenly dissipated, reverting to somewhat of a childish, tranquil calm. His hurricane eyes bore into mine, searching desperately for absent hope. "You still want to die, don't you...? Even after..."

Giving in to the hurt tone of his voice, I sat up, apologetically twisting my toothpick arms around him. I hated myself even more for resting my head on his shoulder. Why did he have to be so warm... so _comfortable_ and warm?

"You didn't want the twins to see you..." He put the pieces together. His strong voice was breaking from the weight of my misery. I was stressing him out more than ever. "Because you wanted their last memory of you to be a good one... You didn't want them to know your pain until you were gone..."

I actually found myself amazed by the way he figured me out. "I'm sorry... Shizu-chan..."

Hanging his head, he whispered, "The first day we met, we had a death match through the streets of this city. The first day you moved in, you fell apart in my arms... As much as we've changed..."

I picked up where he trailed off. "As much as we've changed, I'm not changing at all."

"I don't know what I can do to fix you..."

"You've done all that you can, Shizu-chan. The next thirteen days are on me..."

"Tch... That doesn't reassure me when you choose to be so stubborn, Flea. I told you we'd take 'us' slow. I'm sticking to my end of the bargain... so..."

"I'm trying..."

"You have to try harder. Look at yourself, will you?"

"I don't want to..."

"Why not?"

"Because I despise what I see," I admitted, doing exactly as I resented doing. "And I don't think any amount of effort is going to change it."

Shizuo glared at me like I was telling a sick joke. But hey. From my point of view, my entire life consisted of a series of wretched pranks. I should write a book. I'll call it "What Not to Teach Your Kids." Better yet, my mother can write it... not that she taught me any of it.

"You can't say that if you don't put in the effort..." Shizuo scolded me.

For whatever reason, I took the comment offensively, suddenly feeling a pent up desire to make a point strong enough to shoot him down. I let go of him, scowling as I leaned back into the couch. "Tell me where to start and I'll put in all the effort you want."

He was too quick for my cynicism today. "You could make a great start by coming to lunch with me."

"Fine!"

"And you're not faking this 'woe is me I'm so sick' crap tomorrow. I won't let you."

"I wasn't faking it." I narrowed my eyes, praying for lasers to shoot into his stupid brain.

"Oh, I don't think you were," he shrugged.

"So what are you accusing me of."

"Not accusing you of anything. I just have you figured out is all."

"Horse shit," I growled.

"We'll see."

Within my own mind, I was throwing curses at him. How was I so transparent? I wasn't used to this. People had never been able to figure me out. I was a well of secrets to be told. So how did Shizuo always know? It was almost as if he locked his eyes on mine to use me as his crystal ball. My future choices were made clear to him by powers unknown.

"Give me my reason," I demanded, making an effort to break this growing tension between us. His eyes were looking particularly hungry. I couldn't stand it anymore.

He tilted his head to one side, raking those expressive spheres down my body. Being that I'm not food, I wasn't a fan of the predatory stare. Come on, Shizu-chan.

My soul was withering away. My muscles had atrophied. And my heart was splitting each time I came across a familiar face. Yet he stayed glued to me, doused in wanton desire that made me cringe.

"Seventeen," he spoke with a rough, sultry inflection, making my cheeks go hot. "There are so many things I'd like to do to you that-"

"SHUT UP, PERVERT!" I yelled, stretching my arms out in front of me to push him away. If looks could kill, there'd be a bullet hole between his eyes. "Forget I asked."

Frustrated, I relocated to the bedroom, making sure to slam the door, where I buried myself in pillows and sheets and pretended to fall asleep.

I didn't want Shizuo's words of lust echoing in my mind. I had enough of his so-called "love" already at war with my self-loathing sending my brain into a frenzied panic. Hell, I wasn't even sure of my own feelings for him. Besides, was that even flirting? I mean, damn. I suppose I had to give him credit for skill; however, his timing was horrible.

And... and... I... Well... I...

I didn't want to acknowledge the weight lifted off my heart as each word poured out of his mouth. I didn't want to notice the playful smirk. Or the sly gleam in his eyes. I definitely didn't want to feel his light touch tickling my skin, erasing the muscle tension everywhere his fingers went...

I didn't want to recognize that he wasn't being "that" way at all... when, in reality, I knew he was only trying to make me feel loved...

Reason seventeen wasn't meant to be a reason to live... It was meant to be a pick-me-up to peel my thoughts away from my anguish... Unfortunately for us both, the innocent attempt failed, pissing me off instead. It was this brand of frustration making me wish I could be numb; injected with Novocain for the rest of my life, or loaded with brain-dissolving drugs to prevent these raging wars with myself.

Still unclear on the status of our relationship, I began to float somewhere in between dreams and reality when the door opened with a light creak. Too tired to open my eyes, my heart began to race when Shizuo gently pushed my hair out of my eyes. I could feel the apology in his touch. Even better, I could feel the sincerity when he pushed his soft lips to the spot just above my eyebrow.

"The real reason for today..." he whispered. I couldn't tell if he knew I was awake. "I wouldn't know the first thing about living in a world without you in it."

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><p><em>Don't you feel loved? Don't you feel loved?<em>

_Don't you feel so much better now? _


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Note:** Oya. Being sick. So great.

I have no motivation to do aaaannyyyything. And I start school in a few days and I have to go to my university to get my ID and parking. I don't wanna. ;_;

Oh well. Better to be sick NOW instead of over the weekend, ne?

__You guys are awesome as always. Thank you for your feedback!

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><p><em>The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.<em>

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><p>Sleep had become a hobby of mine… hadn't it? Always one for short-term sources of entertainment (stomping cell phones, stomping boyfriends, stomping lives, etc), I had taken on dreaming. However, when I woke up on day eighteen, I found myself tired of being tired. What good had running into nightmares done for me?<p>

Contemplative as ever, I stayed flat on my back until I was sure I wasn't going back to sleep. I watched the ceiling fan go round and round, hoping it would hypnotize me into forgetting my life… forgetting the disfigured mess it was. Rolling over, I checked the time on Shizuo's digital clock, its green letters looking faded by the golden glow streaming in from the morning sun.

10:00AM

He had probably left two hours ago.

_Good_.

I wouldn't have known what to say to him. I wasn't ready to try.

"Fuckin…Shizu-chan…" I growled, untangling myself from the sheets, finally having decided to get my ass out of bed.

Immediately, I went for my cell phone, discovering multiple missed calls from nobodies covering up several text messages from the idiot. I wondered when people would give up. I had been ignoring business for over four weeks now… since I tried to swallow death in pill form. Every number on the screen was beginning to look the same, including Namie's. I wondered what she wanted for a brief moment before deciding she was as unimportant to me as she had ever been.

Shizuo's texts were much more important.

**Shizu-chan**

**03/20/2010 - 9:30AM**

[_And I'm sorry for last night_…]

**Shizu-chan**

**03/20/2010 - 9:12AM**

[_Russian Sushi. Be there at 1._]

**Shizu-chan**

**03/20/2010 - 8:47AM**

[_Hey. Don't go out until lunch. I don't want you getting in trouble before then. I'll text you with the when and where soon._]

You know… text messaging would be a much more emotional method of speaking to a person if they didn't see the newest unread texts first. Though, I really couldn't restrain a faint smile over the apology.

_No._

God damn it.

I sat back on the mattress and rubbed my eyes. I didn't care where it was… No. I was turned off by the idea in itself. Food… Public… Shizuo… All of it was uncomfortable.

Each time I went out, I seemed to run into some problem… some _person_… I didn't want to see. And the idea of eating disgusted me. I felt like puking just thinking about it. As if that wasn't enough, being seen with Shizuo was the worst part of the entire concept.

People weren't going to take it lightly upon seeing us together in a civilized manner. Saving me from the Awakusu-kai was freaky enough as it was. Ikebukuro isn't a city that easily forgets. It's shrouded by a concoction of secrets and malevolence; not lost memories. The people here don't seem to forget anything. They're just skilled when it comes to pretending that nothing is wrong until they get too curious. Yet, they don't know that to someone like me, everything is revealed by the looks in their eyes.

I couldn't stop trying to process what they'd do if they could see us in the most intimate moments of this life. They'd probably laugh before transforming into vultures who would pick us apart until we both ended up dead. I wasn't out to destroy lives anymore… I was only looking to end mine. If word made its way to the wrong people, Shizuo and I were sure to end up in a very dark place, as if this one wasn't dark enough. For all he had done to help me, effective or not, he didn't deserve to be brought down because of me. When I went down, I wasn't going to bring him with me. Ikebukuro needed to stick to the belief that there was nothing more dangerous than the raging blond and the manipulative informant. The city had seen Orihara Izaya weak once. Never again.

With no intention of meeting Shizuo, I got dressed and slipped out of the apartment, being sure to avoid the entire block surrounding the strange sushi restaurant. As contradictory to my thoughts as it was, I didn't feel like I could stay inside. I was feeling trapped again.

Yes. My decision to skip out on him was selfish in the worst of ways. But… what of the long run? I saw it as protecting him, even if he wouldn't appreciate it.

Knowing Shizuo the way I did left no doubt in my mind that he'd be pissed.

"OI! Izaya!"

A figure in a blue-gray track jacket and a hat that I'll never understand, stepped onto the sidewalk, waving a calm hand. Behind him were two overexcited otakus and a bored looking high school student with a minivan complex.

"Dotachin?" I responded, a little surprised to see him.

A look crawled across his face at the sound of my nickname for him. He always hated it. Same Kadota as ever. "It's been a while," he stated, shrugging off my response.

He pulled himself away from the hyperactive duo and their chauffer to speak to me without spontaneous interruptions. Probably a wise choice.

My mind went elsewhere as I actually forced myself not to focus on a conversation. It seemed like every time I ran into a familiar face, I ended up more confused than I already was. _Me_. Confused. I hated it. "Hm. Yes… it has."

"You doing alright?" he asked. "You seem… different."

"Different?" I reiterated, choosing to bullshit my way through this one. "How so?"

He squinted, running his eyes over me. "You're… quiet."

"Huh?"

I took a step back. Cracking a smile, I forced a low chuckle out of my throat. It was so fake that it hurt. You know cafeteria food? Like, when you're a kid in school, and the food they serve is garbage layered on top of cardboard and slat? So you sit down at the lunch table to eat, but the food doesn't taste at all like food, resulting in its disposal instead of consumption.

That was my laugh. Fake and distasteful. Kadota read it loud and clear.

He leered. "Tch. You usually have a lot to say as soon as we cross paths."

"Our paths have only just crossed," I reminded him.

"So are the rumors true?"

The switch was abrupt. Frightening. Was I so transparent?

"What rumors?" I glowered, snapping back to reality.

Kadota shook his head. "Forget it."

"Dota. What rumors?"

"Not my business… but I think you should be warned. I saw Shizuo about an hour ago. He's acting strange too. You might want to be careful."

"Thanks… uh… I guess."

Deciding to end the conversation, I began to put one foot before the other, swiftly removing myself from the scene. So there were rumors… Thankfully, unless I misunderstood him, it didn't seem like my old high school friend was aware of my current status. Hopefully, though hope was so far gone from my heart, he'd never have to find out.

Kadota Kyohei…

He put up with so much of my serpentine shit when we were kids. Yet, he never dropped me. Ignoring how much I annoyed him, stole his girlfriends just to do it, dragged him into my fights, and used him as a human shield from Shizuo, he stuck by me for a good amount of time. He knew me one way and one way only. I didn't want to change his perception after all of those years. Some day, I'd make it up to him.

Keeping my feet moving, I decided to make it a point to avoid familiar faces from now on, beginning with turning a less traveled corner. Not only did they scare me, but they always knew something. Someone had always let them in on my secrets, which was fully unacceptable. Information on the informant… How much longer was it meant to go on before I either rewrote my life or put out the dying flame?

Oh well. Two days or twelve. My close acquaintances could be lead on when they couldn't be avoided. I was just rusty. That's all. I'd been so sheltered by my own hurt that I was in need of fine tuning an old habit.

At least, that's what I tried to convince myself.

But I should know, for all of my walking, I've never quite made it out of the woods. Then again… where would I be if I did? A grassy meadow? Tch. At least I can hide in the forest. There's nowhere to hide in a field.

When the digital numbers on my cell phone showed one o'clock, I flipped it open, pressing the "end" key to turn it off. I dropped it into the back pocket of my jeans, and crossed the street, deciding to stay low in back alleys where vermin like me usually tend to hide. Yes. It was weak. Anybody with half a brain could have found me there. In fact, it was probably covertly clichéd. Most people on the lookout for me wouldn't think about it being so obvious. Instinct would lead them here.

Luckily for me, it worked for about an hour as I paced back and forth in a dead end of a particular alley, covered by a more narrow crevice in between buildings. Just… an hour.

Foot steps drew nearer, breaking my finicky back-and-forth pattern. I stopped, feeling my knees as they began to tremble with a fear that hadn't made its way into my heart yet.

"I should've known I'd find you here…" a low growl chilled my bones.

A final puff of smoke escaped through his nostrils before Shizuo dropped the half-smoked cigarette on the littered cement beneath our feet. I was nearly hypnotized by the lonely stream of burning tobacco as it hit the ground, deciding to die out on its own. I wished that could be me.

Either way, I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I could feel his bitter stare well enough. There was no point in staring back.

"I don't know what's worse," he said. "That you didn't bother to lie, or that you just didn't bother to show up."

"Shizu-chan…"

"Don't try to worm your way out of this with that tone of voice."

I was hearing his pain loud and clear. Did he fear rejection from me?

"I'm sorry…" was the best I could do.

"You always are. Do you ever stop thinking about yourself long enough to consider that this thing between us might be a team effort?"

"I-"

"I'm not invincible you know."

"I know that!" I shot, snapping my head in his direction, locking myself into his livid eyes before I could consider the consequences.

"Do you, Izaya? Or do you just keep trying to fuck with me? Every time I try anything from getting you out of bed to making you smile, you do everything you can to make it as difficult as possible! I may not feel it if a knife slices through my flesh, but I _do_ feel pain. Just like you do."

"Your pain could never match mine…"

"How do you know?"

"That doesn't matter…"

"Of course it matters. Why would you skip out on me like that? And don't you dare tell me it's because you aren't hungry, because I asked you to meet me there. I never said you had to eat."

Damn it… He was blocking all of my excuses. When did he get so good at setting up barricades? But the more he went off, the faster my shame morphed into indignation of my own.

"Stop…" I warned him.

Shizuo took several steps towards me. Intuitively, I took several steps back. "Stop what?"

"Just leave me alone."

"No. Not until I get some answers outta you."

"Why?" I lashed out, suddenly feeling my temper reaching an unnatural boiling point. "All you ever fucking want from me is answers! Everything is a question with you! Can't you just shut the fuck up and mind your own for once?"

"What the fuck has gotten into you, flea!" He backed me into the corner.

"And there you go again! How about answering some of mine for once?"

"Like what?"

"Like, why do you care so much whether or not I go to lunch with you? Have you not taken it into consideration that people might see us?"

"Tch. I don't care about people. I'm not _you_."

"So it never occurred to you what they'd do if they saw us together?"

"Wait…" he stepped back. "You turned off your phone and fucking stood me up because you don't want complete strangers to see us together?"

"More or less."

"Fuck. _Seriously_? So when this was concerning you, did you ever stop to think that maybe it doesn't fucking matter?"

"How does it _not_ matter?" I spat. "What? Are you looking for them to destroy us? We may not know them, but everybody in Ikebukuro knows us."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's pretty simple. They see us. They see what we are, versus what we used to be. We're ruined. _Dead_."

"Hmph… then in that case, you'd be getting exactly what you want. This is about your image. Your last threads of pride. Since when do you care what people think of you?"

The searing pain of pent up tears messed with my vision while we continued to retaliate against each other. My head was getting light. There was no telling how much of this yelling I could take.

I covered my ears with my hands, trying not to put up with any more. It was a pointless move. "Shut up, Shizuo."

I tried pushing myself through the wall. Yes. I mean that. I was so desperate to get away from him, that I pushed my back into the wall as hard as I could, praying to nonexistent powers that I'd fall through it.

"No. I'm not shutting up. Damn it. Do you really think I give a shit about them? Do you really think I'd ever let them touch you?"

"You can't stop every force that comes your way. You said it yourself. Shizuo, you're not invincible."

"So what do you want from me then? You just wanna stay hidden in my apartment and hide for the next 12 days, hoping to whither away before you have to make any progress for yourself?"

"NO!"

"Then what the fuck do you want? Because nothing ever sounds okay to you! And when I don't know that it's not okay, I never find out until the last minute."

"What the hell does that even mean? You never find out. What does that mean?"

"Forget it," the tone in his voice suddenly dropped.

"No."

"Fuck," he hissed.

Pulling his arm back, I could see the tension of his fury building. His hand curled into a tight fist. Clamping my eyes shut, I waited for the collision of his punch to my face as his other hand on my chest kept me pinned to the wall. Soon, the sound of an epic crack reverberated through my skull. I found myself flinching, momentarily believing that I had received the blow until I felt no pain.

Opening my eyes, I turned my head, finding a fresh crater in the wall.

Shizuo stepped back, shaking off his hand as it began to bruise and bleed. If looks could kill, I'd be six feet under already.

"This is nothing but a game to you, is it, Izaya?"

"Is that really what you think?"

"How would I know?" The bite in his voice deepened, taking him over entirely. "All you've done is show me that you don't give a shit about anyone or anything but yourself. Do you string me along just for a final prank before you die? Do you even wanna die? Or is this some sort of plan concocted in order to make me feel sorry for you?"

"Stop it…" I warned him, desperate for him to shut up. My head was spinning now.

"I can't help but wonder if Kasuka was right."

"I said _stop_." I drew my eyelids shut again, hoping to chase away the dizziness.

"You're toying with me, aren't you?"

In one fluid movement, my hands were on his chest. Using my remaining strength I shoved him away from me; then made a feeble attempt to stand up straight. Glancing up, I tried to read the look on his face, though I couldn't force my eyes to focus. I could feel myself swaying as balance left me. My head was throbbing like the fast rhythm of a bass drum, intensifying with every deep breath I sucked in. A cold chill swept through me as I stumbled backwards, grabbing my coat to pull it around my torso.

"Izaya…" Shizuo's voice reverted back to the calm I had become so used to over the last several weeks.

"Get away from me…" I demanded, feeling my back collide with the wall.

"Izaya, look at me. What's wrong?"

"I'm _fine_…"

What a pathetic lie.

Feeling a pair of strong arms lift me off my feet, the surrounding world disappeared by the disruption of black spots filling my vision.

Everything went dark.


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note:** You guys are awesome. Thank you all for everything. I'm studying a lot since I start school tomorrow so I've been slower on updating. :)

And XXX, is it? Oh, just for you, I'll make sure I start updating more so that my writing will always be waiting for you on the first page. Just for you, darling.

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><p>"Ngh. What… the fuck…" I groaned.<p>

Bright lights burned through closed eyes, summoning the throbbing in my skull once again. Trying to sit up, I was only dragged back down by a nauseous feeling in my stomach, paired with the intense migraine.

"Hey, hey, hey!" an innocent voice echoed through my eardrums. A hand wrapped around my shoulder, gently guiding me back into the mattress of a hospital bed. "You're okay. Don't try to get up."

"Shinra…" I could hear my own weakness in my voice. "What is this…?"

I scratched at the needle in my arm, hissing as it stung my flesh in retaliation to my touch. Clearly, it wasn't ready to be removed.

"Yeah. I wouldn't mess with that IV…" he warned me. "Do you know where you are?"

"Better be your house," I breathed, still unable to see past my headache. "Cause if we're at the hospital, I'm going to kill you."

"Shizuo said you got into a pretty nasty argument. Towards the end, he said you went white as a sheet and collapsed. You're lucky I don't live too far. He carried you here."

I felt an uncomfortable swelling in my chest with Shinra's words. "Where is he now?"

"I had Celty take him out for a while. You need to rest and his anxiousness isn't good for you."

"How long…"

"Since you passed out?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm... Four hours." Concern expanded in Shinra's voice. "You're severely malnourished. You're not eating enough."

"I know…"

"Any longer and there are a long list of illnesses waiting to come alive inside of you. Anemia and hypertension are already working hard to bring you down, Izaya. At the very least, I'm not letting you go until we increase your overall intake of nutrients, or at least until I'm sure you'll do it on your own. You're lucky you and Shizuo got into that fight. Now we can reverse this."

"Shinra…" I grumbled, barely processing a word spilling out of his chatty mouth.

"Huh? Sorry. I'm talking too much," he read my mind.

"Yeah…"

"Honestly, I'm surprised you're so coherent. But I suppose that for somebody with such a high IQ, that's fairly normal, and I-"

"_Shinra!_" I couldn't take any more of his ramblings as I reached for my brain, silently begging for the pain to stop.

"Here… I'm sorry…" he said, quieting down. Squinting past the swelling agony in my skull, I watched him mess with the IV bags before turning off the light. I felt worlds better already. "That should help your migraine."

"When can I leave?" I asked, already desperate to get out of there.

"I just told you."

"Yeah. But how long?"

He took a seat in the chair next to me. "A day or two. Forgive me, please. As a doctor, I can't allow you to walk out of here given the circumstances."

"Understandable…" I groaned, beginning to feel the effects of a comfortable dose of painkillers entering my system. The great thing about Shinra had always been his unconventional methods. I appreciated the fact that he knew I'd be after whatever would make me numb. Real doctors, in real hospitals, would never be so generous.

Unfortunately, as I fell into the supreme high, welcoming in this brand of lightheadedness over the other, my mind burned mental pictures on the back of my eyelids, leaving a not so pleasant reminder of the last time I forced myself not to feel. I jolted slightly, tricked for a moment into thinking I was back on the fire escape; caught up in the rain, but too apathetic to move. The bottle of liquor in my hand slurred my words and blurred my vision. I remembered streetlights… sirens… and voices. None of which centered around me. They were only pieces to the city's usual soundtrack. I remembered the feeling well. It said that nobody was coming to save me before death.

My eyes shot open. Fear struck me hard in the chest as I peered into the darkness of the room.

Night had blanketed the city during my hallucinations. I wondered how long it had been this time.

"Whoa…" I mumbled, feeling a sudden need to throw up.

I sat up, holding my hand over my stomach. Once again, even if I tried, there was nothing in my body to purge. And why the fuck was I so cold?

"Oi… What are you doing?" a voice of concern rang in my ears, sounding a bit skewed as the effects of the drugs hadn't worn down just yet.

"I think…" I stuttered through the words, trying to hold back the heaves. "I… I'm going to hurl…"

Running his long fingers down the notches of my spine, he began to ease the knots out of my stomach; yet, there was something different about his touch. I shivered.

Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, both arms coiled around my shoulders, chasing away the chilly sensation instantly. I felt like ramen cups must feel when the hot water is poured over them, loosening up all of the tension that keeps them in tight shape, but with no room to move due to the confines of Styrofoam. I stared at his hands, noticing that the difference in the way he dragged his fingers down my back was due to a thick layer of bandages twisted around his knuckles. He fucked up his hand when he punched the wall…

I felt responsible.

"Shinra didn't wanna tell you no when he gave you the drugs…" Shizuo said, resting his head on my shoulder. "He was worried that they'd make you sick."

"Guh…" was all I could say before I had to hold down a wave of nausea.

"Look…" he sighed. "I'm just here to check on you before I leave."

"Leave?" I frowned.

"Shinra thinks it'd be better for you if we had some space for a night."

"Shinra's full of shit."

"Doctor's orders…"

"Pfft."

"I know… I almost hit him when he said I couldn't stay here tonight."

Glancing at his hand again, I couldn't help the guilt tightening in my chest. The feeling certainly wasn't helping my stomach. "Your hand…"

"Huh? Oh." he held it out for a better view. "Yeah. No big deal. I have two of them."

"That doesn't hurt?" I asked, wondering if his softer side could feel pain at all.

"Nah. But it doesn't want to move. Broken knuckles apparently," he made a vain attempt to laugh it all off. "Heh... I didn't think I'd ever break anything again. Must've hit that wall pretty hard, huh?."

I winced. Speckles of blood were coming through the sterile white gauze. All the same, I was amazed that he was unfazed by the injury. In fact, Shizuo acted like there was nothing wrong with it at all. "I did it to you…"

"No you didn't. It was your head or the wall. I picked the wall."

"You haven't been angry like that in a long time…"

"Nope… I dunno if I've ever been angry like _that_."

Leaning into him, I sighed, wondering if there was anything more to say about our alleyway spat.

"Shizuo," Shinra's voice was stern as he propped himself up against the doorway.

The drop of his name was all either of us needed to hear.

"Yeah, yeah. I know…" he mumbled, rolling his eyes.

Pulling back, he made sure I was stable before leaving my side. That uncomfortable chill immediately rushed in after our separation. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to cling to him for the rest of the night, forgetting that any of this was happening… especially our fight.

"Do whatever Shinra wants so that he won't hold you hostage for too long," he whispered. "I'll come get you after work tomorrow night."

Finding it physically painful to watch him go, I laid back down, clinging to the sterile white sheets with wet eyes when he waved a temporary goodbye. I couldn't see the look he gave Shinra, but it was enough to make the underground doctor slide out of the way faster than he could tell where his feet were taking him.

After showing Shizuo to the door, Shinra returned a few moments later, having more to say than I really had the patience to listen to. For the most part, I ignored him, allowing my tears to flow freely. I couldn't call it crying. I _won't_ call it crying… though, I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. Without that blond idiot, I felt alone, no matter who was there to replace him.

Tch.

Yeah right.

Like hell Shinra could ever replace Shizuo.

"…IV will help," I heard Shinra say, picking up on the conversation when I had finally decided it isn't crying when your eyes just water on their own. "But tomorrow, I'm going to give you a list of things you need to start eating. And you _will_ start eating."

"Sure thing, Captain…" I said in the tone of voice that I hoped would irritate him, forgetting that his good nature usually acted as a pretty sturdy shield.

Shinra could be a serious guy when he wanted to be, despite his frequent ditzy, sadistic performances. Half the time, he didn't even notice what an idiot he was. Nevertheless, he'd trap himself in work-mode at the right times, even when it drove his patients crazy. Fortunately for me, I was already relatively nuts.

"Doesn't it scare you?" he queried.

"Doesn't what scare me?"

"The way you've let yourself go. I mean, Izaya, this kind of thing alters your ability to think and make rational decisions. It's not simply your body. It's your everything."

"It's not something I really think about," I breathed. "Shinra… I do want to die, I haven't changed my methods for eating."

The doctor raised a curious eyebrow. "And what methods are those?"

"I don't eat unless I'm hungry. And I haven't been hungry."

"For several weeks, Izaya?"

His surprised face was so innocent… almost cute, I thought.

I shrugged. "Looking at food makes me feel sick."

"We're fixing that tomorrow. I've loaded your IV with a few things to help you get a head start."

"And then you'll let me go?"

"No," he shook his head. "I'll give you back to Shizuo."

"Tch…" I rolled my eyes. "You're acting like I'm his pet being dropped off for a night at the vet."

"Well… when you're suicidal…"

"Shinra. Do me a favor?"

"Only if it's within reason."

I couldn't help but smirk at the comment. For a long time, I had forgotten how well this strange, young man actually _knew_ me. I had forgotten that as much of a jerk as I was, he and I had always been pretty good friends. Just like Kadota…

I wiped the salty tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. "Tomorrow, I want you to tell me what happened that night. All of it. I want to know what happened after Simon brought me here."

Shinra glanced up from the list of notes he had been taking during our conversation. "I'll tell you if you want…" he agreed to the proposition with a small nod. "But be warned, Izaya. If I tell you, there will be a lot that's difficult to hear."

"I know…" I told him, accepting reality. "Exactly."

I couldn't tell you what made me go fishing for answers. Maybe I was tired of the faded memories flashing behind my eyelids. Maybe I hoped it'd be the final push into making me do something about my life. Perhaps I was just curious… and it didn't mean anything at all.

Whatever I would hear, I looked forward to it flipping a switch from within… because… as I watched Shizuo leave, I could swear I saw something worth holding on to.

* * *

><p><em>I'll fall down again.<em>

_And when your friends leave, oh, they get gone._

_It's such a pet peeve when you prove me wrong._


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note:** OH MAN! I'm so sorry for taking so long on updating. I just started school again after a seven month break and I'm so busy and happy and overwhelmed! On top of that, I had a convention this past weekend AND I was sick. I'm just about better now and the convention was FABULOUS.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and review! To the person who asked if I write for the DRRR!kinkmeme, I used to, but I started getting super distracted and stopped updating there. Plus, I hate the changes they made so what little I write nowadays is pretty exclusive to . To be entirely honest, I've been much more consumed by cosplay than writing, but I hope to get my flow back! I've been trying really hard.

Thank you!

* * *

><p>"Don't look at me like that!" Shinra's cheeks flushed a nice shade of carnation pink as the smoke rising from Celty's neck twisted in what can only be described as "shapes."<p>

She held out her PDA.

He giggled like a school girl. "Because it's so captivating that when you're out doing a job, it's all I'm going to think about while you're gone. I'll never get anything done like this!"

Unless I was delusional to go along with my depression, a large heart puffed through the black fog. I didn't get it.

"I love you, too."

Deciding not to interrupt their oh-so-romantic conversation, I took a seat on the couch, silently observing them as they clung to each other in a lover's embrace. Carefully, I examined the situation and its circumstances. How could a guy get it up for a headless girl? It didn't make sense. There were so many things they couldn't do. No dinner for two. He'd never hear her voice. They could never kiss. And he was okay with that. Really okay.

I suppose, in a way, that was my fault.

"I wish you could just stay here today," Shinra groaned, burying his face in her shoulder. "There's never enough time for us. We could stay in bed and -"

"Tch. Gross."

"GAH!" the couple jumped, breaking apart immediately. Celty reached out, grabbing Shinra by his lab coat just short of him falling on his ass.

Amused by how simple it was to frighten them, I smirked. I was suicidal, but I still wanted my fun before the irreversible deed was done. I could still smile, even if I was numb to its effects.

"You're awake!" Shinra stated, somewhat frantically as he readjusted his glasses.

I tried my best to look completely indifferent, especially when Celty joined me. She barely sat down before I noticed that I was thinner than she was. Let's be real, here. Yeah, the chick is smaller than I am, but I was pretty taken aback when I scanned her up and down, getting a true comparison as to how much weight I'd lost.

Celty held out her PDA to me.

[_I don't need to leave for another hour. Do you want something to eat?_]

"No… no thank you," I said, not even thinking about her offer. The response was just so… automatic. I'd grown so accustomed to turning down just about everything being handed to me.

"Yes," Shinra said, taking the seat across from me. "Izaya… don't forget why you're here."

"But I'm really not hungry," I told him.

"Your mind may not think you are, but your body is starving. And what'd you do with that IV?"

Glancing down, I watched the slow trickle of blood flow down my forearm in a crimson rivulet. The slow, glossy movement was somewhat hypnotic. Slow, steady, simple. Not surprising that it bled, either. When I woke up, I tore the fucker out, barely able to handle how it itched and burned any longer. Why he used a needle that large was beyond me.

"Pulled it out," I shrugged, as if all I had done was swat a mosquito away from my skin.

"Well, I see that!" Shinra reached for a white box beneath the coffee table. "You know, I put that needle in your arm for a reason. You can't just take it out because you feel like it."

"Of course I can. It hurt."

"Tch."

Celty got up, disappearing into the kitchen, where she began rummaging around through the pantry and refrigerator. Meanwhile, Shinra had taken her place beside me, where he began cleaning the blood from my arm and sterilizing the area.

"Do you just keep first-aid kits lying around your house?" I asked, cringing as he plunged a new needle into my veins.

"When your friends show up at your door with a myriad of medical problems, you learn to be prepared," he grinned that sadistic grin of his.

The statement was so simple, almost like he was implying that he didn't want to do this anymore. Since we were fourteen, Shizuo and I had been in and out of that place for repairs. Going to Shinra had become natural. Checking into a hospital felt more like turning ourselves in to the police than actually healing our bodies.

He left for a moment, quickly returning with new fluids to pump into my disintegrating body. I almost told him not to touch me; that I didn't need it because I was perfectly fine. Bull shit. I knew better. Not only did I know better, but I remembered that Shizuo wanted me to cooperate with the geek. So I didn't argue. I just continued to let him play doctor on me.

"So are we going to talk, or what?" I asked when he was finished.

"Mhm," Shinra nodded. "After you eat."

I leered at him in response.

"Oh, don't do that! I'm not doing it to be mean!"

"Shinra, you don't have a mean bone in your body," I rolled my eyes. "You're just a head-over-heels-in-love mega-sadist. That's what's so annoying about you."

"You'll thank me one day. Now eat that."

Feeling a presence looming over my shoulder, I tilted my head back to find Celty holding a bowl directly over my head.

I raised an uninterested eyebrow. "What is it?"

She dropped the bowl in my hands, whipping out her PDA as soon as she let it go.

[_Brown rice and two eggs_.]

"Why does everyone insist I eat eggs?" I glared at the mix.

[_Shut up and eat it_.]

For a moment, I had a staring contest with the contents of the white bowl in my hands. It wasn't a headless girl's cooking that worried me. Nor was it the food in itself. I held no real grudge against eggs… or rice. But the longer I stared at it, the weaker my stomach became. Just the idea… it was making me nauseous already. I didn't care what it was, or could have been. Food was holding no appeal. Conversely, if I didn't at least try to eat it, Shinra wasn't going to let Shizuo take me home, and I would miss out on the information I wanted.

Information…

Well, hell. Obtaining it was my job.

Begrudgingly, I took the chopsticks Celty held out to me, and began to eat. It wasn't bad for the first few minutes. Nothing heavy, at least. Just simple brown rice and eggs. Yet, with every bite I choked down, I felt my stomach shrink into an uncomfortable ball.

"I don't think I can eat any more of this…"

Shinra glanced over. "You've barely touched it."

"So what. Just looking at it is making me sick."

"Keep eating. _If_ you do puke, we'll try a new approach."

"If I puke, I'm not going to trust food ever again," I retorted.

"Don't be so dramatic. Your body is so used to being abused that it doesn't know what to do anymore." Shinra pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. A gleam of light flashed across the lenses as they caught the reflection of the sunlight through the window.

Realizing that he wasn't going to give in to my stream of complaints, I threw a few curses around, until I had no choice left but to give in. Honestly, it wasn't fair. I felt like I was being treated like an irresponsible child. Maybe I was acting like one, too. That didn't make it fair. At twenty-three, you'd think they'd respect my rights to self-abuse. It's not like they ever cared before I overdosed.

"I'm going to kill you…" I grumbled, finally making it half-way through the bowl.

"Drama queen," the doctor smirked.

Celty lifted the bowl out of my hands, replacing it with a cup of orange juice.

"Celty, he needs that."

"Do not," I huffed, happy to have the golden liquid over the monotonous flavor I'd just forced down my throat.

Before Shinra could tell me otherwise, Celty held out her PDA to him, defending me to the best of her abilities. A surge of guilt spilled out of my heart in adrenaline-form. Why was she doing this for me? Taking care of me like she wanted to? I knew she didn't. I'm pretty sure she wanted me out of there as fast as possible. Even so, her warmth never faltered.

"Okay. I'll see you tonight," Shinra half smiled in response to her typed message.

Dropping the dishes in the sink, the headless girl hid her smoke beneath her usual yellow helmet and disappeared out the front door. Shinra and I held a staring contest until we heard the shriek of her bike hit the streets.

"Are you ready to know everything?"

"Ass. I've been ready."

"Are you sure?"

My patience was thinning. I didn't like him being so evasive. "Shinra. Spill."

"Okay, okay!" he put up his hands in defeat. "I'm just worried about how you'll take it. You're... You're, well-"

"A few days ago, Shizuo told me he loves me."

"_EH?_"

"I can take it."

Opting not to ask questions regarding our relationship, Shinra overlooked the statement for the time being, even though I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to know more. "I thought you were going to die."

"So did I."

"But you don't understand…" Shinra's face fell. "I really, and I mean _really_, thought I couldn't save you. You know me. There's a lot to be said in thinking that. Feeling like I couldn't save you was probably the most terrified I've ever been in my life. I mean… _you_… Izaya."

"What difference does it make if it was me or somebody else?" I queried.

"You're an asshole. But you're still my friend. If you think I'd want to lose you, you're not as ingenious as I thought you are."

"Keep going."

"Simon didn't even knock. He busted down the door without warning, nearly scaring Celty out of her own shadow. Handing you over to us, he gave us a brief explanation of what he found, including your note. I hated looking at you and believing every word. There was no color left in you… no movement… no _life_. Remnants of vomit stained your clothes, though I imagine the rest had been washed away by the rain before you were found. Your eyes were half open, entirely glazed over. The three of us thought you were already dead. I mean, I couldn't find a pulse. Anywhere. Maybe I was just too shaken. Everything was happening so fast, but I was running out of time. _You_ were running out of time."

Shinra removed his glasses to rub his eyes. I could tell by his expression that he was summoning memories he'd rather forget. My heart sunk a bit lower… if that's at all possible.

"I almost called it."

"Called it?" I echoed, afraid to know what it meant, despite the fact that the knowledge was fully there.

He gave a small nod, not having the courage to define the term for me. I was glad he didn't when he moved forward with his story. "And then…with the emptiest eyes I've ever seen, you looked at me… From that point onward, I buried my fear as best I could to save you."

"Even though I didn't want to be saved?"

I was captured by an intense look flowing from his innocent eyes. "I didn't care if you wanted to die or not. The choice wasn't yours at the time. It was mine."

"It doesn't seem to be now either…"

"Keep in mind we almost did lose you," he warned me. "You were barely alive. It took hours to pump the poisons out of your system, and until you were coherent, I had no idea what the real damage would be. Your breathing was too shallow. Your liver was all kinds of fucked from days - maybe even weeks - of abuse. I was forcing you to hang on. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. After a night of making you purge, Celty and I were both exhausted. You were awake most of the time, but you weren't there… we couldn't figure out what more to do. I sedated you, and we made a waiting game out of the rest. All the while, we had to cover it up. Me. Celty. Simon. We agreed to hide what we knew, at least until you woke up. And then you did. Now here we are."

Processing every word, I put some pieces together in my head. Something was still missing from this picture. Shinra had something on his mind that he didn't want to speak. I saw it in his eyes. I heard it in his tone.

"Everything, Shinra. You have to tell me everything."

"That _is_ everything," he insisted.

"Bull shit. What else happened? I need to know. There are missing pieces. Holes. You have to fill them in for me. I need you to fill them in."

He shook his head, heaving a sigh. "Izaya…"

"Stop trying to skirt around it. Don't sit there, telling me the truth, if you can't tell me the whole thing. I'd rather be lied to."

Shinra's hands balled into tight fists. He didn't want to talk, but I wasn't giving him options. "You weren't here for five days before you woke up."

Curious eyes widened. A haunting chill filled the surrounding air with its ghastly tension, informing me that somewhere, in the back of my screwed up mind, I knew exactly what was going on. "What are you talking about?"

The doctor's head dropped. "You were here for two weeks… During that time you had six seizures and a heart attack. Your withdrawal was so bad your body couldn't even handle it while you were unconscious. Those weren't just painkillers, were they… Izaya…? How many drugs were you doing before you gave up entirely?"

My sunken heart shot upwards, lodging itself in my throat. Tears pricked at my eyes like needles, as I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face in regret. I couldn't even react to the glass of orange juice sliding out of my hand. Reminders of my brokenness hit hard like an electric shock, sending me straight back to Hell, and I was the one who asked for it.

* * *

><p><em>Devil eyes, stare into mine,<em>

_They say there is no place I can hide._


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** Wow. I lose track of time and things super easily these days. Life has become cosplay and studying and driving between work and school. IT'S KILLING MY BANK ACCOUNT. But at least it's worth it. I love being in school. Minus the waking up early, I actually enjoy myself. That's probably because I have cool classes and don't have to do any of that general studies "required" shit anymore.

Haaa.

Thanks for sticking with me, all. I hope you enjoy this update!

* * *

><p>It began with weed. I loved the way I didn't feel a thing when I was high. From there, the habit just took off. It wasn't strong enough though. I couldn't forget my life. I could sit there and look stupid, or have a genius revelation. I was thinking at a million miles an hour, forgetting it all when the THC dissipated out of my bloodstream. But I couldn't erase my emotions. Pills and alcohol abuse increased after that. They helped the days go by. Take a few muscle relaxers. Chase them down with booze. Spend the next several hours in a dream. Again, it wasn't enough. So I did some research, and I spoke to a few of the shadiest people I've ever met. In less than twenty-four hours, I had a dealer - an American - who was ready to hand me anything I asked for. Cocaine. Ketamine. Meth. Heroin. Anything. In return, I was his highest paying customer, and I was keeping him deep in the shadows where police couldn't quite reach.<p>

For a month straight, I pushed myself from one day to the next with a fully loaded bloodstream. And until the moment Shinra looked me dead in the eyes and asked, nobody had ever known. I didn't plan on telling them. I was ready to put it behind me. I was ready to forget. So I did.

Each hit made me a zombie, and I got to choose. I could feel great, or I could feel vacant… only to hate myself more and more every time I ran low. Towards the end, I took a look at a final few lines, perfect rows of white powder staring back at me with promise, and I knew immediately they'd be the last. For all they did to make me keep living, they were killing me slowly.

I didn't want to die that way.

"I'll never do it again…" I promised myself after several hours of silence. As difficult as it was to confess, I couldn't stay mute forever.

"Why did you start?" Shinra asked, glancing up from his laptop. I couldn't remember him getting up to fetch it from his office. As soon as he called me out on my self-destructive sin, I went blank.

"To bury the heartache. Why else? But they made it worse."

"And your feelings haven't changed… Izaya…"

"Hnn?"

"I really should commit you. Psychology isn't my thing… And you have a drug problem."

Did I not just say I'd never do it again?

"You crazy? Or stupid?" I glared at him, wiping my tears from my eyes with my sleeve. "Had. I _had_ a drug problem. It's done now. What? Celty didn't tell you that I turned down a hit?"

"She did… but…"

"'But' what?"

"Given your state of mind, you can't honestly tell me you wouldn't do it if you felt low enough."

"You don't know that."

Looking at me apologetically, I could tell he meant well. Shinra always meant well, even when he pulled the craziest shit, like passing off his girlfriend's head because he loves her the way she is. This innocent, wicked demeanor of his made it impossible for me to actually become angry with him.

"You can't be trusted with yourself anymore. Understand, it's not personal."

I sniffed, doing my best to suck up my emotions. "It was a mistake. A bad, bad mistake, Shinra."

"And if you're on your own, you don't think there's a chance you'll go back to it?"

I shook my head, giving a determined "no" as my answer. While the chance of suicide still weighed heavy on my mind, I wasn't going to do it with drugs. I'd make sure there was nobody to save me. Not to mention, spending another month watching my life disintegrate while I took hit after hit of brain frying substances didn't sound fun. I didn't want to die both alone and stupid.

But we all die alone, don't we?

"Would you say you're doing better with Shizuo?"

"Better than when I was chemically happy? Hell yes, I would." I gave a nod. I didn't even have to think it over. I just knew.

"Do you love him back?"

"What's with Twenty Questions?" I shot. "It's more complicated than that. So don't go blabbing to him about this. Because when I figure it out, I want to tell him myself."

"You want to?" Shinra double-checked, as if I made some sort of Freudian slip.

I didn't. I meant it.

"I do."

Shinra stared at me, incredulous, for a moment as he tried to take it in, like he wanted to believe it was all possible. However, he, like me, was so used to putting up with my hopelessness, that any improvement felt like a fairytale. We were all too busy wishing on stars instead of making the wishes come true for ourselves. At least… I was.

Feeling drained of both energy and proper emotion, I slipped out of the scene and back into the makeshift hospital room, ready to sleep away the remainder of the day until Shizuo could bust me out. Shinra didn't question it. He could see it in my eyes just as well as I could feel it in my soul. I wished I could have foreseen the dramatic turn the day was destined to take. Sometimes, being prepared isn't enough. You can prepare for the pain all you want. That doesn't mean it will hurt less.

I would have given up everything and more to slip back into the dreams of a better life. Sadly, I had been spending way more time asleep than awake. My eyes didn't want to close.

Instead, I kept myself focused on the world outside; watching through the window as the day passed by... watching birds come and go by their own accord.

There were so many things weighing on my mind which needed to be processed. Nothing new there. Important, just as they always were... I thought about things that nobody should be thinking about at twenty-three, like the number of holes I burned into my brain in such a short amount of time, or if I would ever possess the strength I once had. If I'd ever be able to scale rooftops, or run through the city without breaking a sweat, without my heart exploding from mistreatment. Would I have to treat myself the same way everybody else treated me? Like a porcelain doll, easily shattered beyond repair? I didn't want to live that way. I _couldn't_ live that way. For somebody like me - desperate to be extraordinary - it wouldn't be a life at all. I'd rather burn in Hell, where I belonged, than live like a caged bird.

But for the past few months, since giving in to intoxicating habits, that's exactly what I had become... A caged bird... restraining myself from taking flight for fear that flight would kill me. I clipped my own wings. Now, I was dying just to live again... to breathe... to love...

Reality sure knows how to kick some ass.

I never actually realized how rejected... how lonely... I felt. Sure, I felt alone... But to sink so far down? So far that I'd touch a mind-numbing substance? Me? Of all the crazy bastards in this world, _me_? And if it isn't bad enough that I did it, I completely tossed away the intestinal fortitude to face the demons I created.

That in itself hurt more than anything...

Regret forcefully pushed down on my heart. I had never despised myself more than in those quiet moments of revelation. Though, it was an angry loathing; not the type I had been living with for so long. Not the melancholy feeling of emptiness...

"The pain never really goes away... but it does get easier."

My eyelids draped shut in tune with a heavy sigh. "Easier? _Easier_ would take a lifetime."

"Nah. You just need something to focus on."

"Like what?"

"Could be a friend... a pet... or maybe even a relationship. Someone else, y'know? Focus your heart on them so that you don't focus hate on yourself."

I rolled over to look at him, confused by wise words. He always was more than I gave him credit for. Sometimes, I hated him just for his habit of saying the right thing at the right time. "How long have you been standing there?"

"A minute or two. Sorry... I should have called. But Shinra said-"

"Shinra talks too much."

Yet, over the past few hours, I couldn't remember hearing his voice.

"Yeah. He does..."

I raked my eyes over him, momentarily settling on his damaged hand. There was an alarm going off somewhere in the back of my mind, telling me we'd have to talk sooner or later.

"I'm sorry, Izaya. I can't stay long. Tom is waiting for me downstairs."

"Oh..." I frowned, having hoped he was here to get me out.

The feeling was mutual, and we could both feel the remnants of tension left over from our argument. It was scribbled all across his face. He wanted to go home as much as I did. "I just wanted to check on you after Shinra called. He said you ate this morning, so I brought you lunch."

"Thanks..."

Nervously, his eyes dropped to his feet as simply as they always did when he was nervous. "Eat it, okay? I want you home tonight."

Those words were difficult to read, challenging me to decide if my heart was fluttering in excitement, or trying like hell to run away before the opportunity passed me by. So many times, I watched him, wishing I had his strength. With it came the ability to stand his ground in any situation, to tackle it head-on. To never give up until he won.

I was the only challenge he could never beat… the only obstacle he couldn't eliminate. And he was mine.

Feeling like there was nothing left to be said, he took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, and turned to leave. Such a simple touch, it was… enough to leave me desperate for more.

"Shizuo..." I stopped him. Curious desire left questions to be answered floating between us.

"Hmm?" he responded, stopping at the door.

He swiveled half-way around.

"How do you know all of that? About the pain, I mean..."

He was quiet for a moment while he fought the smile tugging hard at the corners of his mouth. "What do you think I did?"

Damn it... How could I be so selfish? How could I be so blind?

* * *

><p><em>There's 24 reasons to admit that I'm wrong.<em>

_With all my excuses still 24 strong._

_See, I'm not copping out. _

_I'm not copping out._

_Not copping out._

_When you're raising the dead in me. _


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note:** I'M DYING! DYING OF BOTH PAIN AND EXCITEMENT! Cramps suck and suddenly hit me like a freight train, but aside from that, this weekend was absolutely WONDERFUL. I did a photo shoot for my new Izaya cosplay. I had changed almost everything about it. New shirt. New jeans. New coat. Even new hair as opposed to my last shoots. It was SO fun. But also bittersweet since my friend, who took the pictures, is leaving for school in a week. He did an amazing job just as he always does, though. So many good shots. Hardly a picture I don't like. One of my other friends came with us and we got some great shots of her and she took some pretty amazing pictures as well.

Oh... Also! I've been meaning to get to this for a while, but a lot of people have asked me what the italicized letters at the end (and sometimes beginning) of chapters are. They're song lyrics. If you want to know who they're by, copy and paste the lyrics into your search engine of choice, or wait until the end when I post the list of songs I have. I say this because it really is difficult to message a bunch of people with different songs when most of the time I don't remember what song is in whichever chapter you're curious about.

SO.

I have school in a few hours and I need to sleep. I'll shut up and let you enjoy this update in whatever way you see fit.

THANK YOU!

PS- I've been trying really hard for THREE days to update this, but I continuously fall asleep. |:

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><p><em>I helped you out of yourself, and right back in.<em>

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><p>"I know Shinra said I should eat healthy, but…"<p>

Staring at the colorful assortment of ingredients laid out before me, I absentmindedly spun the kitchen knife around my fingertips out of habit. When it came to a blade, flipping them in my hands had a way of helping me gather thoughts. It was my method of focus. I did what came naturally to me, I suppose.

"Gah!" Shizuo grumbled, as I rolled the sharp edge over my knuckles. "Will you _stop_ doing that?"

"Huh? Shit!" I glanced up, losing what I thought was becoming a breakthrough.

The chair shrieked as he was on high alert to put out any fires or clean up any blood… specifically _my_ fires, and _my_ blood.

"Sit down!" I commanded. "I'm fine!"

"Ugh. You're making me nervous."

Throwing the knife down on the cutting board, I spun around, shooting him a glare. "What do you think I'm going to do? Stab myself in the chest with you five feet away?"

"No! I just don't want you to hurt yourself!"

"Same difference." I narrowed my eyes, pushed up my sleeves, and readjusted my glasses before turning back to my masterpiece in progress.

Two days prior, I had left Shinra's apartment with a few more goals set for myself. The first was that I agreed to start eating again. I was ill because I made myself ill. I could eat if I made myself eat. Second, I wanted energy. Having figured that a large portion of my melancholy was derived from too much sleep, and too little food, changing my habits for the sake of feeling my body return to normal was a good step. Third, I wasn't going to be so difficult. Shizuo didn't need my stubbornness. Frankly, I didn't either. Included in that, I was doing my best to take his advice. As much as I hated who I had become, I wasn't the only one in the world hurting. I wasn't the only one in our rocky relationship hurting…

The third was the most difficult, and taking the longest to master. My second goal was gradual; not in desperate need of attention. As for the first, I had spent the last couple days following Shinra's "advice" for healthy eating. His list of vegetables and meats containing specific types of nutrients was good enough as a rough guideline. However, in order to rule my own life, I had to play by my own set of rules. There was only so much brown rice my stomach could handle.

"Y'know, you _really_ don't have to go all out like this," Shizuo stated.

"It's not that I _have_ to," I shrugged. "I _want_ to. Then again…"

"What?"

"I sort of rushed in without a plan." I scratched my head. "Now, I don't know what to make."

"It doesn't matter."

"No?"

"It'll be good. You know what you're doing."

"Hm… Says the man who just pissed himself over a lazy knife trick."

Keeping my back turned to him, I hid the blended expression of bewilderment and curiosity crashing into a roll of the eyes. Since I had returned, he was being incredibly affectionate, to the point where I had nearly forgotten what the Shizu-chan I was familiar with was like. Slightly uncomfortable by his change in attitude, I kept myself on high alert. We still hadn't discussed the argument, which, to be honest, felt more and more tempting to abruptly start a conversation about.

"There are only eight days left. What if I decide I love your cooking and I can't survive without it?"

"Ha!" I was immediately a bit too sarcastic. "If that's the case you'll have to come to Shinjuku."

"Seriously? You wouldn't even consider staying here?" His voice was stricken by disappointment.

"Shizu-chan, you realize I live where I work?"

"Yeah," he grumbled, "You also live with that damn woman. She reminds me of a snake."

"Namie? Perhaps a garden snake, ne? She's harmless." Yet, something about her name provided me with a foul taste in my mouth. "OH! I GOT IT!"

"Eh?"

"Okonomiyaki," I grinned, digging around in the pantry for flour, feeling victorious when I found it buried in the back behind cups of ramen.

"You know how to make it?"

"I'm Orihara Izaya," I leered, feeling hints of a lost confidence returning to me. "What don't I know?"

Proud of my culinary skills, I twirled the knife a few more times, and got started on the batter. As I invested myself in my cooking, I tried to piece myself together. Shizuo's attitude was putting me in an uncomfortably - if not a bit sarcastic - good mood while I did my very best not to think about myself. I needed a change, though I never expected passing out after a fight would really trigger a wake-up call. I could sense a dramatic change on the horizon.

"Hey, Shizu-chan," I grabbed his attention as I poured the thick mix onto a hot teppan. "Come here and tell me what you want on this."

Doing as told, he towered over my shoulder, examining his options. "Bacon."

"That's it?" I crinkled my eyebrows.

Trapping me between his arms as he so often did, Shizuo pushed himself into my back. His breath was hot across my neck, awakening goose bumps on my arms. "Hmm. Cheese too."

"Uh…" I lost myself to his heart beating into my upper back, directly behind my own heart.

He buried his face in my neck, sending his warm exhales over my collarbone and down my v-cut shirt. I hated loving how being so close felt so good, leaving me to momentarily wonder if the old Orihara Izaya was seeping through the cracks of the new me. I couldn't hate Shizuo anymore. But I could hate the feelings he instilled.

"And green onions," he added, reaching his hand over mine to add them to the grilling mix. My body froze as his dragged over mine. We were so close, with nothing but a few thin layers of clothing separating us, that it burned my skin to feel his body traveling over mine. "For an extra kick."

My breath hitched. Shizuo placed his hands on my hips, the one still bandaged from punching the wall, and pressed himself hard into my torso. I could feel the beginnings of sexual deviance rising with every breath to swirl past my ear. Predatory, wanton dominance was slowly awakening within him. As much as I wanted to surrender myself, right then and there, a burning sensation in my chest told me to be wary. I didn't feel capable of leaping into anything just yet. Now wasn't the time.

"Mmm. Smells good," he inhaled as I flipped our dinner to cook the other side. However, I had a strange voice in the back of my head telling me that he wasn't commenting on the food.

"Yeah..." I muttered, rolling my shoulders to signify my need for space.

Shizuo backed away, and I shook off the goose bumps left behind by his touch.

"What's wrong?" he queried, sounding injured.

"Nothing," I took the direction of a half-lie. "I don't want to get distracted, or I'll mess up."

I must have seemed so cold, not turning around to give him a reassuring smile. I really couldn't help it. The sweet gestures were nice. I wanted them. But to accept them without earning an apology made them feel more undeserved than they already were.

"I hate it when you bullshit me, Flea," he confessed, slumping back into his seat at the table.

"It's not really a lie," I shrugged. "I feel fine for the most part."

"Are you thinking about 'it' again? "

That's right. We were trying to fall in the habit of calling my suicidal tendencies 'it' because the actual words put us in a darker place than we wanted to be. Both Shizuo and I agreed that the simple, two-letter word made a bleak situation feel slightly more hopeful. Terminology, such as "suicide, "offing," and "death," had a way of sending me into a melancholy daze which kept me in bed for an extra few hours. Sleep was no longer qualified to be my safety net.

I hung my head, breathing heavily. "How many times have we been over this? Always."

"Has it gotten any better?"

My lips curled into a tiny smile. "Yes."

"Then what is it that has you acting so strangely tonight? Am I bothering you?"

Checking the underside of the Okonomiyaki, I decided they were done and scooped them onto individual plates as I considered the best way to begin a past due conversation with my... whatever Shizuo was to me.

"No, that's not it," I told him, balancing the two plates in one hand while I fished through the refrigerator for the right alcohol to calm my spazzing nerves. I could feel his eyes all over me.

He caught me by the eyes as I emerged from the depths of the cold metal box with two beer bottles in my hand. "Then what is it? And you shouldn't be drinking if you still have those thoughts."

"Damn, Shizu-chan. If I had known you were as talkative as Shinra, I never would have agreed to this."

"Stop trying to change the subject. I hate that too."

"Ugh. It's a casual drink. And I've learned my lesson with self-medicating."

"What does that even mean?"

Without breaking eye-contact, I set both plates on the table and took a seat adjacent from him. There was no way I was straying into that specific conversation yet. I concealed it, choosing the now-or-never route to discuss our own incident. "It isn't that I don't want you... because I do."

"Get to the point."

I could sense his impatient irritation as I attempted to drag out the topic. He was taking my rejection personally this time, finding it difficult to equate it to my personal suffering. In all fairness, this was a difficult conversation that I was blindly walking into. Who could foresee the end results? For all I knew, I was leading us into a trap worse than the last one.

Fearing that hiding from him would only give way to another hurtful argument, I took a decent swig of liquid courage, and confessed. "I'm uncomfortable pretending that our fight never happened."

"We're pretending that none of them ever happened."

"I know."

"So what's your point?"

"Think about it, Shizuo." My frown deepened. "This most recent one is different. You know that."

Dropping the magnetic pull that kept our gaze locked on one another, Shizuo's nervous habit of looking down. Awkward uncertainty flooded the scene. "I'm sorry... I know."

"I don't want to avoid it. It wasn't one of our old, violent rendezvous."

"And if it was...?'

"You wouldn't have stopped yourself from hitting me... And it wouldn't have hurt as much as the things you said."

"I have no desire to hit you, Izaya. We both messed up... I was pissed off that you didn't show up, but I didn't stop to think that you'd be uncomfortable. There's no point in staying bitter when we have to take our own share of the blame."

"I _hid_ from you, though... I was so concerned with everybody else that I took the one thing - _person_ - that really mattered and stomped your good will into the dirt. I'm sorry… Shizu-chan… I'm sorry…"

"Iz…"

"I'm not ready… I'm not ready." I repeated, stabbing my meal with resentment as I imagined the plate of Okonomiyaki to be my own reflection. "For all I know, I'll be dead in two weeks. I don't want to fall into something like that… And even if I did know what the future holds… If I'm going down, I'm doing it alone. You're not coming with me."

"You're going to have to elaborate."

"Do you think this city would let us survive if they knew what goes on behind closed doors?"

Shizuo was silent for a long while as I waited for a response. "No…" he solemnly answered when the apprehension was almost too much to handle.

"I don't either…"

"But if you were even half of who you used to be, we would be too strong for the city to take us down."

"That is only wishful thinking…"

"Our street fights alone do more damage than we could do if this was made public. We're infamous."

"You don't see it, Shizuo. If anyone had seen us, in my condition, your strength doesn't matter. Humans don't need muscle to win. A good rumor will do just fine. I don't want to put that on you if I may not last."

"Stop talking like you'll be dead tomorrow…" He pleaded, closing his eyes to chase the thought from his mind.

"I'm not. But I can't promise that I'll be here either."

"I shouldn't have pushed you the way I did. It was wrong. Even though I don't think this city stands a chance against us, I never thought about the consequences of taking our relationship beyond a safe haven. We think on opposite sides of a spectrum. And I'll admit it… I said the worst compilation of words I've ever said to anyone..."

"I des-"

"Don't," he cut me off. "Don't say you deserved them. You don't. At all. If anyone should be sorry for what happened, it's me. You did as I should have expected you to."

"Tch... that doesn't make me feel less guilty..."

"You and I live by instinct. Yours told you to run away…"

"Right now, I'm banking on you being the one to keep me from running," I growled, angry at myself for how pathetic I felt.

"And why do you think you need me."

"Don't play therapist, Shizu-chan. You know why." Somehow, I managed to keep the shiver running up my spine hidden from the brute as the answer swam in circles inside my head. _Because you're the only reason I have to stay tied to this world…_

"Then let's settle on both of us being sorry for the whole thing, learn from it, and hope it never happens again."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please. Who do you think you're talking to?"

"What does that mean?" A devilish smirk spread across his lips.

"If we stay like this, there are going to be a lot more fights than just that one."

"You think so?"

"Probably," I gestured.

"I don't care."

"No?"

"I told you, didn't I? We're _going_ to screw up. We _are_ screwed up."

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"I'm not gonna dwell on it... because now I know what it's like to be without you... and it's really fucking difficult to sleep."


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's Note:** Omg. I'm so sorry. On top of school eating me alive, I am the most easily distracted person. Uuuuugh. Everything is a distraction!

Thank you for sticking with me and enjoying this for a 3rd time, or a first!

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><p>What made Shizuo and I hate each other for so long seemed so irrelevant in the face of the new questions that plagued my thoughts. Rather than figuring out the past, I wanted to know the present. And fuck the future, because thinking too far ahead always results in more stress than a person needs to be burdened by. Looking at him, the past was gone. I wanted to know… What turned us into this…?<p>

I thought about it over and over, constantly keeping it alive in my thoughts, because it usually dragged my mind away from thoughts of death.

Once we began to fall, we only continued to gain speed.

As neither of us could have predicted, our mixed emotions were turning into something purely uncontrollable, with every intention of turning us inside out. How unfair… We didn't even have the chance to stand our ground with a firm "no" as an answer to a question nobody ever bothered to ask us. We just fell into it, equipped with weak hearts rather than clear minds.

Two weeks was all it took to get him to say he loved me… but I never asked for love. I was completely willing to throw myself away before he rode in on his white horse. Now… I was standing at the fork in the road, wondering which path would be the better choice.

"Five days left, y'know," said Shizuo, walking out of the bathroom, shirtless with a towel draped around his shoulders and small beads of water clinging to his smooth skin and golden hair.

"Already?" I asked, glancing up from my phone just long enough for his sultry image to sink in.

For reasons unknown, I had spent the last hour scrolling through and separating important emails and text messages from more mediocre notes. Shizuo was opposed to the idea of my return to work; however, even if I planned to leave my job behind, I was still drawn by my curious nature to the desires of humans seeking out information. As awful as I was, I expressed no desire to change careers. If love conquered death, I had decided information would always be the business to keep me connected to my obsession. Maybe I wouldn't pit humans against each other as I had once done, but I was unwilling to entirely let them go.

"Yeah…"

"It hardly seems real. Twenty-five days…"

"I know. Today went by too fast."

I flipped my phone shut with a snap. My eyes traveled beyond the window, to the image of the sun casting an orangey hue over the city as the day faded into dusk. Our day had actually been a simple one. Shizuo woke up late for work, skipping it all together.

We ended up involving ourselves in a serious round of _Persona 3_ and noodle cups until five o'clock; living like teens who just didn't give a fuck. When we had reached the hierophant boss during the third full moon, Shizuo began to lose his temper with the video game. He was a shitty gamer, but I didn't care. I left him with his grudge against the boss to take a shower, not expecting him to join me soon after.

"Heh… Haven't they all?" I replied, breaking out of my overview of the day.

"No… just the good ones."

"You realize there have been very few good days for us, Shizu-chan?"

"You didn't enjoy today?" he asked, worry coating his voice.

When I didn't answer, he sat on the coffee table, directly in front of me. Sad eyes reflected back and forth. I didn't want this to end, yet at the same time, I couldn't wait to get out… to have _freedom_ again. I wanted to return to the life where I made my own decisions, uninhibited by the desires of others. If I was going to be in a relationship with Shizuo, it would be because I wanted to without our living conditions affecting the decisions made. We couldn't go on like this forever. I had given into him so many times just by that all too dominating look, and I didn't want to be dominated.

Shizuo was desperate to hold on to me, even if I couldn't see what he was seeing. Whatever feelings I had towards him were hazy, as if shrouded by an uncertain fog; that fog being my own depravity beget by suicidal predispositions.

"Do you still wanna die?" he asked me, breaking the usual magnetic pull in our eyes.

Exasperated, I slid off of the couch, unceremoniously making myself comfortable by resting my head in his lap and coiling my arms around his leg.

"The desire hasn't faltered…" I told him.

"What about me?"

Cringing toward the agony in his voice, I tightened my grip on his leg. The silent response was enough for him to feel my ambiguity.

"I see…"

"We still have five days…" I breathed. "Don't give up on me yet."

"I'm not," he assured me, dragging his long, lithe fingers through my hair. "I may even be more hopeful…"

"Ha… Sure…" I jeered. "Don't be delusional Shizu-chan."

He grumbled, discontented by my rejection. "Shut up, Izaya."

Forcing a smile, I muttered, "Sorry…"

"Can't I keep you here? I don't want this month to end if you're just gonns go home to die…"

Sitting up, I shot him a look, throwing his hand away from me. "You don't know that I will!"

"I can't trust that you won't," he remained in his morose calm. "If you kill yourself all of this will have been a waste. I'll have failed you."

"Is that my reason for today?" I huffed, for lack of anything better to say.

"Yes," he shot, angrily reaching for the cigarettes sitting beside him on the table.

"At the rate you light those things, you could join me soon."

"Not soon enough," he growled before taking a long drag. "I don't want you to go unless I know you'll be okay… Unless I _know_…"

I waited impatiently for him to finish his sentence, until it was clear that Shizuo wasn't sure what he wanted to say - or how to say it.

"Why do you love me?" I inquired, instantly sensing the strain between us triple.

"Iz…" he groaned.

"How can I be sure of my feelings for you - how will I know they outweigh the resentment towards myself - if you don't know why you feel this way? You can't love me because I'm ill. Illnesses get better. What would you do then?"

With the cigarette hanging from his soft lips, Shizuo buried his face in his hands. It was like asking an astronaut why the planets rotate around the sun; not the scientific answer - but the actual reason… the purpose for which some things happen the way they do. Had my mind been in the right place, I would have realized that it was a ridiculous question to ask. Reasons were tricky business. As an informant, I should have known that without thinking. Humans were always after justifications for actions and convictions, no matter how farfetched they seemed.

Similar to an internet search engine, I was the worst - always having to know everything about anyone. Years of collecting information on both strangers and my own relationships, the one person I knew more about than anything else in this world, was Heiwajima Shizuo. Not only did I know every bit of gen I could dig up, I never sold any. As I was ultimately a voracious person when it came down to the facts. With Shizuo keeping my highest interest, there was never appeal in giving him away. Those details belonged to me alone.

Alas, for all I knew of him, whether gained by experience or paid for through social links, twenty-five days of living together couldn't tell me why he loved me after years of malevolence flitting through our bloodstreams as if charged by electrical currents.

"Why shouldn't I?" he finally answered, revealing to me bloodshot eyes from a weak attempt to fend off tears.

Knowing my heavy deprivation weighed him down, I never considered the idea that Shizuo was stifling tears of his own. He had never cried, as a look of painful angst usually painted his face. I didn't even know he had tears. Damn it. I hated myself more and more each time I recognized how blind I can be. While they weren't much in the way of crying, they were still clear in divulging the judgments in his own mind. I needed to look more often. I needed to see.

In the meantime, Shizuo's question warranted a legitimate response.

"Don't be an idiot," I recoiled. "You have zero reason to care about me."

"No," he shook his head, rubbing the salty tears out of his eyes, "I have _every_ reason to care. I've _always_ cared… about where you are, what you're doing, and what approach you'll take to ruin my day…"

"Essentially, it's the way you care about me that changed. Is that right?"

"I know… it sounds so wrong."

I smirked. "Not wrong… just stupid. I used to spend so much time hiding in the shadows to hide from you, but you always found me."

"That's because you started getting predictable."

"So why? What turned loathing into love?"

"It sounds more simple than it is… but… I realized that if you died, I'd have nothing left to live for."

"Shizu-chan?" I stared desperately into his eyes, wordlessly telling him that he was insane.

"Seriously… Why hate a person who defines me?"

"I… define you?"

He shrugged. "Yeah… more or less."

"You're right," I smirked, "It is easier said than understood… even for me…"

"After so many years of being my main target, how could I lose you now? You make up a good seventy-five percent of my life. You're a constant for me. We've been at each other's throats for so long, trying to destroy each other, that we never thought about what we'd do if one of us were to die."

"Heh… I have."

Shizuo pulled back a bit. "Oh?"

"I always thought, if you died, I'd rule this city… I'd be untouchable without you to stand in my way."

"Do you still think that way?" He was incredulous.

"No," I shook my head. "How could I, when I can't even stand up on my own half the time?"

"Point taken…"

"Hm…"

"Do you get it now, Iz?" he wondered, hopeful. "After that sort of exposé, I don't really get to hate you."

"I think you're the only one."

"Damn it. How many times do you have to say that? It's not true. What about your sisters? And everyone who has helped you over the past month? You can't honestly say nobody cares after all of us have been here for you…"

"I hate it when you're smart," I mumbled for the billionth time.

For the first time in months, he had given me something that actually made sense to me. He had given me rationalizations in a way I never envisioned possible from him… him… of all people. Of all of the truths I'd denied, I could never turn away from Shizuo's. Not an immoral cell existed in his body, while I was a crooked being, made up of twists and lies. Condemned by my own wickedness left me with no other alternative than to take in his affirmation with credence. When I was no longer able to distinguish my own truths from my own lies, he had come through.

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><p><em>Is it any surprise that you feel so overrun?<em>

_When all this time you had no one to tell you how to love?_

_Do you think it's unwise to go and break yourself on this one?_

_When all this time you didn't know love._


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note:** Hi. Excuse me while school eats me alive. I keep forgetting to update. By the time I'm done with homework/work I just want to do mindless things, like reblog everything I see and not think anymore. I'm so tired. haha.

So I am very sorry for making you all wait on this. I am bad.

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><p>"I can't believe this is it…"<p>

Even with my back turned, I knew the look on Shizuo's face. It was the inflection in his voice that always gave him away. Being the type of man who only said what was on his mind, when it was on his mind, I had come to figure out what each expression and each tone meant, be it that he stood directly before me, or twenty blocks away over the phone. During the month we had spent together, I learned more about the one who I once perceived as a monster than I had in over seven years of street fights, including that when we were alone together, he was much more conversational than anywhere else.

"You're really leaving…" he breathed, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

Collecting a couple of shirts from his bedroom floor, I turned to meet his eyes. They were half-lidded, as if he was in mourning. Maybe mine would have been too, if I were in his position. The last five days came and went faster than we were prepared for. Now, I was gathering my personal belongings to take my leave. Nothing he said could have made me stay; however, I wasn't throwing in the towel just yet.

"I'm going home, Shizu-chan," I reminded him, dropping the clothes on top of my bag. "I need to."

"Need… or _want_?"

"Does it matter? My apartment is better than yours, and I kind of miss it," I joked.

"That's not funny."

"I'm sorry… I have to go. There's a lot of work to be done, and I can only trust Namie for so long. She's probably burned all my files by now. I can't stay here."

"But you…"

Feeling a strong burning in my chest, I placed my hands on his shoulder and bent down to leave a kiss on his forehead. Shizuo sunk into the touch as if it were the last thing he'd ever feel before going numb. His heart was ready to freeze over like the Alaskan tundra.

"You've known since the beginning that I wouldn't stay," I reminded him with a strenuous sigh.

He shrugged, hopelessly. "I thought you'd change your mind."

I shook my head. "No… I haven't."

"And you still want to…"

"I do…"

His eyes were piercing as they met mine, pleading with me not to go. Fear backed his pleas. He was expecting this to be a permanent goodbye from the moment I stepped into the world on my own. It was the sort of feeling you'd expect from a parent – a brand of affection that I'd never experienced.

"I do…" I reiterated. "But I won't."

Twisting his strong arms around my waist, he leaned into my torso, dying not to let go. "How do I know that? You haven't made a decision yet, have you?"

"No… maybe… sort of… I…"

"Don't go home if you're not planning on waking up tomorrow," he begged.

A strange warmth absorbed into my shirt, down to my skin. He was crying. As much as I wanted to cry too, I bit my tongue, forcing myself to remain focused on a pain other than heartache. I know I wasn't being fair to either of us by making this decision, but I could not see a change if I stayed. I didn't know if I'd get better if I left myself to hide beneath his protection.

"Promise me something, Shizuo…" I said, choosing not to use my nickname for him. I needed him to take me seriously.

"Anything…" he whispered, gripping me tighter.

"Promise to trust me."

"I do, Izaya. I already do."

"Good," I nodded. "Don't lose it."

I stood there, allowing him to cling to me for the last time, unable to understand the attachment he felt for me, as I was still unable to reciprocate it. Even with his reasons, I couldn't take the same idea and transmute it into love. I was incapable, still feeling detached from the rest of the world, much like I had as a child, minus the blissful fascination which kept me hanging on.

He once hated me enough to pelt me in the head with vending machines, grinning toward his proud accomplishments each time he made me bleed. As he held on, a part of me wished he'd go back to that. To hating me, so I wouldn't feel so guilty when I couldn't say to him three small words, whose meanings were worth more than even the most fabulous riches the world can offer.

_Damn it._

Why, at the end of our adventure, could I still not tell him everything I wanted to hear myself say? Why was it that I couldn't believe it?

"Damn it all…" I hissed, stepping back, breaking our connection. He was so reluctant to let go. I felt like I was repossessing everything he owned, like a debt collector of sorts. "This shouldn't feel so bad… _This_ shouldn't hurt…"

"I agree…" Shizuo tried to laugh through tears.

"Give me time, okay?"

"Time? Thirty days wasn't long enough?"

"No," I shook my head. "Not quite."

"Know what that means… It means I failed you…"

"Not at all. I'm still alive because of you."

"Then stay!"

"Fuck… Shizuo, that's not what I mean!"

"Then explain what you mean!"

Defeated, I fell against the wall. "I do want to die. That hasn't changed. And truthfully, had it not been for you and your desire to play hero, I would be gone by now. Hell, I'd be nothing more than a memory. Worst of all, I would be okay with that. You know how competitive I am? I feel like I'm being offered a challenge that I don't want to take… a very tempting challenge. Yet, somehow, things are different. The more I process how I could go home to die, the more difficult it sounds. It's like a puzzle. There are hundreds of pieces, and you think that with all the different shapes and colors it should really be easy to put together, but as soon as you get started, you realize you had no idea what kind of challenge you were in for. Colors begin to blur, and all of the shapes start to look the same. It's more enigmatic than it appears."

"What are you saying?" he growled, barely lifting his head to see me through messy blond hair.

"I'm going home to pick up my life where I left off… before I fell…"

Furrowing his brows in confusion, Shizuo tried to understand what I had barely explained. "You're going back to the life you regret?"

"Not exactly. I'm starting over. There are changes to be made."

"Changes don't mean shit as long as you're gone."

Pushing myself away from the wall, I put myself back into Shizuo's loving arms, despite the way he bitterly flinched as I did so. "Just because I'm leaving your apartment doesn't mean I'm leaving you."

"Why leave at all then?"

"Because, Shizu-chan," I explained, wondering if I'd ever run my fingers through his hair again, "I need time to be on my own right now… I need time to think without the influence of one factor or another. I need to trust myself again. My head knows what it wants, you know? But my heart and soul are still so confused. Until there's a unanimous agreement, I can't fully give myself to either you or death. I want to die, but I won't… not if you stay with me. I'm sick. Maybe my body is starting to look better, but my mind is still in a very dark place." These, I recognized were the first clear thoughts I'd had in months. "I _want_ to die… so in order to keep living, I need to know that you're with me… even while I separate myself from you."

"How long do you need?" he mumbled, reaching up the back of my shirt; dragging his fingers down my spine.

"As long as it takes for me to come back with the same feelings you have for me…"

"That could take a lifetime…"

"Would you wait?"

"What else would I do?" he scoffed.

"I don't know," I closed my eyes, imagining a future where Shizuo was perfectly happy without me crashing the party that was his life. Party…? No… that's not right. Regardless… "You could find a beautiful woman who doesn't drive you crazy."

"How boring…" he grunted his disapproval.

"A month ago, it's what you would have wanted. Someone to love you without pissing you off like I tend to do."

"A lot can change."

"Everything can change…"

"Do you really have to go?"

I sighed. "Stop fighting to make me stay… You're making this more difficult than it has to be."

"I can't help it… you have no idea how empty this place is without you."

"You'll get used to it. I promise."

"As long as you come back… come back smiling the way you used to…"

"_Smiling_…?" a raised a brow.

"Yeah… that demonic grin that pisses me off so much… with the laugh to match."

How could he miss that? How could he want me like that? Every time, he was livid beyond control, desperate to take out his adrenaline-fueled angst on the closest object. Could he still love me with that smile? Could he still want me with that maniacal sound?

I pulled away again, returning to packing my things. When it was all said and done, Shizuo still had his eyes on me, still begging me to stay. His word choice didn't match his expression. I knew better this time than to give in. Giving in would keep my feelings at a constant when we both knew I had to change. If I didn't escape this, I would never know. The unorganized feelings flowing in a cycle from my chest to my head would never be sorted. They would stay in this hurricane pattern until I was eaten alive by them. This, I knew, would surely kill me.

Hoping he had enough trust in me, I'd go back to Shinjuku. Unraveling from him for a while was the last chance I had to save myself. For I longed to know just how my miserable existence would play out if he wasn't there to stop me from my own haunting thoughts. If I lived, I knew the cause would be him… because what he was offering to me was much better than the pros of death. I was leaving in order to realize this.

"I have to go now…" I mumbled, throwing my bag over my shoulder.

Listless, Shizuo stayed in place, apparently having nothing more to say. Finally understanding that no amount of pleading, love, and tears could keep me from returning to Shinjuku, I sensed that he was making a sorry attempt to pretend the hurt was gone. However, unlike his brother, he had no talent for acting, and I could see straight through him. Whatever feelings he had for me, he wanted to ignore them.

Frowning, I took his face in my hands, bringing his eyes up to mine. As a final goodbye, I watched the steel orbs prepare to glaze over before pushing my lips into his, moaning slightly into his mouth as the contact was reciprocated; reveling at the sensation of his smooth tongue dragging across my bottom lip.

One last kiss… my heart was on fire…

Breaking the connection, I pulled back with a small smile playing at my lips.

Leaving him on the bed, I backed out of the room and slipped out the door, hoping that this last kiss would evolve into the first of a new life. Nevertheless, I was more than aware that hopes and wishes don't take us very far. It's the chase that gets us were we want to be.

Checking my cell phone, ready for clients sooner than I expected, I made my way down the stairs. As soon as I escaped this building, I'd be free, ready to clear my head of whatever toxins infected my thoughts. Ready to make decisions without those desperate gazes to tell me whether they were wrong or right. My life was my own.

"WAIT! IZAYA!" he called from the top of the staircase.

Stopping on the final step, I turned to take a final look. "Yeah?"

"I almost forgot!"

"What is it?"

"Reason thirty? Don't you want it?"

For a moment, I thought about his offer, remembering a similar situation thirteen days previous. I smiled at the memory. "No," I said, shaking my head. "I don't."

"What? Why not?"

"It's written in your eyes."

* * *

><p><em>I'm on fire when you're near me.<em>

_I'm on fire when you speak._

_I'm on fire burning at these mysteries._


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N:** HIIII! DID YOU MISS ME?

Let me start off by apologizing for the lacking updates (this should be done updating by now). I am the most easily distracted person in the world sometimes. I swear. I get started doing my thing and I completely lose track of the days. Homework and work are fucking crazy right now. School is a bitch. I'm sorry. Wow. Please forgive my fail.

Other than that, my dog's snoring is keeping me awake so all this sleep I planned to get tonight isn't going to happen and my head hurts too much for any more studying.

So I miraculously remembered to update this!

Be aware that in a text message conversation, since this story is written in English, I have our characters texting in an English "style." In Japanese "w" is used kind of like how we use LOL, but I decided to just stick with the LOL to avoid confusion for other people.

Thank you!

Enjoy~!

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><p>Dropping my bag at the door, I trudged over to my desk, where I sloppily fell into my office chair, reacquainting myself with the comfortable leather. Doing a one-eighty, I faced the city, lit up as night had just coated Tokyo in darkness an hour earlier. The view was so different than the one I had grown accustomed to in the last month. My own beloved apartment no longer felt like home. My dark furnishings and dim lighting, creating shadows in every available crevice, gave off a vibe opposite of the sparse, yet cozy, interior design of Shizuo's.<p>

Sighing, I glanced around. Nothing was out of place. Everything was perfectly organized, just as I had left it - including my confused shoji board, as well as its chess pieces - and I wondered if Namie had been there at all. A thin stack of paperwork sat, abandoned in a file tray on my desk. It had been dated for the week prior - the only indication that the spacious walls of my home had been visited by my overpaid pretend housewife.

_Spacious_…

In comparison to Shizuo's small living space, my own apartment felt like a mansion. You could knock down his bedroom wall, eliminating the divider between two rooms, and my living room would still feel twice the size. Being so used to those comfy confines, I almost felt paranoid, like an easy target. Here, there was no place to hide. Here, a strong pair of arms to seek comfort in did not exist. Here, I was on my own once again, forced to remind myself that this is what I wanted. This is what I asked for. He begged me to stay; however, my remaining pride told me I had overstayed my welcome. It was time to move on for a while. It was time to pick up after myself instead of asking him to pick up for me.

At twenty-three, as high and mighty as I thought I was, I was still just as irresponsible and irrational as I had been in middle school… during a time when I lied about stabbing my friends, if only to tell them that it wasn't at all on impulse. Of course, as I entered into adulthood, my stabbed friends and I always knew I'd die by my own doing if Shizuo didn't get to me first.

Funny how things can turn around on you. Even funnier how you'll never see it coming. All of a sudden, you're standing on railroad tracks, blinded by fear… unable to move… In one fell swoop, the reality train just hit you… And in your split second of pain before death, you realize you're just one germ amongst billions on this earth.

With my loneliness finally getting to me after less than an hour in such an empty place, I flipped through my keys for the smallest in the bunch, and unlocked company in the bottom drawer of my desk. Relieved to still find her there, I took Celty's head into my possession for the first time in weeks, honestly surprised that Namie hadn't taken off with her; or a gang hadn't busted in, vandalized my place, and struck gold upon discovering such a rare specimen.

Lucky me.

Staring at her while I lost myself in heavy thoughts was much better than Namie's cold eyes on my skin, and her venomous voice ridiculing every statement said on my end. I would have plenty of time for that later.

"I'm glad you don't look at me," I whispered to the seemingly lifeless head in my hands. "I've spent the last four weeks on suicide watch. Can you believe that?"

An air bubble trapped at the bottom of her liquid-filled container wiggled to the top. The trivial act would hardly qualify as a response, but in my moments of solitude, I took it as a sign that she may have been listening. Nonetheless, I knew - somewhere in the back of my sick mind - that I was talking to myself… admitting the words I'd never say aloud when listening ears were present.

"A few months ago, I didn't know trying to die would be so challenging. Suicide seemed like an epic fantasy; one where I would prove my love to humanity by sacrificing myself to it," I half-smiled, remembering the way things used to be. "Nothing difficult. I just had it timed right in my mind. You'd open those eyes of yours, start a war, and… well… you know the rest, don't you? I wonder how many times I've held you going over these plans."

Setting her in front of me on the desk, I folded one arm over the other for a place to rest my head, and continued my conversation with the bodiless head.

"I guess I almost got it right. But the timing was off. I wasn't happy - still not. You were still asleep - still are. Not to mention, it was barely a sacrifice. It's not like anybody was there to stop me, save me, or watch me go. No. Instead, that damn Russian found me just short of too late. So, in retrospect, I suppose I didn't get it right at all. To think your body was there to help. Help… Ha," I laughed a little at the irony. "Shouldn't help be a desired favor?"

As I continued to speak, I realized I was somewhat comfortable away from the watchful eyes of that blond idiot, and his misplaced love. Even though she couldn't respond, I appreciated a conversation with somebody who wouldn't interrogate me on my whereabouts or decisions. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I hadn't been the same levelheaded person I'd always known myself to be, but if I couldn't trust myself not to do something stupid while alone, who else was supposed to trust me? For the time being, I had Shizuo hanging on a promise that he would.

"Shizu-chan tried to help me too. That's where I've been. That's why I've been away from you. I've been living with him because Shinra and... your body... thought it'd be a good idea. Of course, I didn't want to. The three of them practically forced me! And you want to know what happened?" I said with the slight mad laughter still coating my voice. "He ended up falling for me. Of all the outrageous things! So, for years, I've provoked him, run from him, and fought with him. We made each other bleed at least once a week! And two weeks ago he tells me he _loves_ me!"

The reminder landed in my stomach with the weight of a boulder. Shizuo hadn't lied to me… not once. So why was I laughing to myself about it as if it were a joke? I certainly wasn't joking. Shizuo… was definitely not joking.

"He loves me… because of that, I told him I'd do my best not to try to kill myself again… As long as he's patient, I told him not to worry… but… I couldn't tell him that I love him back."

Looking away from the head, I suddenly felt embarrassed by my private confessions.

"It seems wrong, doesn't it? I want to be able to say I love him… but how can I? I hate myself, and I've hated him much longer. Tell me… how can I throw all of that away… to go back on my own words? I don't hate him anymore. Living with him has given me this opportunity to learn much more than our violent escapades have ever taught me. He knows this. Yet to transform this knowledge into love? It still feels wrong; like Adam asking God if he can go back to Eden. I may not believe in God, but even I know better. Still, I wish I had the answers. What is it? Where's the missing piece? It has to be somewhere within myself… right? To love him would be to take my loathing and bury it beneath feelings I have for something else. If my love for humans can't even disguise it, how can whatever love I have for him block it out? So many questions weigh on my mind. I could die tomorrow… next week… or even ten years from now. Hell, you could open your eyes in the next ten minutes for all I know."

Damn it. I hoped she would. To open those eyes and take me away… what a miracle that would have been. Suicide wouldn't seem so bleak then, would it? I'd have something to die for besides my own self-loathing. Shizuo's love wouldn't be enough to counter mine, though not for him or myself, but for the human race. I would be able to kill myself; thus, making my name truly matter by leaving my mark in history. Every person who never loved me before would love me then. On my throne in Hell, I'd sit back with a satisfied smile, reveling as rivulets of their love poured over me.

_Tch_.

Somehow, the thoughts felt so shallow.

He may not have been the humans I was after. To be honest, I didn't even consider him human. For the longest time he was nothing more than a blond monster at best… a blond monster with the humanity to love a demon like me. A blond monster who was always had the perfect timing for pulling a fast one on me with a genius I never gave him much credit for.

I could drug myself stupid all over again, and I knew there would still never be enough narcotics in the world to stop him from beseeching his feelings on me. Shizuo, after all, was a very stubborn man. There were so many reasons for me to wish I was like him. He never gave a damn what anyone thought of him. His personal image was his own to deal with; his own to accept. Even if he didn't like the picture, he knew his heart better than anyone else I've ever met. My mind - no matter what state you'd find it in - was never so together as his good soul.

Is it silly? The way a monster can become a god to one's eyes?

With these thoughts on my mind, Shinra should have committed me.

**BUZZ!**

Startled by the sound of my cell phone against the surface of my desk, I jumped back, catching myself just short of falling out of my chair.

**BUZZ!**

The small black device called out to me again.

Reading the caller's identification as it flashed across the front screen, I contemplating taking the call. I mean, hell. I'd barely arrived home. My looming thoughts were in no place to be interrupted, even if they were the same old thing on repeat. I felt a breakthrough somewhere on the horizon and -

"Damn it," I hissed, having missed that call.

Though, rather than returning it, I simply waited for another buzz. It was probably better this way… I'd come home to escape him for a while.

Sure enough, several minutes later, a text message came through. I should have known… there is no escape.

[_Hey. Pick up. Make it home okay?_]

His concern brought a small light into my blackened world.

[_Sorry. Didn't mean to miss your call. Yes. I'm fine._]

[_Good. Didn't tell me. I was worried._]

My heart wrenched a little. Were that idiot and I in that kind of relationship?

[_I told you to trust me._]

[_You alone?_]

[_Yes_.]

[_You okay?_]

[_Yes_.]

[_Strange not having you here._]

Fuck, I wanted to turn off the tingling in my chest. I understood precisely what he meant, making it impossible for me to deny it in the next message.

[_LOL. It's strange not being there. My place feels so empty._]

[_Are you really LOL-ing. Or is that bullshit?_]

[_Bullshit_.]

I smirked.

[_Make it real_.]

And then I frowned.

[_It isn't so easy as you telling and me doing._]

[_So then do it and tell me when you're done._]

[_What if I'm never done?_]

At this point, I just wanted to push his easily accessible buttons, even from a distance.

[_I'll still be here._]

[_Even if I'm not?_]

[_If you die, I'll kill you._]

[_I hate you_.]

[_No you don't. Not anymore._]

[_Well I don't like you._]

[_I'll live._]

Tch. Typical. My plan was backfiring.

[_You keep doing that. I'm going to bed._]

I hardly waited for a reply.

Hiding the Rider's head in the drawer, I pushed myself out of my chair, stretching as I got to my feet. I'd lost track of the time staring at her for so long. She truly was hypnotic in her own unworldly way.

From there, I spent no time crawling into my own lonely bed, remembering that it would be the first time in two months that I'd sleep completely alone, in an empty apartment. Knowing that nobody was there to check on me, or wrap their arms around me… knowing nobody would be there to say good morning or goodnight, or to shake me awake from my suicidal nightmares… I slowly drifted to sleep, watching slivers of silver moonlight disappear through the blinds, one-by-one as the world continued its rotation around the sun, with or without me present.

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><p><em>You've got the world on a string<em>

_But the funny thing is_

_The only thing hanging from that string is you._

_And I couldn't care more, and You couldn't care less._

_You ran a river through my eyes._


	29. Chapter 29

**Author's Note:** Uuuggghhh. I am the worst updater ever. I just... take a shot at fun these days whenever I get the chance away from work and school. And even though I'm here by the end of the day, I'm so brain dead! Please forgive me, readers. OTL

And please enjoy this update! Thank you for sticking with this story once again. Thank you.

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><p><em><strong> WHACK!<strong>_

"Huh?" I snapped my attention to the sound, immediately flipping open my blade, violently stabbing it through the source.

"Calm down," a bored voice echoed through my guarded ears as I stared wide-eyed at a stack of paperwork held in place by ten centimeters of surgical steel.

Slowly easing my knife out of the documents… and my desk… I heaved a sigh, shooting Yagiri Namie a filthy glance. For the past two days she'd caught on to my paranoia, taking it to her advantage as often as I'd allow my fickle mind to envelop itself in horrible, confusing, heart wrenching thought. Apparently, it was entertaining to see me in fear, though, by the look on her face, you'd never know. Sometimes I wondered how she remained so unexpressive.

"You're going to have to knock it off," I scowled, placing my free hand over my pounding heart, as if double checking to be sure she hadn't scared me to death.

"Stop jumping, and I will," she said, barely looking up from raking her eyes over a file. Even with her lacking smile, I knew better. She was proud for her petty accomplishments.

"Tch. How typical of you."

She shrugged. "It's the least I can do for all of the paperwork you left me alone with."

"I sent out an 'out of office' email to all of my contacts," I told her very matter-of-factly. "How is it my fault if they're persistent? And given that I've been away for so long, I didn't think you'd take it upon yourself to actually _do_ any work."

"What else would I have done?" she rolled her eyes.

"I don't know. You could have taken all the money you wanted, and gone on a lovely vacation with your bro- Oh." I cut myself off, adding a venomous dose of laughter to my tone.

"You're just as despicable as ever."

"Only towards you, my dear," I said with a clandestine wink, putting a particularly vicious inflection on the forced pet name. "But seriously. I told you to take what you wanted. I even came home to find a Dullahan's head right where I left her. Are you becoming less greedy by any chance?"

"As if."

For all her cutting sarcasm, at least she was honest.

"Then what?"

"Like I don't already know about your other bank accounts. It isn't like you were giving me a bonus. More like an advanced payout."

"Oh," I said in slight surprise. "So you caught on to that?"

"Not all of us can afford to be as lazy as you."

"Che… I was on medical leave. How does that portray laziness?"

I couldn't have felt more fake. Please. Just use some form of alchemy to transmute my flesh and blood into paint and plastic. Transform me into a supermodel, a cyborg, a robot. There was no point in putting on an act while holding a conversation with her, yet I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't be honest. Even though she knew much more than I would have preferred, I had no desire to be myself with Namie, so I did my best to act like nothing had changed. I did what I could to hide my inner darkness.

I suppose this had something to do with her constant biting remarks. Thirty days with Shizuo was a heavy duty cleansing from that woman.

"Remind me, Izaya. How long were you gone?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Including the time I spent with Shinra?"

Speaking of the four-eyed freak, I grimaced at the sound of his name rolling off my tongue. Namie wouldn't have known a thing if Shinra hadn't told her. That little dweeb just couldn't let me tell her on my own. Not that I would have. And when she asked why I tried to commit suicide, I successfully played her for the fool she is, coming up with some excuse about experimenting on my body for strengthening it further, like some sort of lesson in endurance. Never mind the fact that I was still fairly emaciated from weeks of bodily abuse through starvation. I'm not entirely sure she bought into it, but it was enough to make the annoying questions about my mental state come to an end.

Now, she was curious to understand why said "endurance test" involved living with Shizuo. That's where I dropped the conversation altogether. Namie didn't need access to the truth. No matter how much Shinra leaked, he had a good habit of stopping himself before going too far, giving me just enough space to cover for myself.

I could imagine Namie's laughter if Shinra's mouth were any bigger. She would be pleased to know I had been drowning in misery behind her back for so long. She'd probably revel at the knowledge of my substance abuse, or the way two desires had torn me in half. And I know she would be thrilled to watch me have a breakdown, or two. She had probably spent most of her time with me waiting to see me snap. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction.

"Including that time, I hear I've been gone for about two months."

"And now you get to go through that stack to make up for it."

"Actually, I was thinking I may just shred all of these - aside from the legal stuff - and start from scratch. Most of these are old, and I don't want to go through the trouble. People will come back when they get desperate or they'll find someone else."

Shooting me a glare, her tone stayed the same. "So I work to reduce your own workload when you come back only to find out that you're tossing it regardless?"

I smiled in affirmation. I loved the anger boiling behind her disinterested eyes. Admittedly, I wanted to go back to work to relieve my mind of the more personal pressures; albeit, being self-employed, I wasn't looking to pick up where I left off.

"Tch. You're useless," she scoffed.

"Not at all. I see it as evasively efficient," I countered her attacks. "Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand, Namie, since you are lacking the proper comprehension skills to see that people seeking information on trivial things is just as much fun as high school math homework. Incredibly simple, yet too boring to put in the effort. Besides, there's no money in it, and the human interaction is cheap."

Putting her down was all I had to make me feel better about myself, regardless of the way it reverted back to old habits of a past life… habits I wanted to drop. If I could just keep shooting her down, while keeping up this image that I was bulletproof, I'd make it through another day unscathed. After all, this was only day three on my own, and it was the knowledge of people like her, feeling the way they do towards me, that made me feel like my life didn't matter. As deserved as this punishment was, I was too cowardly to take it… and too broken to hear anymore. I made the decision to choose the warning signs, knowing this would happen to me someday, though I never saw it coming so soon.

"Maybe I should have taken off with the money and the head," she said.

"And what would you have done with it? Feed your incest-fueled desires by offering your brother the sleeping head in exchange for his love? His hacked up little girlfriend wouldn't be so appreciative of that, you know."

"Says the creep who has been living in his adversary's apartment for the last several weeks," she shot, ready to defend herself, despite her lacking morality.

I was beginning to realize that Namie was another constant in my life. Whether I had been gone a day or ten years, her attitude towards me was never going to change. She'd always be snide with me.

"And what's so wrong with that?" I leered, doing my best to push more stupidity out of her for the purpose of my entertainment-masked protection. "You do realize that incest is highly frowned upon in modern day society. Not to mention, it's completely laced in pedophilia."

"Like your filthy habits aren't?"

"I'm a pedophile now?"

"Frowned upon," she corrected my sarcasm.

"Huh… Well, I suppose it's a good thing you don't deny the truth to your obsession. It's probably healthier this way."

"Can't be any less healthy than your obsession with stalking people. Isn't it ironic that you go from stalking Heiwajima-san, always running your mouth about how much you hate him, to living with him and having nothing to say at all? You've barely dropped his name since coming back."

Suddenly feeling like we were both standing on thin ice, I narrowed my eyes. "My relationship with Shizu-chan doesn't concern you."

However, Namie was eager to keep the conversation going, forcing me to keep my defenses strong. "I really appreciate the way you so boldly insult me for my incestuous interests. Meanwhile, Izaya, _you_ seem to be keeping plenty of your own secrets, including your homoeroticism. Does he reciprocate these feelings?"

Smirking, I bit back from making another comment in regards to her lacking knowledge in this department. Silly Namie was always so certain of the words spilling from her cynical lips. How could she define my feelings when I couldn't? Ha. If only she knew. "I would hardly refer to it as homoeroticism."

"You _hate_ him," she reminded me. "And there are countless banters to prove it. Or maybe it was never hate at all. Stringing the world along. Hiding your true motives. That's just like you."

"What are you saying?"

But I knew exactly what she meant. I knew _exactly_ where this conversation was going.

"Are you gay, Izaya?" she queried.

Jackpot.

Rolling my eyes in response to how predictable she was, I plastered a full-sized smile on my face, opting to have fun with the answer, hoping I wasn't transparent. "I don't know if I'm gay or not. Maybe I am. Would it matter?"

"It would explain this seemingly romantic affinity for that man, including why you would take off with him for a month. It would explain so many things about you, in fact."

"Oh, he's much easier to live with than you are. Opposed to you, he's a walk in the park," I informed her, weakly attempting to fend off the tingling in my chest as I remembered the things I'd come to enjoy about Shizuo. "Sure, he's pushy and overbearing, but I must give him credit for never trying to be someone he's not."

"Hmpf."

"Unlike my nosey, sarcastic, completely _overpaid_ assistant, Shizu-chan doesn't pretend he's smart. Rather, his intelligence comes in moments… like the ocean's waves, dependent on circumstances of both time of day, and position of the moon. He's smart when the time is right. It's never forced."

I'm sure the expression on my face was giving me away entirely. Every secret I attempted to hide from Namie was revealing itself through thoughts of him, including the agony thriving in my barely beating heart. There was no way a person could look at me and miss the obvious pain which thrived by feeding off of my insecurities. I was speaking of Shizuo as if I knew exactly what he was to me. Nevertheless, when I stopped myself in time to think about the words pouring from my mouth, reality was there to supply me with a proper slap to the face.

Three days without him, and I was still nowhere closer to making a decision. I was still hanging on the hopes that some unknown power would make the decision to take me from this world, or teach me how to give love as it was received. An earthquake could strike down my building, sending it into ruins. Crushed to death beneath the rubble, I wouldn't have to decide anymore. Fate could do the job. Anything beyond that rung in my head as hopeless; a lost cause much like myself.

Here I sat, filling this woman in on little nothings as if the picture couldn't be clearer. In a sense, it felt like describing Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper as it appeared upon its moment of completion, when all we are left with is a faded image of a masterpiece; the true beauty of which will never be gazed upon by modern eyes, and in a sense, the work becomes lost to the tragic passing of time. Someday, society won't remember its existence. Someday, nobody would remember me. And like that fading piece of art, my memory will become more and more difficult to describe, until all anybody sees is a shadow of what once was. Essentially, I was bullshitting myself with the expectations that I'd become so wrapped up in the lie that I'd eventually begin to believe it. You can only refurbish a painting for so long before the original artist is buried by the new.

"Anyway," I blurted, abruptly switching back to the proper topic before Namie could take my moment of weakness to strike. "Regardless of the truth to my sexual orientation, I do know I'd much rather be accepted as a homosexual than frowned upon for having a sick love towards my younger siblings."

Shuddering, I chased away the idea of being romantically involved with my sisters. I'd gladly leave that breed of fantasizing to Namie.

Uncertainty was beginning to take its toll. I needed to make a choice. Love or death. Such small words. So miniscule in their appearance, spelling, and sound; yet packed with more meaning than what is fully comprehensible to your average human being.

Did my platonic love towards humanity outweigh death? Did Shizuo, and all the physical intimacies between us, outweigh death? Or did death have overpowering control over love, no matter the format it was presented in? To tell was dangerous business. Equations and logic couldn't sort out indefinable feelings. Emotion knows no logic, and therefore, I was unable to use any of my observances and acquired knowledge to obtain the information I so desperately sought, and could not unveil.

In the three days I'd been home, my relationship with Shizuo had immediately been downgraded to nothing more than a few text messages spread throughout the day. Only remnants of his touch, and faded whispers in my ear remained of physical encounters. Digital letters gave no emotion from the most sentimental man I knew. Afraid for what came next, I'd taken to "missing" each one of his phone calls, and in doing so, hoping that my avoidance would somehow pay off in the end… which said a lot, taking into consideration that I couldn't choose my fate despite being handed the options. In a hopeful sense, I wanted him to become so fed up with my lack of response that he'd show up at my door.

I was curious to see how long it would be before he would realize he'd made a mistake… that his promises, under our circumstances, were never meant to be kept… even if that meant breaking them for him.

* * *

><p><em>I took you for granted again.<em>

_And threw you aside._

_And pretended for one minute that I_

_Had control of my life _

_And direction it seemed to be in._

_I was wrong again._

_Are you listening?_


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N:** I'm sorry. Time seriously got away from me with school and stupid new romances. It's like I'm falling out of love with a past life and into a new one. I can't explain it. And I'd be lying if I told you I didn't forget. I did. I forgot to update. I'm sorry.

* * *

><p>Most people would kill for a second chance at life. I was wasting mine…<p>

This was a solid fact which I had been all too aware of. With a few rare improvements here and there, I still lacked the motivation to help myself, despite the help I'd received from the so few I can refer to as "friends."

Don't get me wrong.

We've been over this a million times by now, haven't we?

I kept saying I was drawing the line. I kept saying I'd had enough. And for a while, it helped each time I made this shattered vow. It did. I started eating. I stopped running away from affectionate behavior. I stopped resisting so much. Nevertheless, something would happen to cause my plans to backfire, causing my thoughts to remain trapped on suicide. All of the self-help I'd promised went out the window. The next thing I knew, I was wiping away tears making yet another oath to be thrown away. That's how I ended up back home when Shizuo asked me to stay, how I ended up at Shinra's when I chose to starve myself, and how I fell in to a life of drugs and alcohol to numb my pain.

No more.

This time, I meant it.

This time, I wasn't allowed to go back, regardless of what I decided.

"You can leave now," I glowered at Namie, finally having enough of her snide rudeness by day six.

It wasn't that I couldn't handle her, and her forced attitude problem. The simple fact to be known was that I was not only bored with shooting her down (because she never gives up), I was becoming annoyed that I had to. That damn woman took every window of opportunity to say something stupid, thinking it would put me down or dig me even deeper into my manic pit. However, aside from not being offended by ninety-five percent of the shit spilling from her mouth, one can't go deeper than rock bottom, where I begrudgingly sat. She had nothing to say to me that I hadn't heard, thought, or felt before. Not to mention the six and a half days I spent away from Shizuo weren't doing me any good because her presence had a knack for obstructing my thought patterns.

Since returning home, in Shinjuku, the only "progress" I had made on my quest for the solution to life's greatest mysteries, happened to be questioning my sexual orientation, leaving the heavier questions in back-breaking suspense. While larger issues still kept themselves prominent in my thoughts, analyzing them had proven to be a complete failure. Thinking in the presence of Namie was more drilling than it was with Shizuo. I was beginning to hope I had never left.

Six days, and nothing.

Namie arched her brow. "Leave? It's barely past lunch time."

"I don't care what time it is," I waved my hand in dismissal. "There are matters I must attend to which don't involve or concern you. Shouldn't you be grateful that I'm giving you most of the day off?"

"Tch. Whatever," she sneered, completely void of appreciation.

Not another word was spoken between us as she gathered her belongings and slammed the door on her way out.

"Incestuous wench," I muttered, relieved by the silence which rapidly filled in the room.

After a few moments of waiting - making sure she wasn't coming back - I took a seat on the couch and began mindlessly moving pieces around on the shoji board, until only two pieces remained. Chess pieces.

Taking the black queen and moving her to one end, I set her up opposite of the white night. From my own pocket, I drew a tiny vile, filled with a dyed greenish black liquid and set it in the direct center of the board. Leaning back, I stared intensely at each piece as well as their possible relationship to each other, and my life. These inanimate objects meant both nothing and everything as I caught up with myself.

Six days, it had taken me to finally get to the point. Six days to do what I came home for. I wondered if I was wasting my time.

Enveloping myself in concentrated silence, I sifted through thought after thought until I pinpointed several mysteries to solve: love, death, addiction, and orientation. Unfortunately, because of Namie's inability to understand that not everything is her business, orientation was taking the lead. Nevertheless, I could see how it would relate.

Over the past month, I had spent far more time with Shizuo's arms around me - be it through a mental breakdown or for a simplistic embrace - than I'd ever spent with my own arms wrapped around a woman throughout my lifetime. Not to say that I couldn't have a girlfriend if I wanted one. It was true that I never tried to put myself in a relationship because I actually cared for a female as an individual, albeit, there were plenty who I'd stolen from Shizuo during our school days. Stolen, corrupted, and used. And there were plenty still remaining. I could acknowledge feminine beauty when it crossed my eyes. Certainly I wasn't oblivious to the physical attraction I sometimes felt for individuals. After all, how observant of an informant could I be if I could not recognize when a woman was above average in the category of being attractive? Then again, I was perfectly aware of the same reaction towards humans of the male variety. Even when I loathed Shizuo, I noticed the features which drew women to him… women who often ended up ignored in their advances.

What I couldn't see was what difference it made. Had Shizuo been born female, it's likely that he'd still be Shizuo with that same short-fuse personality, steely eyes, and bizarre strength. We would have entered high school completely loathing each other upon the first glance, and it's likely that we'd still be in the same place, carrying on by the same routines. And when I didn't want to be seen with him, in "that" way, on the streets, our shared gender never crossed my mind. It certainly never entered my thoughts every time he kissed me, or the time we - it didn't matter.

If my sexuality, or preference over men and women, really concerned me, I knew I could have shoved him away through all of those intimate moments with a strict warning that I wasn't attracted to men, let alone him.

I didn't care.

During my quest for clarity, I only wanted to apply definition to undefined feelings, if I wasn't going to die before then. If I was in love with Shizuo, it was because of a bond; not gender. If that were the way it played out... if it just so happened... I wouldn't complain… so long as the tornado feelings, swirling violently within me, could calm down enough to show me what it was I needed.

If only I could bear witness to what was happening with us... with myself. Could I be happy being loved? Was there happiness in love? Or was the entire concept of the thing simply an illusion of hope, created to shield the weak from bravely taking themselves away from the world... the way I so desperately contemplated doing? For all of my rotten sins, how was I to believe that I was anywhere near deserving of another human being's affection?

Over and over, Shizuo had argued, telling me I'd earned repentance for my sins. Still, I continued to feel that no amount of suffering could ever fully repay the suffering I had inflicted on those who put themselves before me. All it had ever taken for me to destroy a life was glance. One look in the eye to find my victim.

Take Kida Masaomi for instance... he had been so tainted by my manipulations for almost no reason at all. For every torturous trial I had put him through had been a development of my own boredom; not because he had actually done anything to cross me. He was simply one of many.

And what of my mother? She already pretended to my family that I was dead. Maybe it was time that all of her acting finally paid off... because… maybe she was too ordinary for me... but she was never a bad parent... just... ordinary. Needless to say now, my mother was everything I should have appreciated her for being. It should have been enough for me.

Everybody I'd ever met experienced suffering by my hand.

To convince myself that I didn't deserve the worst, to die cold and alone as a nobody, was more trouble than I'm worth. Undeserving of life, I had no desire to bring Shizuo down with me. Shizuo, who had taken the absolute worst of my poison.

Now, I couldn't even make it up to him, as I was unfit for love, and even more unfit to supply it. Shattered... broken beyond repair... was my world. I was nothing more than a scar in his heart... and a scar to humanity. Surely, love could not heal these wounds. To ask for as much would be unreasonable.

Pondering true love versus beautiful illusion, the hot sting of vengeful tears attacked my eyes as my breathing hitched, giving in to the powerful onslaught of sobs.

Bitterly, I laughed through my agony as my body trembled from the sheer weight of unsorted emotion. I wondered how I made it this long through life without being murdered. Of course, there had been many attempts made to off me; half of them supplied by the man who tried so hard to keep me alive. Irony is a bitch.

"What am I doing?" I asked myself, watching the tears blur my vision before streaming down my face.

I was aching for a lonely fix; fighting not to get up and dig through my medicine cabinet. Aching for every centimeter of my body to go numb, I was already aware that I wouldn't find anything, anyway. I had taken every pill I could find the first time, and I only bought the hardcore drugs as needed.

"Potassium cyanide," I spoke again, reaching for the thin vile in the center of the shoji board.

A painful way to go, yet a surefire way to never come back. I could have been numb for all eternity.

Forcing a wave of gushing tears out of my eyes, I laid back on the couch, clutching the glass tube close to my heart. Wasn't that what I wanted? Wasn't it what I asked for? To go home and poison myself? I wanted to get the job done, didn't I? To pull a Jonestown on myself. All along, that was my plan while nobody existed to stand in my way.

No…

What I really wanted was an impossible thing…

Curling into a miniscule ball, I kept the vile clenched tightly in my fist.

[_I'm okay._]

That was the response I sent him via text message. That was the promise made when he asked how I had been holding up… adding that he hoped to see me back in Ikebukuro soon.

The message was a solid lie, setting me up for disaster.

[_You sure? Haven't seen you in a week_.]

[_I told you to trust me. Do you_?]

[_Yes. I do_.]

[_Don't stop_.]

Nobody was coming for me. Nobody was going to break down the door in time to pull me out of myself. Not this time. Intentionally, I threw away the opportunity. Left alone with my own madness, I could only count on the intestinal fortitude to develop, giving way to finishing what I began two months prior.

Heiwajima Shizuo would not be coming through that door.

"Fuck it. I give up," I muttered, fully allowing myself to understand the situation I placed myself in.

My mind was made up. The longer I pretended to be fickle, the more difficult it would become to actually complete the deed. I wasn't getting out of this. There was no way. Alone with my doubt, I knew myself better than anyone, even when I had no justifications for my reasoning.

If I couldn't love, I couldn't live. If I couldn't live, I needed to leave this world before it was too late.

Knowing I couldn't have my hero, I pulled myself from the couch as a plan constructed itself in my diluted mind. Wrapping my coat tightly around my torso, I dropped the poison in my pocket and slipped out the door.

Within a matter of seconds, I knew exactly where to go to finish this, and exactly how it would end. By dusk, my hopeless heart wouldn't have to keep fighting. I'd win sovereignty with the proper choice, and Shizuo wouldn't inappropriately throw his life away for a person who didn't appreciate their own. He'd be happier in time, and I'd be free.

Eyes red, swelling from hot tears, I made my way down the streets, receiving the proper number of stares as I told myself aloud. "Fuck this. I won't do it anymore. I can't handle another day."

A life unlived - a life without love - wasn't a life worth having.

* * *

><p><em>Another long night of being strung out and alone.<em>

_Another night of hearing things and having messed up dreams._

_Another day of rejection, full of people I love,_

_seem to be giving up on me._

_Learn to love yourself._


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N:** I shouldn't even be awake right now. I haven't written anything in months. And now I'm getting little ticks of inspiration here and there. So I remembered I have to update this. Which I've failed at doing. I will not deny that.

Also, I have to be up for a con in a few hours. Yep. Phoenix Comicon. I don't know how likely it is that any of you will be there, but I'll be cosplaying God Tier John, Monkey D. Luffy, Yoko Littner, Davesprite and Abel from Hamlet Machine's comic: _Starfighter_.

I think I really hate summer cons. Because it's too hot here to wear heavy cosplays, so I'm not bringing my Hibiya, even though there was so much love and hard work put into it by my cosplay partner, Chimera (who is beautiful). Without her, I'd be so lost. And I'd be short an incredible Shizuo. So, cooler summer cosplays it is!

Also, I'm not going to have internet much over the next week or two because I got a house and I'm moving. OH shit. I can't even remember to update fics. How am I gonna remember rent.

Also, anon, dear. I'm not really out of this fandom. I'm just out of it in general. In fact, I just had a Shizaya photoshoot a few weeks ago. (:

* * *

><p><em>You're hopelessly bound<em>

_I'm escaping this town_

_This train of thinking is dragging us down_

_So tell me what my future is_

_If I choose not to live_

* * *

><p>Putting fate to the test, I carefully selected my destination, pouring all that remained of my hope in each step it took me to get there.<p>

From the rooftop, I peered over the city, taking note that while it wasn't the tallest building in Ikebukuro, the view was vast enough to give me quite the brilliant display of my final sunset. Orange fading into violet, as the twinkling stars of night slowly came to life, was just short of stealing my breath away. In all my life, I had never taken time to enjoy the changes which slowly occurred each day. I suppose once you've lived for so long, you forget about the earth's little wonders. It's when you're sure you'll never see them again that you look up, smiling at them for the last time.

I was unfit for this beauty.

Climbing over the railing which lined the rooftop, I took a front row seat on the building's edge. Once more, tears pricked my eyes as I soaked in the glory of the world which had already forgotten me. I would die as nothing in the city I so loved, filled with humans I loved even more… still incapable of focusing my affections on one in particular.

The moment the sun disappeared from the skyline, the liquid poison in my jacket's pocket would burn its way down my throat, permanently taking me away. I would die with potassium cyanide eating away at my life without a cure… without redemption.

I'd needed a hero to pull me out of this, and by the looks of the calm streets below, nobody was coming to save me.

"There are so many things I would have liked to do," I told myself, giving a bittersweet smile to a world that wasn't looking back.

I inhaled slowly as a soft wave of tears crashed down over me. All I could think about were all of the mistakes I wished I could have fixed, including the most impossible of things. The hearts I broke, and the lives I ruined. I wondered… if I allowed myself to live, would there have even been a way to repay all of those souls? Once I died, I prayed to imaginary powers that someday… they'd look back and forgive me.

I wasn't leaving a note this time. I wasn't writing an apology, or setting things straight. Instead, I chose to take this backdoor, hoping that once I was gone, they'd destroy my body as if breaking a curse. In time, the ones who suffered would forget, while those who never knew me would carry on, oblivious that I was ever born. I wondered how long it would take. Deserving this as punishment, I didn't get to know. Did I even want to?

Watching the red-orange hue disappear from the atmosphere, I took the vial back into my hands, holding the black liquid before my eyes. I wondered how it would taste, or if I'd feel pain as it stopped my heart from beating. I hoped so… I hoped that every drop would viciously absorb into my body, allowing me to die the slowest, most painful death imaginable. I wanted to writhe in agony until my eyes rolled back in my head, closing the curtains on life forever.

I wanted whoever to find my body and see that I suffered to my last breath.

Everyone would be happier this way…

Shizuo could be free of me… and the illusions of love which I could never return.

As city lights flickered to life in time with the disappearance of the daylight, I knew it was time. Carefully, I unsealed the one ounce dose of death, raising it to my lips with quivering hands. How easy it would be to… all I had to do was… in a matter of seconds… I…

"Damn it!" I hissed, turning away from the tube and twisting the cap back in place. "Fuck…"

What was wrong with me?

"C-come on, Izaya," I told myself. The breaking of my own voice did not go unnoticed, making me cringe at my own weaknesses. "This is what you've been waiting for… Do it… Why can't you do it…?"

It didn't matter. Pathetic and cowardly like never before, I felt shamed by my attempted actions, quickly sinking into thoughts of Shizuo. More than anything, if death were too good for me, how could I ever deserve him? And if his love was sincere, how could I have selected this place to finish my suicide mission? This place…

Powerless… I felt powerless… to love… to die… to do anything at all. This was paralysis at its finest, ultimately cruel… unrelenting as I once was.

I wished I had never said yes… I wished I had gone directly home from Shinra's… five weeks ago…

"Fuck…" I breathed through swelling tears, burying my hands in my hair. I crumpled into myself. "I can't… I… c-can't…"

I can't believe I had ever been so lost… so out of control. My choice between love and death had expired. I'd gone on too long unsure of myself, and now I couldn't have either.

Unworthy… that was me.

"Izaya?" a tranquil voice carried on the late spring wind, piercing my soul.

Reaching for my heart, I clutched my chest to sooth the discomforting twitter swelling within. Regret was flooding through me like the rush of water after the break of a river dam.

I didn't want to hear his voice in my head, making every passing second double in the well-earned agony I felt.

Snuffling the tears back into submission, a sarcastic laugh erupted from my throat as I wiped my cheeks dry with my sleeve.

"Iz… what are you doing up here?"

What was _he_ doing here?

"I… I couldn't do it," I craned my neck around to stare at the true victim of my suffering.

Could he feel this hurt, too?

Yes.

Yes, because he was hurting… just as much as I was. And it seemed that every once in a while, I'd remember, only to forget moments later… continuously putting my pain first… forgetting that just because he was better at burying his sentiment, doesn't mean it wasn't there.

Sighing, Shizuo scratched the back of his head before removing his cobalt shades. His eyes were filled to the brim with uncertainty as they met mine. I felt like we'd spent years apart by the way he watched me, both of us pleading for the other to say what happens next.

Finally making a move, during tension's highest point, Shizuo climbed over the railing, stealing the spot beside me for himself.

"I wasn't supposed to be off work for three more hours," he mumbled.

"Oh…"

"But I saw you from the sidewalk…"

"How'd you know it was me?"

"Heh…" he smirked, pulling a cigarette out from behind his ear, followed by a lighter from his vest pocket. "You're the only bastard I know who's crazy enough to sit on the edge of a building."

"Even in the dark, some things don't change… ne, Shizu-chan?"

"No…" Taking a drag from his cigarette, he exhaled his short answer, peering out into the city. I wondered if he was taking recognition to its beauty the way I had been. Too bad he had barely missed the setting sun.

A moment of awkward silence bounced back and forth between us as we continued to rake our eyes over each other, speechlessly attempting to determine who start on everything we needed to say.

Opening his mouth to speak, Shizuo quickly changed his mind, shaking off the thought.

"What?" I queried, interested in just about everything he could have to say.

"Never mind."

"No. Tell me."

"I… what…" Pulling a final stream of nicotine from his cigarette, he flicked it out of his hand, down to the sidewalk far below. We watched it fall until the remainder of the thin white stick was too small in our eyes to see. "Were you really trying to kill yourself on my rooftop?" the question finally slipped out in a hushed voice, barely captured by my ears as the spring wind picked up.

Feeling incredibly small, while entirely exposed, I unclenched my hand, as it was still guarding the vial of my second failed attempt to die.

"You were going to poison yourself…"

"That was the plan."

Damn, if my voice didn't sound as miniscule as I felt.

"Really? Here…?"

"No… I know it sounds stupid," I heaved a sigh, "But… I… I came here hoping you'd stop me before I could."

"Izaya!"

"But about five minutes ago, something changed."

"Huh?"

"All this time, I've been dying to die," I shot off into an explanation, more for myself than for him, as a new thought pattern crosscut everything which had been weighing on my mind. "One way or another, I've been trying to force my life to atrophy until I was gone from this world. And no matter what you've done for me over the past month - hell, all my life - I've been unable to feel as though I'm anything but a burden to you… and to everybody else. I feel I deserve to die for my sins, and then I remember… There was a time when I was happy; when I knew exactly who I was, and what I wanted out of this world. Back then, the idea of committing suicide - it was the perfect ending for me. It made sense. I wanted it not because I was miserable, but because I was so fucking happy feeling like I ruled the world."

"You're confusing me," mumbled Shizuo, who was staring at me with deeply furrowed brows hanging over intense eyes.

"I'm confused too…" I half smiled, returning my attention to the liquid cyanide. "When I came here, I thought, for certain, I'd die if you didn't show up."

"But I did show up… just like you planned."

"No," I shook my head, frustrated that the words didn't want to express themselves as I thought them. "You did… and then you didn't… I… I really thought I was going to do it. I thought I'd kill myself right here, but I stopped myself before you could. Shizu-chan… I really wanted you to be my hero… I wanted you to catch me at the last moment, and give me every answer to every question… but I…"

"You did it. For yourself." He gave a nod, understanding what I was failing to say.

"Then why do I still feel so lost?"

"What, exactly, are you feeling lost about, Iz? You don't wanna kill yourself anymore."

"That's not it," I retorted. "I definitely do. I_ can't_."

"Because, on your own, you found something to live for. And I'm glad," Shizuo smiled, to which I was incredulous.

"How can you be glad?" I shot. "None of it makes any sense!"

"Yes, it does!" he was insistent, using a new breed of strength to push back against my resistance. "All this time you've been broken. All this time I've watched you do everything you can to piece yourself back together. Sure, you've fallen down over and over, but that's what I'm here for. To pick you back up when the rough shit knocks you on your ass. Izaya, I was never meant to save you. I was meant to guide you in the right direction of saving yourself."

I shook my head, cursing him for his perfect timing which always caught me so off guard. "How can that be, Shizu-chan? If I can't even feel it…"

"Because I'm telling you. And you trust me."

"I do… I trust you… but how can I believe you if I can't even say that I love you."

"Whether or not you love me isn't what's important right now," he said, reaching for my hand. "Stop worrying about the little stuff. You're way too overwhelmed. If this is love, you'll figure it out when the time is right."

"And what if it's not love? What if I really am certifiable? Then what would all of this have been for, ne? What if I'm not even capable of love… or life… or rational decisions? What am I to do then? I can't live this way…"

"You won't know until you stop focusing on suicide, and start focusing on life. Don't you remember? What I told you back at Shinra's?"

Shifting my gaze back to the vial, I felt like my head was ready to explode. "What if I could never love you?"

"You'll never know unless you live to find out."

My heart sank. Shizuo… was right. He had been right about everything, all along. I wanted to hate him for being so perfect. This entire time, I had been sprinting towards answers more rapidly than I could actually keep up with them. Meanwhile, he spent his time making an effort to hold back; to accept things for what they were. It was during this time when I realized just how much he had changed since I invaded his life around the clock. Had I changed too? Clouded by my impatience was yet another answer I could not see.

"I just don't know…" I frowned. "I've made so many fucking mistakes…"

"We both have. Why dwell on them?"

"Because… if I don't, I may forget."

"So?"

"And then I'll go back…"

"No. You won't. We won't let that happen."

"You have no idea, Shizu-chan… You don't know the things I've done."

"I would if you'd tell me."

Blinking away my surprise towards just how easy Shizuo was being, I traced my memory back to the weeks of my life before he and I were even close to "civil" with each other.

"Then I guess I should start by telling you I'm an addict of sorts, shouldn't I?"

"That? Nah," he shook his head. "Drugs. Alcohol. Humans. Got it."

Startled, I shot him somewhat of a leer. "How do you - fucking Shinra!"

Shizuo laughed nervously, momentarily shifting his gaze to the night sky. "He talks too much."

"Shizu-chan… How long have you known?"

"Eh?" the blond shrugged, readjusting his hand over mine. "Since the beginning. I'd sorta known how the whole thing would play out when I found you… Shinra was never going to let you stay with him. With all of his doctor shit, he couldn't play babysitter. It was too risky for him. So he asked. I said no…. Then Celty asked, and the next thing I knew, I was childproofing my apartment from pills and pointy objects."

"Why didn't you say anything?" I inquired, slightly irritated in the way he compared me to a child… probably because I had been acting so much like one. The imagery was perfectly fitting.

"For the same reasons you didn't, I guess."

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have hidden it from you, regardless of whether or not he had told you…"

"You've got nothing left to apologize for, Izaya. In the end, everything that's happened was beyond our control. It all just… fell into place."

"Beyond control?" I scoffed, doing my best to ignore the ridiculous feeling of a titter in my heart. "Don't go getting stupid on me after a speech like that, Shizu-chan."

If this was more than just a dream… if all of these thoughts bounced back and forth between us were real, I knew I'd have to get used to the funny sensations that seemed to go off like sirens every time he said the right thing. Because Shizuo always said the right thing. Always.

"Tch…" he got to his feet, pulling me up with him. "Come on. It's getting chilly out here."

"You like this weather," I reminded him.

"I don't want you catching a cold. You're not healthy enough to be so reckless."

"Reckless?" I jeered, pulling out of his grasp as I motioned to put myself on the safe side of the railing. "I just tried to - Oh. Wait."

"What is it? What's wrong?" his face fell.

"There's something I have to do."

"_Here_? Izaya!"

"Don't worry, Shizu-chan," I smiled automatically, barely giving notice to what triggered the optimism in my expression, but feeling it all the same. How long had it been since this had been real? "It's just something I have to do. Don't go anywhere."

"I'm not. I wouldn't."

Turning back to face the city as Shizuo stayed, ready and anxiously waiting for me to throw myself from the rooftop, I took a final look at the greenish-black liquid in my hand. Holding it out in front of me, I considered what I was about to do. My heart began to race as my mind fought against the rapid throbbing in my chest.

I could hold on, just for safe measure… safe keeping. I could hold on, just in case. What if I needed it someday? What if I -

What if I just. Let. Go.

Holding the vial far out in front of me, I released the potassium cyanide from my world, watching it fall away from me faster than Shizuo's cigarette, plummeting to the ground below. Climbing back over the railing, I ignored Shizuo's confused gaze, interrupting it with a grin made specifically for him.

"Do you remember what you promised me?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Does it still stand?"

"Of course."

"So what if I stick around this time?"

Cheeks flushed pink, Shizuo bowed his head. "So what if you do?"

"I just… whatever this is…" I stuttered, doing my best to push past my depravity. "I'm still so damn lost… and… I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do with the pain… but whatever it is, I don't want to fight it alone. Not anymore."


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N:** I guess some people thought this story was over, and I admit I feel like an asshole for not updating it two chapters from the end. I'm just way too easily distracted by everything else and this is my 3rd time uploading this story somewhere.

/sigh.

I apologize.

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><p>Following each other back to Shizuo's floor, we kept up this gauche action of grazing fingertips, unsure whether or not we wanted to take the final leap to lacing fingers. I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to take his hand in mine; to feel the strength which coursed through his veins securely wrapped around my own hand. But I couldn't take the initiative. It had to be him.<p>

For the first time in my life… I was feeling _shy_. Not embarrassed. Not ashamed. Not clandestine. Just _shy_… without any messages to be read in between lines.

Deciding to break the contact before it drove me into a nervous fit, I quickened my pace, putting a couple of meters between us.

Touching him… being near him… it made no difference as long as I could look over my shoulder and see him there… Shizuo felt right. When I couldn't throw my life away, he did what he could to convince me that giving into him was okay. He could have it - my life - and care for it much better than I was able to. He wouldn't fail me. He wouldn't let me fall; not without picking me back up. That was his promise, wasn't it? To be there for me?

With many thoughts prodding at my restless mind, I realized that no matter what we had been through, one thing had certainly become clear. I didn't care where I was, or what I felt, it was never this building that felt like home. It was always him. Always Shizuo.

Picking up on the strange tingling in my chest, I did a double take over my shoulder for the umpteenth time on the way down the stairs. By the look in his hurricane eyes, barely visible through a mess of blond, I was unable to fight a full smile. For the first time in months, I was hopeful. For all of the confusion I still suffered with, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted just enough to allow some light to shine through, even a light as simple as a silver sliver of the moon peeking through closed curtains. Something was better than nothing.

When I started that day, I thought it was over for me. I thought it was all about to end. My life. The pain. The constant stream of love pouring in from a person whose death I used to fantasize over. Now, I didn't know how to live without him, let alone function.

"What are you in such a hurry for?" he grumbled from the top of the final flight of stairs. I stood at the bottom, impatiently waiting for him to catch up.

"Nothing," I grinned again, sinking back a bit when the expression in his eyes flashed through change.

In less than a second, the tranquil gray dissipated. Peaceful and spectacular, a look I had grown awkwardly accustomed to on the few good days of my living with him in that old building, had become dangerous; decadently wanton as he held me captive by his gaze. It was like being on a leash; something I would have fought against once. Now, I quite enjoyed the feeling of him so desperately clinging to me.

Keeping up this silly method of flirting, I spun around, continuing for his apartment, looking over my shoulder once or twice with narrow eyes, and a Cheshire grin. These looks did not go unnoticed on his end. We were playing our first nonviolent game of Cat and Mouse, leaving me to revel towards his chosen method in stalking his prey. There was an expertise in his movements which I had somehow missed during all of our years.

Reaching 1342, I motioned to open the door, surprised when I was reminded that it would obviously be locked while Shizuo was out. Not expecting to find myself there, I never bothered to grab my keys - attached to which was his spare.

For unknown reasons, I was a bit desperate to get inside. Maybe I just felt secure there. Maybe I felt like that tiny apartment in the center of Ikebukuro was the final safe haven for my life. Or maybe it wasn't like that at all, and Shizuo's carnivorous glances acted as my true motive.

"_Keys_?" I pleaded.

Still several meters away, he tossed them to me without question.

Once inside, I quickly stripped away my jacket, fumbling a bit as I motioned to remove my shoes at the same time. I wondered what I was hurrying for. Familiarity? Comfort? Home?

No.

All of those things were far too simple.

"Calm down," Shizuo spoke, placing a hand on my shoulder. The light touch lit my nerves on fire. "What are you rushing for?"

"I… I don't know…" I stuttered.

"Well, don't. Life's not a race."

"I know… I just…"

"Relax," he whispered, close enough for his hot breath to rush past my skin.

I smirked. The sensation of his presence was only causing me to tense more.

Removing himself from me, he made himself comfortable, removing his tie, belt, and vest before lighting himself another cigarette. Watching him remove the trite articles of his daily attire, I suddenly wanted to see him in something new, even if that meant nothing at all.

With the thought crossing my mind, I couldn't fight heat from rushing to my face.

"What did I just say?" he asked, settling down on the couch.

"I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, rushing towards the kitchen. "I'm going to make some tea. Want some?"

"Huh? No thank you."

Truthfully, I didn't want it either. I was only making it to avoid him long enough to calm myself down from jumbled, perverse thoughts. I couldn't stand being so jittery. It felt like strangulation. I needed to breathe. Nevertheless, I'm the idiot who thought I could get away from the strange, new feeling surging through my veins. My heart was going crazy.

Allowing the tea bag to steep in the boiling hot water, I pushed up my sleeves, glancing around for something to do that could help me relax. Unfortunately, my focus would only allow me to hone in on Shizuo.

For the past several minutes, since I had begun the tea, he had found himself perfectly content sinking into his nicotine fix; looking beautiful as always, while those smoky eyes reflected the ribbon of smoke reaching for the ceiling as it slowly twisted away from his lips.

Fuck.

What sort of trap had I gotten myself into this time?

Drawn to him, like a moth to a flame, I left my cup of tea on the counter, carefully inching my way closer in order to close the space between us. Inches away, he acknowledged my presence; though I had a feeling he had noticed me all along. As his eyes shifted to lock on to mine, I shyly averted the gaze to the rest of his body. Still feeling rushed, I settled my fingertips on his knee, dragging them down his long, unusually slender leg. For all the power packed into his body, proportionately, he wasn't much bigger than I was had I been so tall myself.

Leading my fingers over Shizuo's hipbone gave me goose bumps when he breathed in satisfaction with my actions. Momentarily, I considered stopping this nonsense altogether, only to find my hand resting over his steadily beating heart when I came out of my thoughts.

"What's wrong?" he asked, furrowing his brow in concern.

My breath hitched when his strong hand wrapped around my forearm. I shook my head. "N-nothing…"

"Then breathe."

Doing as told, I inhaled slowly, deciding my next move. Feeling a small gust of courage in my breath, I lifted my leg over his torso, and came to straddle him before I could make myself stop. My pattern of inhaling and exhaling altered. My chest was tight with nervousness. It felt like an anxiety attack.

"_Breathe_…" Shizuo repeated, mirroring my touch by placing his hand over my own rapidly beating heart.

Filling my lungs with air was not enough to sooth my frantic nerves. I needed something more solid than a substance I couldn't see. I needed something warmer… softer… more _defined_….

Closing my eyes, I bent forward, placing a light kiss on his eye before trailing several more to his lips. Dragging my tongue across the smooth surface of his lower lip, I gained entrance into his hot, damp mouth, moaning when his own slick muscle flicked over mine. The affirmative noise was reciprocated when I pushed to deepen the kiss, our teeth scraping just before I bit down on his lip.

"Tell me you want me," I breathed into his mouth, searching for a reason to go on.

"I want you," he did as told… rather coyly as a light flush highlighted his cheeks.

Pulling back, I honed in on the look in his eyes. Still dominant as ever, but willing to give it up, just this once, as I pushed my lips back into his and let my hands travel up his torso beneath his shirt. My breathing pattern broke again as his own icy fingers reciprocated the movement. Shizuo dragged his fingernails down my back.

"Harder…" I commanded, reveling in how easily he'd granted me control while I motioned to unbutton his shirt.

Pleased with the response, my pants were suddenly becoming more and more uncomfortable as they tightened with every scrape to drag down my skin. The sensation both burned and tingled, all the while causing my muscles to tense and relax. The touch was so satisfyingly contradictory that I felt I may as well implode if he stopped. Or would I explode? _Plode_. Because it didn't fucking matter.

From my seat on his lap, I could feel his own lustful desire growing beneath me. Suddenly, I knew precisely what I wanted.

Removing my hands from his chest, he stared at me with discomfited eyes. I could only think of a playful smirk to reassure him with. Fortunately, Shizuo picked up on my subliminal messaging when I began to play with the button of his pants. Arching upward, his hot mouth attacked my neck, nipping at the sensitive skin with his sharp teeth.

"Gnnhhh," I moaned, freezing just short of reaching his zipper, as he sucked harder on the spot. I wondered what I must have tasted like to get him going like that.

Regaining composure, I finished the task of freeing him from his pants, desperate to free myself as well. Too bad. I knew I'd have to wait. Closing my eyes, I allowed my fingertips to blindly explore him before twisting my fingers around his increasing erection. I swear, I had never felt anything so hot, playing with him to increase the sturdiness of the member. I wanted to feel it with so much more than my hand… so much more that the thought made the friction in my jeans that much more painful as I sadistically held out.

"Stop torturing yourself," Shizuo mumbled, pulling his attention away from my neck in order to help me out of my intensely constricting jeans.

Somehow, I managed to wiggle my way out of them without removing myself from the throne I had turned him into, feeling relieved as they fell to the floor.

"How often do you 'forget' to wear underwear?" he chortled, immediately rubbing my head with his thumb.

"Shut up," I said, half way between a smile and a hiss, leaning forward to plant a kiss that would make his ascendancy fade.

He pulled back. I shuddered, watching him maneuver his perfect tongue over his own fingers.

Continuing to lightly play with each other, his right hand rubbed my pulsating erection, while his left reached around to my ass, carefully beginning to probe my hole. I couldn't help but snicker timidly, burying my flushed face in his neck when his long index finger slithered inside. I pushed myself back into his hand, burying the finger even deeper.

"You would, slut," he teased in a shaky breath as I continue to pump at his erection, wet with a mixture of sweat and pre-cum.

"Give me another one," I commanded.

"Really? Are you-"

"Now."

Without questioning my authority again, Shizuo slid another finger into my ass, digging into the hole as deep as he could reach.

"Aaahh… Nghhh. Shiiitt," I moaned, clenching my teeth and curling inward when his fingertips brushed across my sweet spot, sending a familiar fire ripping through my soul. But ramming his fingers into that spot, right there… it wasn't enough. I was thirsty for more. "I… Shizu… ooh. I… ca…aaaah."

"What's wrong?" he asked, faking concern as he released my fully hardened dick. The cold air sweeping in sent me into a mad shiver.

"I need you…" I groaned, "…in me… right fucking now."

"I am in you," he opted for a bit of snarky behavior as he wiggled the two fingers buried in my ass.

I clenched my muscles around the appendages. "Don't fuck with me," I growled, "You know what I mean."

"Oh?" Shizuo shrunk, sinking into the couch a bit more at the control in my voice while he worked on stretching my hole.

It had taken us both by surprise. The tension was nearly too much for me to handle anymore. Bent on getting what I wanted, I certainly didn't want to wait anymore. My patience had run out, becoming replaced by needy angst.

Releasing him from my grip, I carefully balanced myself on my knees, hovering over his erection. Biting down on my bottom lip, I was in the mood for a bit of pain. I couldn't help it. I wanted him to go in dry. In the back of my mind, I was convinced; telling myself over and over again that the more this hurt - the more I felt - the more alive I'd be. To feel alive, I didn't care how much pain I'd be in.

Positioning myself correctly, I lowered myself onto him, slowly guiding him inside me. The large muscle - much larger than his two fingers, relentlessly stretched me, tearing me apart before he had fully sunken in. I knew I was bleeding. Simply put, I didn't give a fuck.

Likely to have noticed the warranted agony painted across my face in a deep shade of pink, Shizuo's hands rested on my hips, helping me steady myself as I continued to push down on him. He groaned in response to my inner walls clamping down at the moment we both realized he wasn't going any deeper… Unless he literally intended to rip me in half.

"FUCK! That's tight!" he exclaimed, adjusting to me adjusting to him.

"What did you expect? I'm no five-hundred yen whore," I scoffed through the pain, ignoring the tears which wet my eyes.

He laughed, bending forward to kiss me.

I could feel the sweat beading in my hairline. We'd barely gotten started, and this rendezvous was closing in on becoming too much to manage; albeit, a universe better than the first time. Funny how a dramatic experience on a rooftop can lead to such heat exchanged between two people. I laughed to myself, curious as to what Namie would think after our previous conversation. Her mental image of me on top of Shizuo - like _this_ - would probably warrant some disgusted scoff, while she snidely called me a faggot, or some other harsh word. But what did I care about what some incestuous bitch thought about me?

Shizuo was all that mattered.

Becoming immune to the pain, I leisurely took him on as I began to ride his full length. I couldn't stand how perfectly his dick filled me, allowing it to collide with my prostate each time I slammed down on him. My vision was blurry, barely allowing me to see past sweet, sinful ecstasy. Maybe it wasn't what I needed, but Hell if I didn't want it.

"What's… hhnnn… what's tha-ah-t look?" I asked in a breathy moan. A glimmer of light had just swept through his eyes, quite similar to that of a comet flashing across the night sky.

Smirking, he held me still, momentarily confusing me until he began to push up into me. "Don't exhaust yourself," he coyly grinned, taking back some control; then adding, "Or else you'll be too tired for more later."

I buried my face in his chest, clutching his biceps as he pumped in and out from beneath me. "Ngghhh. Damn… You're… Shizu-chan is…"

"I'm what?"

"So… _oohh_… _aaah_. So… _hn_… fucking strong." I bit down on his collar bone.

"Tell me what you want…"

Well, fuck me if he wasn't brimming with confidence… Oh wait.

"F… faster," I stuttered, visibly shaken by his strength. If only I came equipped with the same fortitude.

Shizuo did exactly that, sending me into a crazy panic each time his tip prodded my sweet spot, allowing for dizzying waves to crash over me head first.

"Shizu-chan… aaah… I'm gonna…" I ran out of breath before I could finish the sentence, though I didn't need to speak to be understood.

Attacking my erection with one hand, Shizuo flipped us over, putting himself on top, pumping me a few times while he rammed himself even deeper than I thought I wanted. In a matter of a few seconds, my senses were annihilated by a violent orgasm ripping from my body through my soul.

"Ahh! Shizuo!" I cried his name, desperately reaching to coil my arms around his neck.

I pulled him into a quivering kiss, allowing for further destruction as he exploded inside of me.

Paralyzed by exhaustion, I did not try to move, speak, or see - just breathe - as he pulled out of me.

"Fuck…" he said, catching his breath, "That was…"

I smiled, with the word in mind: perfect.

That night, we decided to sleep in the living room, building ourselves a "nest" out of pillows and blankets on the floor; providing us with a comfortable place to use each other until we couldn't take anymore.

To be honest, I wasn't sure where the next day, or even weeks, months, and years would take us. My feelings remained undefined - still telling me that I should die - while my body language had a way of speaking truths which could not be expressed via words, or any other method for that matter. Sex didn't define us. Given that this was only the second time, it wasn't us. However, that did not stop me from using it in such a way.

One day, I'd be able to tell him. One day, those three simple - yet overly complicated - words would be spoken… by me… for him.

Falling asleep, trapped in a protective embrace, I considered it all, from my first experimentations with narcotics, to this closing scene. To die by my own convictions - by my own hand - when I saw fit, still felt like the ideal exit for a demon like me. An early death seemed written into prophecy from my standpoint… just not until the time was right. For now, I wanted to keep myself entertained by a new set of emotions.

I couldn't say I was happy; nor would I. Self-loathing still coated my heart, resenting me for allowing it to go ignored while in the arms of Heiwajima Shizuo.

But I knew... I believed…

In time, the words I once denied would become true. My emotional turmoil didn't need to evaporate from my life. Hell, I didn't care if it stayed there, imbedded into my soul for the rest of eternity. I believed. This would get easier, just as he said. The confusion in my heart would sort itself out, and I wouldn't need to use him for sex just to say that I loved him, too.

Like cancer, the disease would go into recession, leaving me at peace to enjoy the world… the humans… the love… around me, even if I couldn't quite enjoy myself like I once did.

No more listening to twisted, broken thoughts, not when the truth I yearned for could only be given by trustworthy eyes, colored gray. For straight black and white could never keep me curious enough to hold me to the world.

Snuggling in closer to that perfect chest, I drew in his scent, happy to be picking it up off of his body rather than his pillow. Reacting, Shizuo mumbled his approval.

"I really do…" he trailed off, not making any sense, whilst succumbing to his own exhaustion.

"Ne…?"

"I really do… love you… Izaya…"

That useless cup of tea never left the counter.


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N:** Dear goD, I have been so ridiculously caught up in cosplay and school and work that I haven't written jackshit in months and had NO idea this was still missing a chapter until I finally got a day off (today) in which writing seemed like a good idea (but I'm writing an SnK fic) and I realized wow, damn. I suck. Here's the last chapter! Thanks for bearing with me all this time and waiting it out. Uhm... I probably should have stated earlier (if I haven't already) that this story IS available IN FULL on the Durarara! Kinkmeme on livejournal, but I suck. Gomen. ;3;

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><p>"God damn it, flea! Slow the fuck down so I can kick your ass!"<p>

"Fuck you!"

"That'd be real nice, and all, but I'm spoken for."

I couldn't help it. His words… those feelings… Was he serious? Well, I suppose I knew it was true, but to hear him actually say it… I stopped running, and turned to face him, sparing no time when whipping out my switchblade. I was always ready for a fight. "HA! When did you learn to beget a clever comeback. After all - UNF!"

A large hand charged at my throat. Next thing I knew, my back was slamming into the wall, and the bag I'd been carrying dropped to the ground.

"Gotcha," he wickedly smiled, proud of his minor accomplishment.

"Look! I really don't have time for this, Shizu-chan. Rain check?"

Honestly, I really didn't have time. I had somewhere to be, people waiting on me, fun to have, _work_ to do.

"Hell no!"

I wiped a tiny trickle of blood from my lip, realizing that when this chase had first begun, he got me in the first hit. Unfair. I wasn't even ready for it! He's lucky I'm so small. Slipping out of his grasp is way too easy sometimes.

"Now, now. You're being a little unfair, don't you think? I have quite an evening to plan for, and beating me up is not conducive to my schedule!"

What time was it anyway? I swear, the last time I checked it was only mid-afternoon. Ever notice how time just soars on by when you're in a rush?

"Heh. If you hold still, it'll only take a minute," he growled, bringing his mouth dangerously close to my ear.

I shuddered at the sensation of his hot breath flowing across exposed skin.

"But I… Eh?"

Why was he pulling back? Why was he letting go?

"What's this?" Shizuo asked, stooping down to pick up my bag from the pavement.

I sighed, slipping my knife back into my pocket. Damn it. When did it get so hot outside? "None of your business."

"What's it for?"

"I told you. And I paid a lot for it. I have quite the evening ahead of me. Let's make this better for both of us. I'm sure - given the time - your significant other is expecting you home, and I'd rather not have a fresh bruise tonight."

Furrowing his brow, he'd revealed that I'd gotten to him, and stepped out of my way. The eyes of the city were on us, staring in their usual bewilderment. You'd think they'd be used to it by now. Some things never change.

Supposedly that long break away from Ikebukuro got to them. For a while, they'd forgotten about us.

"Nee! Thank you, Shizu-chan," I cheered, bouncing forward to place a tiny peck on his cheek; taking my shopping bag back from him.

The strangers watching us were left floored, while I dashed away, incredibly proud of myself for the act. If I hurried, I'd get back to Shinjuku to make great time. I was even looking forward to being ahead of schedule, which hadn't happened much since my life made such an incredible turn.

Everything had changed in six months. Everything.

Increasingly, I discovered myself to be more and more of an unorganized mess, smiling like a carefree idiot rather than a sinister information broker. I barely recognized myself anymore; yet I couldn't make myself care. Dare I say I even _liked_ the change? I was smiling… _really_ smiling…

Looking at me, nobody ever would have known that seven months ago, I was an entirely different person… a person who felt lower than human, who didn't know how to smile - how to laugh - and certainly never knew what it was to love.

* * *

><p>"Mmm. That. Smells incredible," he smiled, resting his head on my shoulder.<p>

"It should!" I exclaimed matter-of-factly, adding a large portion of mushrooms to the sizzling concoction before quickly slipping away from him to organize the sushi tray I'd picked up on my way home. "I've worked hard on this!"

"I was talking about you," he chuckled, leaning against the wall, watching me work.

"Oi! Don't be useless!" I half laughed, handing him the tray, "Take this to the roof, would you?"

"Are you going to acknowledge that statement?" he asked, looking a bit hurt.

"I acknowledged it with giving you something to do so that you'll stop ogling me! I will not be objectified by you, Heiwajima Shizuo!"

"I'm sorry… I…" his face fell a bit, "I just want to make up for-"

"Don't worry about it!" I turned around with a smile, "You can barely see it! And I kind of liked it."

"Liked it?! I hit you! And you _liked_ it?!"

"Seven months in and you still don't get that I'm a bit of a masochist, do you?" I folded my arms.

Shizuo shrugged, "Guess not…"

"Not to mention… it keeps the illusion up, you know?"

He scratched the back of his head with his free hand, "Er… So you're still-"

"Ah, Shizu-chan," I sighed, "Yes. For now. Friends and family, alright?"

"Right."

"No matter. Now will you take that upstairs before our guests start eating each other? And tell them to back off my toro."

"You've already eaten half of it!" his grin broke through the brief moment of tension.

"I want it. _All_ of it," I kept smug.

"It doesn't even match the main course!"

"But it goes perfectly with my soul!"

Continuing to stare at him, he finally took the hint, making his way out of the kitchen slowly. I was finally relieved to be getting rid of him when the idiot turned around again.

"What?!" I asked, exasperated.

Those stormy eyes scanned me up and down. I could feel every cell in my body gravitating toward his gaze as a strong wanton desire grew between us. Next thing I knew, I was doing just the same, following every line, every curve, every detail.

"You look good," he explained, considerably bashful. For why, I cannot say. "Really good. You should wear sweaters more often."

Feeling a rush of heat shoot to my ears, I glanced down at the black cardigan, and the crimson button-up underneath. "Well… you know… it's new… so…" I muttered aimlessly, nervously pushing up the sleeves as they began to fall back down.

"It's a good trade from that jacket," he teased.

Playfully, I narrowed my eyes. "I could say the same for you - who has been wearing the same bartender getup for- what? Two years?"

Seeing Shizuo in jeans and a simple black polo was nothing short of refreshing, even if he was unwilling to lose those cobalt shades.

"Eh," he shrugged. I wondered if he had any idea how hard it was not to look at him.

"Go. Take that. Roof. Now," I reminded him, turning back to the food in front of me. "I'll be up in a few minutes, okay?"

"Yes, master!"

Smirking, I momentarily wondered how easy it would be to get him to call me that in bed.

* * *

><p>Stepping out onto the rooftop, my breath hitched catching sight of the setting October sun as it blew me away. The last time I'd seen a sunset, I was less than a step away from taking my own life, thinking that it was the most spectacular thing I had ever witnessed. This time, I staggered slightly, having discovered that this one may have been better.<p>

Broken up clouds decorated the sky, receiving a multifaceted hue from the dimming light as the ornamental lights on the roof's garden began to light up in time with the growing darkness around me. From where I stood, I could see the fiery orange sphere sinking into more distant buildings, concrete and steel turned golden by the dying light. Above, stars twinkled in the romantic dusk. At a loss for words, tears pricked my eyes, causing me to nearly forget the concoction in my hands.

"Come on, Izaya! Stop zoning out! We're hungry!" Shinra's peppy voice brought me back to earth.

Blinking back tears, I replaced stun with a grin, setting the pot in the center of the table. Glancing around, I made sure all was set from each light bulb functioning in its proper place, to the heaters close enough to keep the overhead armada warm without catching fire. The drinks were perfectly organized at the mini bar, and the table was evenly set. Not a utensil out of place. Folding my arms, I was satisfied with my work.

"Stop staring!" Shinra laughed, "We all know you're a perfectionist, so I took a picture of it! Sit down!"

"Shinra, has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?" I whipped my gaze around to meet his, proud when his jaw dropped. Flabbergasted. "Finally! You're speechless!"

Beside him, the loose tremors flowing through Celty told me she was laughing, while a significant number of heart shapes dispersed from her shadow. Meanwhile, the two teens opposite of them had broken out of their visual fixations long enough to acknowledge that the universe still carried on without them.

"Hey…" I took another glance around, "Where's Shizu-chan?"

Still at a loss for words - that, or now he was holding a grudge - Celty flashed me a message on her PDA faster than the underground doctor could have spoken it. Weird couple.

[_He went downstairs to meet Kasuka-kun_.]

"Ah…" I shrunk a bit in response, unwilling to admit that I'd purposely tried to forget that the younger Heiwajima would be participating in this small dinner party.

[_Don't worry. It's been a long time. And look, Kida-kun has forgiven you_.]

That was a load of crap. Everyone on the roof knew that the only reason Kida Masaomi had shown up after the invite was because Mikado used those unusual cerulean eyes to beg. Ha. The kid was just like me. He'd never topped in his life, but he sure knew how to dominate.

"I know, I know," I made a sorry attempt to wave off the tension. "I just don't know what to say to him."

[_Shizuo making you happy would be a good start._]

"Oh, Celty. If he doesn't believe it from Shizu-chan, he's not going to trust it from me. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. As much as I'd love to, I can't know everything."

The headless woman gave an agreeable nod, setting her little black brick on the table for future use.

The last time I had seen the young actor, I was eavesdropping on a yelling match between him and his beloved older brother, while he did his best to remind Shizuo that I was a creation of evil. A demon birthed from the fires of Hell. He had never even seen my face before I slipped out the window. I broke down that night, and tried to throw myself off the roof. Did he know this of me?

Hearing the door to the roof open, chills raced down my spine. My heart paused, along with the rest of the world, as I worked up the intestinal fortitude to bring my gaze to said door. I could feel the eyes of my guests flitting back and forth between myself and the actor.

We stared each other down. His indifferent gray eyes were fixed intently on me. I couldn't stop reaching to slide my sleeves up past my elbows no matter how many times they insisted on slipping back to my wrists. Kasuka was reading into my soul, no doubt using his skills as an actor to see my true intentions. Adrenaline coursed through my veins at alarming rates, but I couldn't feel my heart race. I was terrified - terrified that I wouldn't gain his approval. Terrified that -

"Izaya-san," the actor blinked, nodding once.

"K-Kasuka-kun…" I barely made it through the initial acknowledgement. Quickly, I averted my gaze to the woman in a lacy white dress shyly standing behind him, taking note of the intertwined fingers.

Shizuo curved around his brother, coming to wrap an arm around my shoulder. He pulled me closer, his enormous strength nearly stealing me off my feet. "Calm down," he muttered in my ear.

"This is my girlfriend," Kasuka stepped forward as the young woman - a particularly sad looking specimen who still managed to radiate perfection - joined his side. "Ruri, meet Orihara Izaya."

With introductions and hellos settled, I directed the attention to the dinner waiting on the table.

"It looks great!" Mikado exclaimed as I removed the lid from my masterpiece, revealing it to hungry eyes to match hungry stomachs.

Shinra chortled. "Spaghetti? What gave you that idea?"

"You. Be quiet!" I jokingly warned, pointing my fork at him.

Yes. A fork.

"What are you going to do?" he mock-leered. "Stab me!?"

"Already have. Middle school. My first pocket knife. Care to show the party your scar?"

"Eh?! I think I'll pass!" attention flipped to Mikado as his face went pale.

"Don't worry," I turned to the Dollars leader, "We're kidding. That never happened."

Shinra laughed, "Not exactly… You just want to take all the credit for it instead."

"Can we just eat already?" Shizuo whimpered, crashing his head into my bicep. "I'm starving."

"You're a glutton!" I told him, scooping a more-than-generous serving onto his plate.

"Always has been," Kasuka said, expressionless.

Though, if I'm not mistaken, he was truly fighting a smirk from tugging at his lips. Ruri and Celty giggled. The only person not involving himself in the conversation was a very hypnotized Masaomi, who was happily fixated on keeping himself glued to the Dollars leader.

"Kida Masaomi!" I hooked his attention with a bit of force, "I know your parents don't feed you, so stop fantasizing about eating your boyfriend, and eat your food!"

Proud of myself, I crossed my arms, enjoying the irresistible round of laughter that made its way around the table when the two students jumped apart, turning red from their necks up. Mikado spent a good twenty seconds stuttering through inaudible excuses. Kida could only shoot me a special look, custom made for my snarky comments, when he couldn't think of an equally clever retort.

"So anyway!" Shinra cut in, interrupting a mild staring contest, "Why spaghetti, Izaya-kun?"

"Simple. Italian food is like… one of those things, you know?"

Shizuo shook his head. "I don't follow."

"It's one of those foods that brings people together. It can be shared between two, on a romantic level," I winked at the messy-haired blond, "Or a large family. But how many times do you hear of somebody eating it alone? Plus, have you ever had day-old spaghetti? It shouldn't taste that good!"

"Speaking of family, where are your sisters? Shouldn't they be here?"

"HA! Hell no! Those little monsters-" my heart filled with a strange, tingling warmth, "-and I are going to Okinawa tomorrow."

"In October?" Kasuka arched a disinterested brow.

"Yeah…" I reveled in the heat flooding my chest, "Just to look around," Shizuo's eyes caught mine. "We have a lot to talk about," I shrugged.

"And who knows what havoc they'd wreak if they caught sight of you," Shizuo told his brother.

The actor almost looked curious, giving me the impression that Shizuo wasn't telling him about Mairu's infatuation with my boyfriend's brother. Better left unsaid. I didn't want to know the consequences to come if that girl had any inkling that her obsession was eating dinner on my rooftop.

"Anyway," Shizuo casually changed topics, "I'm glad you could make it tonight. It's been a while."

"Indeed," the younger Heiwajima agreed.

"How long has it been?"

"Seven months," I answered robotically, barely considering the circumstances of the brothers' last meeting.

"That's a long time not to see your family," Mikado said.

"How long has it been since you've been home, Ryuugamine-kun?" Shinra asked the Raira student.

The boy frowned. "Since I moved to Tokyo."

"Don't you miss it?" Shizuo wondered, "Small town living? You've thrown yourself into a pretty scary place."

"My hometown was pretty boring… and even though it's dangerous here, I have Masaomi."

Celty typed a quick message into her PDA and showed it to both boys. [_You have us too_.]

Continuing our dinner, conversation surrounding the topics of love, friends, and family filled the table. It was the first time in months that I felt like I had a place in the world. Over the last six months with Shizuo, the road to recovery contained its frequent ups and downs. I knew that no matter what I did, I'd have him to turn to at the end of each day. However, gaining the acceptance of others was still quite the challenge. Making my peace with myself also came and went. While I didn't try to kill myself again, I couldn't fight every negative emotion. Shinra told me it was to be expected, but that I didn't need professional help or medication. He assured me that as long as I trusted the people who offered a helping hand, I'd be okay. He was right. Not only did I trust Shizuo, but I was able to fully rely on both Shinra and Celty as the good friends they'd been fighting to be.

I made sure to thank Simon for saving my life, being sure to have a long conversation with him on the importance of life. Whilst speaking Russian, one thing was true about that man: he always had the wisest words. Though, I suppose he still had them in Japanese. Maybe it was the eloquence of his native tongue that really settled into my soul.

Slowly, but surely, I was working my way back into human hearts. I could sense Kida's forgiveness on the horizon, eagerly awaiting it and even going as far as to offer him a job. Still a bit wary, he agreed with Mikado's encouragement.

Life wasn't perfect. I was okay with that. I was okay. Seeing all that was left to mend, I was encouraged to see the minor to major wounds scab over and heal. My party on the rooftop was only another step in mending the brokenness of my life.

Drink in hand, I stared up at the stars littered around the crescent moon, thinking about what was left to patch up. To come so far… to be so close… it was all because of Shizuo that I did not just survive, but truly _lived_ to see another day.

"Hey," the calm, familiar voice of the actor startled me a bit as he joined me in staring at the moon.

"Oh," I acknowledged him, suddenly becoming a bit nervous, "Kasuka-kun."

"Can we talk for a minute?"

Taking my eyes away from the moon, I crossed my gaze with his. His steel eyes reflected the light exactly the way Shizuo's did, despite the half-lidded, apathetic mask, he was just as emotional. "Of course," I nodded.

He averted his gaze to the sky. "I wanted to apologize, Izaya-san."

"Izaya is fine… but… apologize?"

"I was wrong. Time has proven that. I shouldn't have said the things I did; the accusations… I'm sorry. You love my brother, don't you?"

"Well…" I chuckled nervously, "In so many words…"

"You haven't told Aniki, have you?"

"Eh!? Kasuka-kun!"

"I know he tells you every day. In my own way, I'm jealous. He and I have a strange relationship," the actor began to confess. "I can admit this. We've never really known what to say to each other, even in a fight. Our feelings are usually expressed through actions, which is difficult because my work takes me away from home most of the time. I don't see him often. But when I left his apartment after that fight, it settled in quickly how adamant he was about you. He didn't have to say he loved you. It was obvious. He has never fought so hard in his life… for anything. Not the way he fights for you."

I stared at him with wide eyes. "I… I'm afraid I don't know what to say. Thank you…?"

"Just tell him. You feel it don't you?"

"I do."

"So what stops you? You're an excellent speaker. Good with words. Good with people. The way you look at each other… I get it. You should too, Izaya. We're in similar professions in a way. We practically get paid to understand people, don't we?"

"I definitely agree with that. Though, I am afraid it's not so simple. Shizu-chan has been here for me every moment that I've needed him most. Losing him would kill me before I could kill myself. That's why I can't just say it. For all we've been through, to treat those three little words so casually would almost make a mockery of his affections. To be so simple…"

"You're waiting until the time is right," Kasuka understood.

"Until then, he's happy just knowing it's there. And I'm happy to show him through my actions."

"Reasonable. Again, I'm sorry. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Heh… Kasuka-kun, as harsh as those words were back then… I agreed with you when I heard them. Of course you're forgiven."

"I'm glad. You mean a lot to him… and that means a lot to me."

Hanejima Yuuhei disappeared for several seconds, allowing the real Heiwajima Kasuka to put down that cool mask. With that, half-lidded eyes opened a tad wider, and a full smile - brighter than the ones often shown through his roles - flashed my way, surprising me with how much like Shizuo's it was. From there, he walked away, returning to the pretty girl in the lacy white dress.

"What was that about?" Shizuo asked, stealing his brother's place.

Finishing off my drink, I answered with a shrug-smile-combination. "I think I just became friends with your little brother."

"Good. I hoped you might."

"Oh?"

"Tch. Yeah. You're more similar than you let on."

"You think? Well… I guess you'd be the expert, wouldn't you, Shizu-chan?"

His arm slid around my waist, pulling me closer. "Tonight was really amazing. You really outdid yourself."

"Thank you…" I felt my cheeks go hot.

I leaned into him, exhausted from a long - rewarding as it was - day.

"Tired?" he queried.

"Hmm. Yeah."

Scooping me up in his arms, Shizuo lifted me off the ground and carried me bridal-style to the door.

"What are you doing?!" I exclaimed, kicking my legs.

"Shut up," he smirked, carrying me down the stairs.

"SHIZUO!"

"Shh. It's late. You'll wake up your neighbors," he laughed.

I couldn't help but reciprocate the feel-good vibe while our guests watched curiously as we disappeared from the roof; down the hall. Coiling my arms around his neck, I buried my face in his chest until we made our way through my front door, where I was eventually tossed onto my bed.

"Get some rest," he advised, "I'll kick everyone out, clean up, and then it'll be just the two of us."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really."

"I don't get you," I snickered, "You make no sense. Ever."

"And that's why you love me."

"Huh?!" I couldn't help it. Caught up in the moment, I was taken by surprise. Allowing my shock a moment to fade, I watched a lusty smile course its way from his eyes to his lips. "Yeah…" I mumbled mindlessly, finding myself completely captivated by those swirling hurricane spheres. "I do."

"I love you, too."


End file.
